Dr. Irwin Altrows, Ph.D. wrote this article for Science and Sensibility on how to substitute confident composure for road rage. Irwin is a parent, Adjunct Assistant Professor at the psychology and psychiatry departments of Queen's University, and a psychologist in private practice, Kingston, Ontario, Canada.
"After a grueling day at the office, your spouse asked you to take the kids to get some new shoes. It's a brand new store with super opening day shoe sale. Gritting your teeth, you set the GPS for your destination. You think that this excursion will be a piece of cake. You are wrong.
"The moment you leave the driveway, the kids start arguing. You yell at them to quiet down. You don't want to feel strong emotion while driving, as you know this is distracting. Besides, "silence is golden." You get nowhere in calming the situation.
"The driver in front of you is a moron. (Definition: moron, a driver in front of you who wants to drive slower than you do). Worse, the driver behind you is an idiot (Definition: idiot, a driver behind you who wants to drive faster than you do.) The idiot blares his horn. You assume he's angry with you. The kids are still arguing. The moron is still dawdling. You never wanted to take this trip in the first place. You feel like your fuse is burning dangerously close to a keg of gunpowder.
"The GPS says, "Turn right at Fifth Street." Because of many distractions, you barely hear the instructions. You keep going straight with the moron in front of you and the idiot now right on your rear bumper giving you the bird. Realizing your error, your rage wick is now seconds away from igniting the gunpowder. Then you hear your GPS calmly say: "Recalculating." You begin laughing, perhaps a bit hysterically at first, but laughing nevertheless.
"With that one word, the GPS has become a philosopher and a therapist. 'Recalculating' conveys an important message from your GPS.
1. You have advised me that the goal is to go to the shoe store.
2. With this goal in mind, I have made a suggestion - that you turn right at Fifth Street.
3. For reasons of your own, you have not followed my suggestion.
4. This is your right. Even if you were wrong, you have a right to be wrong.
5. I simply need to take this new information into account, and update the method of helping you achieve your goal. We can do it.
"The GPS does not get upset at your behavior, or that of your kids, or your fellow drivers. The GPS maintains its focus on your goal - efficiently getting to the place you want to go. Safe driving is your job.
"Your GPS is showing confident composure. This is a serene, optimistic, goal-directed focus of attention.
"You laugh and decide that you too will adopt an attitude of confident composure. You acknowledge that you're not in a burger shop, and nobody is obliged to let you "have it your way". You decide not to try to control your kids, fellow drivers, or spouse, but to focus on your present goal - safely getting to your destination.
"With confident composure, you tell the kids "I'm politely asking you to stop arguing in the car." You've previously taught them the underlying meaning of this expression. They have a decision to make. They can stop arguing now, or when it is safe you will pull the car over. You will then stop for at least five minutes, giving them the opportunity to try to resolve their difference. You will then proceed if they succeed or return home if they fail. They stop arguing, at least for now.
"With confident composure, you decide that the driver in front of you has a right to go at his chosen speed. You also decide that the driver behind you has a right to express his feelings, even if he's being unreasonable. If he has a problem, you're not going to make it your problem. Although you have an obligation to drive safely, you don't need his approval or even his courtesy. However, if his driving seems too erratic, you can get him out of your life, simply by pulling off the road when safe, or letting him pass you.
"You also have developed a backup plan, just in case the temptation to confront another driver gets too strong. Having watched one too many Pirates of the Caribbean movies, you've attached a little red piece of plastic - known to you as the "zombie maker" - to your dashboard. When you press it, the other driver turns into a zombie, though he doesn't know it. You get the satisfaction of this "gotcha" moment without the side effects of a real confrontation.
"The kids resume their arguing, so you wait for a safe opportunity to pull off the road. After a five-minute discussion, they've resolved their problem. You resume driving in peace. As it turns out, you arrive at the shoe store five minutes after closing time.
"When you arrive home, your spouse glares at you and asks, "Where are the shoes?" You pause, take a deep breath, and calmly reply, 'Recalculating'."
For more information on confident composure as an alternative to anger, see
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201104/protect-yourself-anger.
Dr. Irwin Altrows, Ph.D.
