Sex & Sociability

Question and commentary on connections, both sexual and social.

by Isadora Alman, MFT

Learning Life Skills

The manila envelope that came in the mail contained 27 dutiful thank you letters from 9 and 10 year olds. As you might expect, they were enormously entertaining. Read More

Sex Symposium Snippets

The Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, known as SSSS or “Quad S”, held its 2012 Western Region Conference in Los Angeles over a four day period at the end of April. Read More

Overheard conversation: “Bad sex? I can’t even imagine what that would be. Any sex would be good sex for me at this point.” The speaker and her friends were laughing but, listening with a therapist’s ear, I could hear the despair. Read More

When the Attraction Disappears

Recently I had a reunion with an old friend. In the 1960s and 70s when this man and I knew each other we both had young families. The parents got along with each other as well as the children so the two families would spend time together at least once a week, often more. I harbored a mad crush on the husband so I looked forward to these get-togethers. Read More

Relationships: Putting Yourself First

You've heard the dictum that in a good relationship each person must give more than 50%. I've also heard that each must give 100% (which must make for a relationship full to overflowing!). Read More

Scheduling Sex

I was recently contacted by an online magazine for an interview on making marriages work. The writer's hope was that some expert has the answer everyone has been searching for centuries, and it might be me. Read More

Are You in a Real Relationship?

You know the conundrum of whether the color blue you see is the same as what I recognize as blue? That's one of those questions that all but philosophers have to take on faith. Yep, the color of the sky is blue we agree, but whether it is gray blue or baby blue or even the particular shade known as sky blue will be a matter of personal interpretation and open to debate. Read More

Sexual Fantasies: Be Here Now

A fellow sex educator recounts the story of finding her 6-year-old daughter in the bathtub with a dreamy expression on her face and her hand moving between her legs. "I'm thinking about pirates carrying me away on a ship," she explained to her startled mother. Read More

Feeling Your Feelings

"How can anyone not know what they feel"? my Sweetie said to me, looking up from a book he was reading. Read More

Looking for Sympathy? Want Some Advice?

If you're looking for sympathy you may have to say so directly or risk not getting what you want at all. That's the sad fact. Read More

Are You Sexually Active?

The old joke goes: The doctor asks the patient "Are you sexually active?" "No," says the patient. "I generally just lie there."

Recently a counseling client of mine complained about the partner who lay there in bed and asked "Are you interested in sex? If so, hop on." Read More

What Do You Mean By Sex?

What each sexual act means to you personally—an expression of affection, a recreational event, the blending of your essence with your one and only—is not what I intend to discuss, although that's a fascinating subject I may address some other time. I want to inquire into the meaning of sex as a word, and what acts constitutes sex. Read More

Examining Old Relationship Patterns

Take a large piece of paper and make at least three columns, each headed with the name of a previous love or important person in your life. Read More

Restarting Your Sex Life

Most of us have gone through one or more periods of sexual famine. Single or coupled, there may be times when there is no suitable partner on the horizon or, by circumstance or sickness, our regular one is not available. He or she may in the armed service, in graduate school, in Siberia, incarcerated, incapacitated, or in some way just not available for sex. Read More

Seeing the Fish on Three Wheels

When my then husband and I first came to California in the early 60's one of our first stops was the relatively new Disneyland in Anaheim. I had sprained my ankle on the cross country trip and was unable to walk. We rented a wheelchair for the Disneyland tour and, like a Biblical miracle, the Red Sea parted before us. Read More

A Shout Out for Sex Training

I am a sexologist which encompasses the study of human sexual (and relationship) behavior. I am often asked the equivalent of how a nice girl like me gets into a field like this. The credit (blame, if you take an oppositional view) belongs to San Francisco Sex Information’s Training for Volunteers. Read More

Sexual Surrogates: Who and Why

A woman married for 15 years sat in my office last week complaining of her husband's ineptitude as a sex partner. "I wish there were some place to send him so he could learn how to be a good lover," she laughingly complained."You might teach him yourself, you know," I told her."But I don't want to," she said adamantly. Read More

Flirting: The Oldest Form of Safe Sex

Years ago the rules of courtship between men and women were unequivocal. Once properly introduced, if there was interest, he called (never she). After several calls, the couple might begin walking out together in public, an open announcement to all interested parties that they were an item. Eventually the two would marry and live, if not necessarily happily, undoubtedly ever after. Read More

But Is It Real Sex?

This spring I was interviewed by a national women's magazine on a topic that appeared several times on my online Sexuality Forum. Read More

The Loss of a Friend of the Heart

A very dear friend of more than 35 years died today. I am relieved that her suffering has ended - lung cancer is a terrible way to go. As I write it's been only a few hours and I am already missing her presence in the world.

During the last several months when she was in the process of dying 3000 miles away I would phone every few days just to hear her voice on her answering machine. Read More

Sex for the Very First Time

Oddly, the issue of what to tell a young person who is about to have sexual intercourse for the first time came up twice in my practice this month. While there are unlikely to be many sexual virgins reading these essays, you may have someone in your life who will want this information or whom you feel may need to hear it whether she or he explicitly asks or not. Read More

Sex? Why Bother?

When I lecture on sexuality I often begin by standing in front of a board, chalk at the ready, and ask those assembled to offer some reasons a person might want to have sexual intercourse. Laughter always follows, often derisive, as if to say "Isn't it obvious?" Read More

Therapist's Disclosures

Most of the clients I see in my counseling and psychotherapy practice meet with me only a few times, sometimes only once or twice. The work I do generally and in sex therapy follows the PLISSIT Model developed by Jack Annon and his colleagues in the 1970's. Read More

The Myth of the One Right Way Part 3: Men, Women, You

A then B then C linear thinking about sex - how women and men get together and what they do once they have - leads to another two-pronged part of The One Right Way myth. One is that women and men are entirely different species and what each wants is at odds with the needs and desires of the other sex. The other is that men are all alike and women are all the same in the dark. Read More

The Myth of the One Right Way Part 2: Sex

You, Reader, are undoubtedly too young to ever have encountered a marriage manual of the type coming into popularity in the early 1900's. In them, the bride and groom (apparently no one ever had a sexual interaction on any other occasion!) were given instructions for having sex as detailed as those for building a birdhouse laid out in Popular Woodworking. Read More

The Myth of the One Right Way Part 1: Dating and Courtship

Unfortunately the erroneous belief, that there is one and only one way things are supposed to be, The Rules of Dating Today, is fostered by many commercial advice givers and pop psych book authors who put out their own (often uneducated) biased opinions as the last and only word on human behavior, as the rules. Read More

Sexologists: The Nature of the Beast

My very first blog post here on Psychology Today was on a Sexologists Symposium I had just attended. That was April 2010. Since it is an annual event I recently attended this year's held In San Francisco. Read More

Calling Your Sweetie a Name

When did the gender neutral term of "partner" become universal code for "same sex partner?" The same time the polite response to "Thank You" ceased being "You're welcome" and became "No problem?" Read More

On Entertaining and Being Entertained

On a recent weekend my sweetie and I were entertained at a friend's house for brunch. They served juice and coffee, bagels and cream cheese, smoked salmon, scrambled eggs, and brownies. We helped ourselves from a small kitchen table and juggled our filled plates on our knees in the living room. Read More

The Sweetie Search Part II: Making a Connection

You have spoken to yourself, you have spoken to your friends, and now it's time to speak to an attractive other. Why does initiating a conversation strike such terror in the hearts of so many? It's the "attractive" part. So much more is perceived to be riding on the possibility that you will be found wanting. Is it worth the risk? How to start? Read More

Isadora Alman, M.F.T., is a Board-certified sex, marriage, and family therapist, lecturer, author, and syndicated advice columnist of "Ask Isadora."

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About Sex & Sociability

I write about social skills and sexuality, all under the umbrella of communications. Clear communications—with oneself first, then with others—is the basis for getting what you want out of life.