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On the Real Housewives of OC last night, there was a funny scene in which housewife "friends" Alexis and Peggy--both, blonde, bling-y, and preternaturally buxom-- were discussing the latest happenings with their kids. Between the talk of baby modeling, kiddie vegetarianism, and who was the best scribbler in the class, every comment was not-so-subtly geared to one-up each other ("My daughter can count to 30!" "Well, my daughter can count to 7 in Spanish!").
On Andy Cohen's show afterward (hey, I love me some Bravo), he commented that they were being "mompetitive", and it got me thinking about the phenomenon of "Mompetition." Why do women feel the need to constantly compete with other moms? And how can you break the cycle?
As a new mom myself, I've noticed that the competition for how we mother begins even from pregnancy. You spy other preggers walking down the street and instantly calculate, hmm, has she gain more weight than me? You feel guilty for that third sip of champagne at a dinner party, yet scoff at the mommy-to-be sipping a glass of chardonnay in public. After the birth of baby, it's the epic struggle of the demand feeders versus the schedule feeders; the slings versus the strollers; and the race to prove how well you're NOT sleeping. (One of my first pediatricians--a woman and since fired--had the nerve to tell me a "Well-rested mom is not a well-fed baby.") The competition starts early, and I can only imagine how the ante gets upped when daycare gives way to preschool, little league, and college applications.
In a sense, motherhood is the ultimate playing field for women prove our value, and for many moms it becomes the all-defining component of self-worth and validation. For working moms it can also translate to extreme guilt for trying to "juggle" (see this new study, showing that women feel 40% more distress than men when their Blackberry buzzes). But trying to keep up with--or outdo--Mother Jones can be simply exhausting. How can you deal with a Mompetitive woman? If you'll indulge that I'm a fresh member of the club (my son Jake is about 9 weeks old), here are some of my initial thoughts:
- Have stuff to talk about besides your kids. Information sharing is great, but there's a difference between talking about where are the best mommy consignment sales (neutral) and bragging how you successfully got your baby to sleep through the night in just five weeks (mompetitive). If your kids' accomplishments (and your credit for them) are the only way you define yourself, you're bound to fall into this trap. Are you reading any books? Volunteering? Do things that make you feel balanced and fulfilled aside from changing poopy diapers!
- Have a witty comeback. Is another mom trying to "outstress" or outdo you? (i.e., going on and on about how tired she is b/c she's so "busy") throw water on that fire! I like, "Wow, that's rough. What are you going to do to take care of yourself?" A comment like that will help prevent you from enabling, throw her off-guard, and squash the one-upping.
- Stop gloating! Don't pride yourself on being stressed out. Part of what perpetuates the mompetition cycle is our OWN need to be sufficiently stressed-out to feel that we're doing a good job.
- Give yourself a break. No mom is perfect, so don't hold yourself to some unattainable standard. Pump yourself up with attagirls for doing your best, and try to surround yourself with mom friends that are confident (not insecure) about their own parenting skills.
You can follow me on Twitter! @debrashigley
