Sex at Dawn

I don't think he's saying that monogamy should be avoided, or it's "bad." I think the dilemma you have with valuing monogamy so much due to the "old fashioned" nothing-comes-easily-worth-having attitude is just that. One attitude in a multitude of other attitudes about things. Sex, with all it's greatness, and necessity for life on this planet has the power in our "old fashioned" society to break hearts.

Back to being human, our complexities give us the wondrous ability to fall in love, with just that one single soul mate. Which is completely awesome. Falling in love is one of my favorite things to do on this planet. We find ourselves unique to all other mammals because of that. But when the 7 year itch hits us like a ton of bricks, you look at that and all your anniversaries and what the book is merely acknowledging is just that urge and the actions sex 'out of monogamy' (the novel sexual experience) provokes is quite real and quite evident - right there in our DNA. After all, we are just big apes, right?

to different people. Some of us can prolifically save money, hold down jobs, work toward higher education, etc, but fail in this area. There are others who many not be able to hold down a job, save money or become more education, but they can be sexually faithful for a lifetime! Some of us just value different things. I would rather deal with an affair than have a husband steal all my money, which to me, being in older age, loss of money would be far more devestating to overcome than an affair. But some people would rather deal with no money than ever have an affair. Different values at work here, and no one ever comes out perfect in all areas of life. It is not an issue of instant gratification versus long-term satisfaction for some of us. Some of us would rather be secure in other areas of life than hang our life satifasfaction on the hook on another's sexual fidelity.

Jacqueline, I just finished this book today. If you haven't read it, the last couple of chapters are comforting. After all of the evidence, the discussion turns to what we should do with our marriages, which are real and valuable.

I was particularly moved by the criticism of many couples' choice to divorce after an infidelity--just because those are the generally accepted rules in our society. What if we faced the facts about most men's need to add variety to their sex lives and accepted that a healthy marriage and family can withstand that? It's hard to think about casual infidelity (I'm married, and it is not an open marriage), but it is really best to break up a family if the "cheating" is strictly about sex and not intamcy? I'm thinking about it tonight.

You may want to look at how polyamorous couples (and triads, etc.) handle their feelings. You can have a committed relationship without it being monogamous, lots of people do it, but its not any easier than committed monogamy. Read the wikipedia article on polyamory and listen to the podcast Polyamory Weekly (http://polyweekly.com/). Even if you don't go in that direction, some of the skills that are talked about are useful for all relationships (like keeping the lines of communication open and, my favorite, writing a "User's Manual" for yourself).

Ain't that the truth! Thanks for writing. Let us know what you think of the book, if you're motivated to do so.

Thanks for the reply!

I do hear you on this idea of perfect monogamy being impossible (for most) while simultaneously believing in love and marriage being possible... that's where I get stuck (and I suspect where your critics do too) because despite its rationality, I would never be able to, say, move forward in a relationship after infidelity. What do you do about the jealousy? Do you believe that jealously is ever warranted, or is it a flaw in our nature?

Maybe sexual freedom and a committed relationship are indeed possible, but then again wouldn't coming to complete grips with sexual infidelity as being forgivable in your relationship sting in your heart? Wouldn't jealousy inevitably ensue? I guess what I'm trying to say is IMO, sound reasoning and research for why it makes sense to cheat once in a while does nothing to make it feel any more right to me.

But then again, it could just be my Catholic upbringing talking. LOL that took years to undo. Anyways thanks for your reply, I do always like to keep an open mind to new views. And you're right, I haven't read your book yet (only your blog), but I may give it a look!

the thing is, at least for me, there is a difference between wanting to bang someone (a stranger?) because they are "hot," versus, forming a close bond with someone other than your partner, and THEN wanting to take it to a physical experience (have sex with them).

It's not getting away with it that's the fun part, it's the actual intercourse with that "other" person. When you don't think of it as "sinful" or "wrong" and you eliminate the societal-imposed guilt, then it changes how you experience these emotions, or urges, I think.

I wanted to bang my neighbor, but only after months of hanging out and having immense sexual tension between us. I told my spouse about it. Do I still want to be with my neighbor on the side every once in a while? Hell yes. Would I? Hell yes. Is it going to happen now that everyone knows? Probably not. But, I'm open to it. Telling my spouse about it helped. He actually said, "I don't blame you, he's hot." See? Honesty.

Anon: "That's the thing about extra-marital sex or sex outside of a relationship, the fun is the sneaking around behind your partner's back ..."

No, that's actually the dreadful part. I've dated multiple partners simultaneously, and I've mostly told them, especially after my early 20's.

Most people aren't the type to enjoy deception. If sneaking around and lying to people you love is the "fun" part, you should be speaking to a therapist.
.

When my ex-wife and I were first dating we asked one another what the rules for our relationship would be. Seeing as our coupling had been the product of cheating on both sides she said it would be silly of us to demand exclusivity from one another. She said her only rule was that I not tell her what to do. That suited me well as I had never been a jealous guy. I figured I wanted someone who wanted me, so if they felt otherwise then I would appreciate their moving on. So off we went to see where it would lead.

Now I had always had a certain proclivity for sampling what other's had to offer. Somewhat covetous of the other's women, I suppose. Not that I would forgo an unencumbered girl just that it seemed to work out otherwise. Now I've got to say that I was indeed head over heels in love with my future wife and I was very much focused on her. As such, initially I didn't find myself particularly drawn to any illicit sexual activity. As we lived in different cities however, opportunity and distance afforded me some distraction. Oddly I found that while I would be attracted to someone, and go through the motions of the game to determine opportunity, once that potential was affirmed, I lost interest in consummating the deal. The knowledge that I could have it if I wanted it, that this other human being wanted to be with me in an intimate fashion, was satisfying in and of itself.

The fact that I was allowed to do as I pleased removed the need to do so in any given instance. It removed the urgency from the situation. It was no longer a matter of "I better take this opportunity now, while no one is looking, who knows when another might come along?" and replaced it with more of a "Ah, well that would be nice wouldn't it? Perhaps another time." The lack of a restriction in this arena was new to me and made me less opportunistic in such endeavors.

It was years later after a closer relationship had developed and tighter restrictions came to rule the day that I strayed. Unfortunately, my indiscretion poisoned the relationship, and was the eventual demise of the marriage that followed and the 10 years spent together. The difficulty was hardly over sex, albeit that was it's catalyst. The difficulty was about trust. As when I embarked on my short lived affair it was then against the rules so I had to go about it in a dishonest and deceitful way. This broken trust is what the relationship could not endure not the sex itself.

Humans don't like to be in cages and they tend to act out in defiance of them. They want what they can't have. So I understand what is stated above about only wanting to bang the hot neighbor girl if there is "risk" involved, but I disagree with it being about the "risk" itself. I think it is about the cage of monogamy. This "risk" is simply inherent in the act of defiance.

Interestingly, I met my ex-wife (my future wife at the time) while attending a Southern California University. She graduated with degrees in both Biology and Anthropology. Knowing her as I do she would very much appreciate this book and agree fully with it's premise.

I agree with you. I'd rather have it just be open about it. Then again, that takes an enormous amount of trust between two people. That's some serious trust to develop and that takes time.

Second this. Ms. McArdle is a mental midget at best. I'm not sure how she got and keeps her job. Perhaps she works for free? That is the only reason I could think of for the Atlantic to keep her on.

Seconded. Jas' comment sums it up nicely. She's the Sarah Palin of the centrists.