If you're looking for sympathy you may have to say so directly or risk not getting what you want at all. That's the sad fact.
There is a myth that a woman will instinctively know how to listen sympathetically to a person's woeful recitation but a man will immediately launch into a lecture on what you can do to fix things. This is another of those pernicious Mars/Venus generalities. There is not one thing in the universe that does not have exceptions to those "Men always.../Women never..." canards.
I am a woman and even though I am a trained psychotherapist - perhaps because I am a solution focused therapist - my first response on hearing a complaint is a helpful suggestion. Having a tough time at work or with your lover? "Why don't you tactfully confront the badass with..." is what leaps to my mind and often to my lips. Your kid is giving you grief? "Have you tried...?"
I know full well that often the most helpful of responses would be something along the line of "Aww, poor baby" or a head shaking "Tsk tsk" accompanied by a shoulder pat.
When most complainers do their thing they are not looking for advice, even if it's very good advice. What is usually wanted is an opportunity to vent into a sympathetic ear. That's one of the most important functions of a best friend, and ideally, of one's Sweetie. If however, one's friend or sweetie is a Fixer, a Problem Solver like me, regardless of gender you may receive a sympathetic ear but you will also receive advice on the problem.
This issue of not getting what you want, or more precisely, getting something you don't want when one is looking for understanding and commiseration is one I see with some frequency in my counseling office. Yes, I must admit that this is often a female complaint against a male partner, but not always. There are some people who are automatically "let's do something about that" folks and others who are instinctive empathizers. They are not genetically fixed gender roles.
What I tell my clients who have a grievance of getting advice when what they want is sympathy is that they may have to be more specific about what is needed in the situation in order to get what they want. (See, I have a suggestion to remedy the problem rather than to neutrally mirror it back or murmur the traditional "and how do you feel about that?")
If a friend or partner hears "Do you have a few minutes? I just want to vent about something" he or she might be more willing and able to provide the requisite ear and nothing more. If the one seeking sympathy out and out says so who but the most hardhearted wouldn't provide that and keep his lips zipped?
While we're on the subject of advice I feel I must add that we advice givers frequently get our noses out of joint when our excellent insights and suggestions, even when actively sought, are frequently ignored. "If you don't want my advice, why ask for it?" is a common protest. Fair's fair.
Receiving advice, whether actively sought or not, is not a binding promise to actually take it. We (yes, I'm guilty on both counts) may just want to hear what you have to say, consider it, and then reject it in favor of our own inclination.
So, regarding the seeking or providing of sympathy and/or of advice it always seems to come down to one of life's most basic dicta "You are more likely to get what you want if you ask for it." What a surprise.
