SexualityToday

I think it is imperative that the world and Christian people understand that there is much more to "saving yourself" than avoiding sin. That is simply a worldly or immature Christian's view of the practice. I understand that you have seen a lot of missed fulfillment happen in your profession; however, I am pretty sure that when people lack the true reason why they are not doing something they may not understand it they begin to do it.

From what I know about Tim's background I am pretty sure he knows why he is saving himself. And it not simply because sex is "sin before marriage".

I'm curious about something you said -- If Tim and others like him are saving themselves for marriage for a true reason, other than the avoidance of sin, what's the true reason?

I saved myself, although it wasn't for religious reasons. I was scared to have sex - which thankfully I eventually overcame - but I also had always believed that sex was such a "sacred" act (no religious intent implied), an act unlike any other that allows us to share our bodies with another and vice versa. I was profoundly and deeply moved by it and didn't believe it should just happen within casual relationships.

Have I regretted it? Well, yes and no. I ended up finding out after years of being married that my husband was getting it wherever, whenever, and with whomever he could - I initially felt regret at not being more open to sex prior to marriage, but I've since realized that the choice I made was right for me and my real, true regret lies in the poor partner choice I made in my husband.

This subject hits very close to home. As a young woman in her late twenties who is a former Christian, not to mention still a virgin and never been kissed, I might be able to offer up a unique perspective on this.

Despite growing up in a family where I was viewed as a freak for abstaining from sexual intercourse (my parents inquired on several occasions if I was on drugs or if I was a lesbian, neither being the case - and they were completely, idiotically serious), I clung to the idea of saving myself sexually for marriage not just because I found myself in the midst of purity pledges and in fear of disappointing a potentially angry god, but also because I didn't want my future husband or myself to have sexual experiences to compare to. I know myself very well, including my own jealousy, and know that it would be very difficult and painful to imagine or know that my partner might not be thinking about me during sex. As I've discovered my own sexuality somewhat, I've realized that you don't have to have had sex before to imagine other people while having sex! That may be somewhat of an infantile discovery, but it was news to me. Another idea that scared the hell out of me, similar to the previous thought, is that I read somewhere a long time ago (I haven't been able to find it since, so it might be null and void anyway) is that the first time that we have sex, our mind stores the image of the person that we're having sex when (maybe at climax?) and cues up that image each subsequent time that we engage in intercourse. However, I remember reading on PT not long ago about how we have the ability to re-wire our sexual tastes, which gives me much hope in this regard.

Suffice it to say, I agree with what you've stated in this letter, but I must admit that I was taken aback at first, thinking that you didn't or maybe couldn't understand the ideas behind holding virginity in such a high regard. However, as someone who feels justifiably messed up in a lot of ways by the Christian purity movement (and once I got over the initial defensive reaction even though it really shouldn't affect me anymore), I affirm that what you've written is correct. Many of the young, religious couples that I have known have very distorted or non-existent sexual lives within their marriages (mostly due to misinformation or a complete lack thereof about sex), had very, very high expectations of their wedding night (I don't know anyone who wasn't disappointed thereafter), and generally do not know how to approach sex as a natural, healthy part of life and as part of their own person (we are sexual beings, after all, and most of the women I've known see sex as something that they have to give up in order to please their man, not something to enjoy themselves).

Thank you for writing this. It's good to get what I've been processing out, and I'm sure that there's even more to say.

THANK YOU for writing this. When you have been conditioned to think that sex is naughty, sinful and even dirty by strict conservative religious teachings, it is impossible to turn off those thoughts and reverse them in a night's time.
I was raised that way - to avoid sex at all costs. I always felt a bit guilty about any sort of sexual activity, like the holding and touching that the article mentioned. Honestly, it ruined a big part of my marriage. I still felt dirty, I resented my husband who had experienced a lot before we'd met, I just gave up.

Through time, reading, and lots of conversations with sex-positive women of all ages my story does have a happy ending, although I wasted so many years of my life self-loathing and feeling inadequate.

I won't judge another person's choice or justification behind it. I really hope anyone who reads this post thinks about the possible consequences of their decisions and doesn't just dismiss it.

Great message!

Hi Stephen,

You've raised some interesting ideas. As a sex therapist in the south, I see lots of fundamental Christians and Indian couples who are genuinely virginal at the altar, and who come to me sadly disappointed. While I think their faith may have guided their choices, their mistake is to assume that God will bless them with a fluid, sensual, ecstatic, transcendent experience on their wedding night or at least on their honeymoon. It just can't happen. Experience, if only with each other, over time, is the only way to have the smooth sexual relationship that they want. I think the teachings of the church particularly need to be amended so that these couples are well-educated (many of them are told not to even read educational sex books until they are married) and as you've encouraged - take lots and lots of time for arousal to waken their erotic self. It doesn't happen at with words at the altar. Young people who have been turning themselves off rigidly, don't turn-on in an instant. (Some young people find a way to stay sexually turn-on and morally pure - but what a feat!)

Staying true to your ethics or faith is it's own reward. It doesn't guarantee instant great sex.

Thanks for talking about this!!

Laurie Watson
fellow PT blogger - Married and Still Doing It