Sex, Lies & Trauma

Straight Talk about Sexual Compulsivity

by Alexandra Katehakis, MFT

Sex Addiction—Is it Real?

“Sex Addiction sounds like a lame excuse used by men to justify their infidelities.” This is a sentiment we hear a lot from people who wonder if men get away with more than their fair share of bad behavior. Read More

Recovery For Partners of Sex Addicts

Responses to discovering one's partner is a sex addict and has been acting out can include anything from violent anger to extreme despair. The moment when a partner becomes aware of the addicts' behavior is nothing short of traumatic. Yet because of the shameful nature of sex addiction, finding support often does not seem a realistic or necessary possibility for the partner. Read More

The Link Between Adult Attachment Styles and Sex and Love Addiction

The controversy continues as to whether sex and love can be an addiction. I continue to use the term "sex addiction" and "love addiction" as an indicator of problematic sexual or relational behaviors while the researchers struggle to come up with a clear answer and diagnosis for these issues. Read More

Sex and Love Addicts: How to Find the Right 12-Step Group for You

Regular attendance at 12-step meetings is a vital part of the treatment plan for sex and love addicts. Yet many addicts try to sidestep the 12 steps by telling themselves they're not like the people they meet in "those rooms." Here are some of the most common excuses I hear from clients who try to convince themselves - and me - that they can recover without working the steps. Read More

Effects of Porn on Adolescent Boys

The onset of puberty brings drastic changes in the life of adolescent boys. Their hormone levels spike, their bodies go through many changes signaling a transition from boyhood to manhood, and their curiosity about sex and sexuality accelerates. Read More

Are We Pathologizing Gay Men by Calling Them Sex Addicts?

Gay Men have historically been taken to task around their sexual behavior--accused of hyper-sexuality, stereotyped as anti-monogomous and promiscuous, and in fact even considered "mentally ill" until 1973. Read More

Sex and Love Addiction: What's the Difference?

Robert is a subdued, depressed 35-year-old interior designer who began compulsively masturbating at age nine to anaesthetize himself from the neglect and verbal abuse he suffered from his chemically addicted parents. Over time, his childhood ritual morphed into anonymous sex in public bathrooms and with strangers he meets in Internet chat rooms. Read More

Weiner Exposes Himself in More Ways than One

You're wondering just what Representative Weiner's wife is wondering when you shake your head and ask, "What was he thinking?" This question is what everyone asks when a public figure or celebrity gets exposed for sexually inappropriate behaviors. The answer to your question is: he wasn't thinking. Read More

Power and Powerlessness: Deconstructing Arnold's Addictive Behavior

In "Pumping Iron," the 1977 documentary about bodybuilding, ArnoldSchwarzenegger explains "the Pump," the massive rush of blood to musclesafter lifting weights. Read More

Arousal Templates in Sex Addiction: What Happens When Our Love Map Goes South?

I see a male client-let's call him "James"--who is shy, polite, and has a dark secret: he can only achieve sexual gratification by masturbating in public. Since his early teens he has sought sex in covert, furtive ways that typically violate the rights of others: exposing himself in his car while cruising, or eventually masturbating in plain view in crowded buildings. Read More

The Cycle of Addiction

Sexual acting out in an addictive way typically starts with a need for control. When a person has a set of strong feelings he or she usually has a need for something, and those struggling with sexual compulsivity typically have a long history of unmet needs and suffering. Read More

Sexual Compulsivity: 6 Signs and Consequences

I have a client I will call Daniel, a religious man and married father of two, who regularly hires prostitutes, has sex with hitchhikers, and downloads porn in his home office while his wife and children are asleep down the hall. And yet Daniel is not convinced that his sexual behaviors are out of control. Read More

Sexual Addiction or Destructive Sexual Behaviors: What's the Difference?

Joe's a 45-year-old father of three, who agreed to marry after he and his wife struggled with their on-again-off-again relationship for five years prior to marrying. Like most red-blooded American males, Joe began using pornography to masturbate when he was a teenager. He started out looking at print pornography, masturbating to images of fairly wholesome young women. Read More

5 Tips to Survive Your Partner's Sexually Compulsive Behavior

You thought you had the perfect Kodak-moment life: a handsome husband, a couple of apple-cheeked kids, a plump nest egg hatching in a 401 k. You were the envy of your friends, whom you entertained often in your impeccably restored bungalow on a lovely tree-lined street. Read More

Alexandra Katehakis, MFT, is the Founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Healthy Sex in Los Angeles, CA and author of Erotic Intelligence.

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About Sex, Lies & Trauma

Is "sexual addiction" a bona fide disorder or an excuse for bad behavior? This blog provides a platform to explore this hotly debated issue and increase awareness of the impact of sexual compulsivity -- both on "addicts" and their partners.