Sexual Intelligence

Sex—and culture, politics, psychology—and sex

Sex Tips For Wedding Nights

You don't need great technique or a perfect body. What do you need?

A New York publisher is doing a book for modern people about to get married—everything from gay bridesmaids to discount champagne, divorced in-laws, and registering for gifts at Amazon. They asked me for 150 words of sex advice for virgins (because sex and flowers and good-looking invitations are all equally important, right?). So here they are, along with a few more.

If you’re a virgin and about to get married… [note: feel free to adapt these suggestions even if you’re not a virgin and you’re already married, never getting married, or have never heard of marriage.]

* Do not have intercourse the first time you're sexual together.

* Make the first night (or day) about getting to know each other’s bodies: look, touch, and ask questions. "Sex" can wait until tomorrow — and it will be better if you do these other things first.

* Whatever sex you do have, do it with the lights on. And look at each other.

* If you have sex, do NOT attempt to climax at the same time. Hardly anyone does, and it’s way more trouble than it’s worth.

* If it hurts, stop.

* If you feel rushed, slow down.

* If you don’t feel close, say something.

* If you want to stop in the middle for any reason (need to use bathroom, cramp in leg, feel overwhelmed, want a drink of water, need to sneeze, etc.), stop in the middle. Don’t wait, just stop. And then, if you want, resume.

* Don’t drink too much alcohol before you have sex. How much is too much? If you can feel its effects, it’s too much. If you’ve already had a lot to drink, save the sex for the next day.

* Do not fake an orgasm. Do not fake pleasure. Do not fake anything.

* If you don’t get erect (gentlemen) or wet (ladies) when you think you should, don’t blame yourself. Don’t blame your partner. Don’t blame anyone. You were undoubtedly being unrealistic and probably nervous.

* If you have intercourse — even for a second — use contraception. There is no "The first time is free."

* Wash your hands before you start, smile occasionally, and say "thank you" afterwards.

* Remember, porn isn’t real sex. Real sex doesn’t look, sound, or feel like porn.

Technique is not what people need in order to enjoy sex. And they don’t need the right color lingerie, the right sex toy, the right body, or the right spirituality. People don’t need to have extraordinary levels of desire, extreme arousal, gigantic orgasms, or to squirt.

What people need to create enjoyable sex is to relax, be with someone they like, relax, talk about what they like, relax, pay attention to how things feel, smell, and taste, relax, and remember that, assuming you’re not exposing yourself to unintended pregnancy, whatever happens is perfectly fine.

And did I mention how important it is to relax?

***

(For more tips, read my book Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want From Sex, and How to Get It. Psychology Today says, “Read this book if you want to improve your sex life.” You can read a free sample here.)

 

Marty Klein is a certified sex therapist and licensed psychotherapist. He has written five books and 200 articles about sex; his TV appearances include 20/20 andNightline. more...

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