I recently discovered Daphne Merkin after reading her cover story on depression in The New York Times, "A Journey Through Darkness" . Daphne is a fearless writer who has written on many controversial topics in her own voice and through her own eyes. It's not an easy thing to do. Daphne puts it out there and invites controversy. Bravo. I love fearless. And the fact is - women like Daphne give me the courage to do what I do - and live how I live.
After I read the piece in The Times online, I was motivated to find and read other writings by Merkin. And while these writings have been talked about for several years in the on line commentary that I recently found - they were all new to me.
First there was the piece that ran in The New Yorker on sensual spanking ("Unlikely Obsession") which apparently raised a few eyebrows and no doubt a few skirts - and then there was another controversial piece that ran in The New York Times called "Our Vaginas, Ourselves" - where Merkin talks about the new world of shall we call it "The Cosmetic Vagina" and female self loathing.
Merkin talks about the world of Brazilian waxes, hymen reattachment, labia reshaping and shortening and what it says about how we view our female genitals. I celebrate the fact that she writes it all - through her eyes - and that the NY Times publishes it. But Merkin misses the mark when she says -
"Truth be told, I always considered myself lucky to have escaped coming of age at the height of the consciousness-raising era, when anatomical self-examination took on the aspect of a collective ritual. Those were the days when women felt obliged to convene in sisterly circles with mirrors and flashlights the better to study their bodies, themselves. Never having been one to enjoy group activities of any sort, the thought of becoming more closely acquainted with my private parts in a public setting seems potentially traumatizing rather than liberating or, God knows, celebratory".
Actually - that is the problem. The problem is that most women do not know what female genitalia past the pubic mound looks like. And if we as women don't know our bodies and have a healthy self image how are we supposed to have sexual pleasure and a healthy relationship to our own bodies? It is through the not seeing and the not knowing where women often self destruct as sexual beings. Yeah - I know. If you read me on any regular basis - you have heard me rant about this before. And I probably will again.
Women don't grow up like young boys stealing glances in the locker room to see what is going on with other same sex bodies. We have no idea of the diversity of the "Vagina" and we can't even agree on what to call female genitalia- a subject that gets most sexologists screaming that "the vagina is the birth canal" and not a good descriptor of a woman's sex organs.
Perhaps if women could see more of other women's inner sexual landscapes - if it was alright for women to look - we women would get it that each vulva is a unique work of art. Instead - the only pictures of female genitals that most women see are the air brushed and clipped versions in the journals of Playboy.
Women don't get to see images of real women.
For Merkin to celebrate the fact that she missed the age of the brave pioneering women who came together to explore the great unknown - mirror and flash light in hand - is truly a disservice to those that came before her - and for all of us today who are just grabbing the flashlight! The fact is that there are still rare opportunities - and few books outside of medical manuals that give women the opportunity to see the diversity of vulva's celebrated. If they did - Dr. David Matlock's practice of "Vaginal Rejuvenation" wouldn't be so popular.
There is a part of me that hates myself for criticizing Merkin at all. I am a huge fan - and she is out there sparking the conversation in very reputable publications about female sexuality in a way that is real and in the first person. That takes courage. Trust me - I get it. After all - I am about to publish my memoir "SHAMELESS" published by Rodale Press on January 18th, 2011. . And I am sure that people who have plenty to say about my take on female sexuality when it is published as well!
You see - putting it out there is not always rewarded. For Daphne's fearlessness she gets to not only take it on the chin for her bravery by "sexual conservatives" but also by well known, fabulous and outspoken sex activists like Susie Bright and Dr. Betty Dobson for example in this excellent and scathing commentary "Daphne Merkin Needs to get Spanked Again". But it is the fact that I can take her on that is so wonderful! Daphne is a big girl - and she is putting it out there - I suspect she can take care of herself. And she is doing a service to all of us by taking this conversation whether you agree with her or not into publications like The New Yorker and The New York Times so that there is a public discourse on issues that are never talked about.
So - we don't all agree. But at least we are starting to talk about sex in a new and open way. Fearlessly and if I might add - shamelessly as well.
