Sex & Sociability

Question and commentary on connections, both sexual and social

Fulfilling Your Sexual Fantasy

How to do this is usually not that difficult.

After years of being a Q & A sex and relationship columnist I still receive email questions several times a month. And after years of questions and answers the requests I get seldom contain anything new to me. There is a young man who has written me several times recently about his specific sexual fantasy. (I hope he is a young man with years of English class ahead for him; his spelling and grammar are awful!) Essentially, he wants a woman to show him her breasts and he wants to know how to have his fantasy fulfilled.

There is a comedy routine I’ve seen about Three Minute Therapy. The prospective client argues with the therapist that it’s impossible to address all her issues in three minutes. The therapist insists he absolutely can and states his price. The client is unbelieving but she’ll give it a try. She then begins her litany of “I thought… then he did… so I feel….” The therapist interrupts with “You have 30 seconds left”, looking at his watch. The client is aghast. “What can you tell me that will be of any help in less than 30 seconds?” He leans forward, looks her in the eye, and firmly says “Stop it!”

Colleagues of mine occasionally smile about our wish to use this “Stop it!” technique with clients who just keep getting in their own way with their thoughts and behaviors. You keep longing for your old love? You continue to be afraid to speak up? You have constant quarrels with your spouse? The “Stop it!” intervention in these cases would do wonders.

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Back to the young man and his sexual fantasy. This is certainly not the first time someone wanted to know how to fulfill his (or her, but usually his) fantasy. Luckily, I have a solution that would take less than three minutes: “Ask!”

Of course this strategy works if one already has a sexual partner. Otherwise, the first step in fulfilling a specific fantasy is to obtain a partner, with luck, one who might be willing to do what it is you dream about. In the cases of elaborate fantasies or ones in which you are absolutely certain your customary partner would definitely refuse to participate a commercial partner is always available who has heard it all before. Most alternative papers have ads for “fantasy fulfillers” who skirt the letter of the law by not being actual prostitutes.

I have often dealt with unattached people with a specific kink who would like to find a partner. Their choices are to go where people share the predilection, such as a BDSM play party for instance, and look for a partner there. While you then are assured of a willing playmate in your thing, the pickings for an ideal partner meeting your other criteria are slim. Your other choice is to find a suitable partner out in the world through the normal venues of work, school, clubs, etc. and then ask him or her to indulge you in your fantasy.

In the latter case, you are back to the place where my original correspondent found himself. How do you get someone to do what it is you want? The answer is: you just have to bite the bullet and ask.

There are several ways to approach this crucial conversation. “How do you feel about….?” is one less than direct way. “I had a dream about us doing XX and I found it really hot” is another way to fish. Watching erotica that contains a scene of actors doing what it is you would like to do is an excellent way to open the subject. Getting a book about the topic and reading aloud pertinent passages might do the trick.

But directly or less so, one still has to come down to the nitty gritty of “Would you do this with me?” And there you jolly well are. How can you fulfill a sexual fantasy? You find a partner, or prepare the one you have, look beseechingly into her or his eyes, speak right up and ask.

Isadora AlmanM.F.T., is a Board-certified sex, marriage, and family therapist, lecturer, author, and syndicated advice columnist of "Ask Isadora."

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