I was recently contacted by an online magazine for an interview on making marriages work. The writer's hope was that some expert has the answer everyone has been searching for centuries, and it might be me. One answer, THE answer, and a simple one at that.
Topmost on the list of questions posed was the following, verbatim: "Does scheduling sex work?" My immediate thought was "Always, sometimes and never" or "Yes, no and maybe." Is there anything at all that always works between two people? I can't think of a single thing.
The follow-up to the first question was "Is it weird?", referring to the scheduling of sex, I assume, not to sex itself. Sex is weird. Think of trying to explain to a Martian what human beings do for pleasure and you'll know it is.
My eventual response was that scheduling sex is neither normal nor weird, good for the couple nor bad. For some it works. It's something to anticipate, prepare for, look forward to. For others it creates resentment and resistance, one more chore on a seemingly endless list. If a couple complains that they are not having enough sex, as many busy couples do, they have to agree to give it a try—with open minds and open hearts. After trying a schedule a few times they need to honestly discuss if and how it worked for each of them and what could be different.
I doubt there is anything new in my response. For any couple some things will work some of the time. People have to continuously pay attention to and fine tune the working of their relationship to optimize it for each person in it. To do that they have to keep on communicating their likes and dislikes, wants, needs and preferences. Nothing new in that either.
What bears mentioning here is that there is never one single fix when things are not going well. Scheduling sex might solve the problem of a hellishly over programmed couple rarely connecting with one another or it might not. What will improve things for sure is that one or both of the people recognize that there is a problem and insist on finding time and occasion to sit down with the other and problem solve about it. That in itself, the "let's look at what's happening here and together try to improve things" is what automatically begins the improvement.
The solution that's arrived at, scheduling sex for example, might work for a while or it might turn out to be "weird" and not be the desired fix. What almost always will make things better is the process. Talking with one another, listening to each other, working together to make things better, checking in on the results. That process, done together, will almost certainly alleviate the stress of something in the couple's relationship that isn't working—like not having enough sex together. The conversation, the mutual desire to have a better relationship, will bring the couple closer together... just like good sex.
