Why Is "Casablanca" So Romantic?

I did a radio interview on romance the other day in which they played a clip from Casablanca and pointed out that it has been named the most romantic movie of all time. Now why does the movie merit this distinction? Lots of reasons, I suppose, but one of the most important is the fact that the wildly romantic couple-played, as everyone knows, by Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman-part at the end of the movie, never to meet again. That's even more romantic than the movies that present about 90 minutes worth of evidence that the couple will never get together and then, in the last five minutes, bring them into happily-ever-after coupledom. I mean, what could be more romantic than a couple who never becomes a couple?

Of course, the fact that the best romance is exemplified by people who are permanently separated is somewhat odd in a society in which it is taken for granted that couples who love each other will be together permanently, as in married. It's also kind of odd that we, probably without ever thinking about it, use the word "love" to refer to two completely different experiences: the feeling of commitment between family members and long-term couples and the feeling of longing one can develop for a person one is not or cannot be together with. And using the same word for these two things leads to the confusion that they are the same thing, that one should feel longing-type love for someone one is not separated from.

This isn't just some strange social and psychological mistake. All societies have stories and myths that reinforce their fundamental values. In North American society, one of the most important values is romance. Romance is love as we imagine it, perfect love, not love as it actually plays out in reality. And this perfect love is so satisfying and exciting that most of us are convinced to enter into, and to try to sustain, life-long commitments. Romantic stories keep perfect love alive. and in so doing help to bring people into real world commitments.

But romantic stories aren't necessarily the best resource for understanding how to make a life long commitment work. Once your partner exits your imagination and enters your life, he or she loses the perfection that is only possible in the world of the imagination. But our culture continues to tell us that real world love should be perfect love.

So here's a Valentine's Day message to everyone who is in a real, long term relationship: Romance is fun and playful, and maybe you can be successful in bringing romance into your relationship, but don't fall for the myth that romance is the only real form of love. Real love isn't enchantment, it is more like work. The good news is that it can be very rewarding work.

For more, please visit Peter G. Stromberg's website. Photo provided on flickr by Fr. Dougal McGuire.