But I've gotten ahead of myself because we really need to shine a light on that turning point - that divorced family's rite of passage - the revelation to the kids that the marriage is over. As a family therapist, I often meet with divorcing parents who come in for that one pivotal session - how do we tell the kids?

Invariably, each party has his own agenda. For example, one might be determined that the kids understand that the divorce was not his choice. The other might feel it important that they know that one parent was unfaithful, or has a gambling or drug problem. One may want to identify himself as the injured party - the other wants to keep the kids out of the nitty-gritty and not tell them the true reasons for the separation.

And then, there are the practical decisions. Do you tell them before they go off to camp if one of the parents will be moving out while the kids are away? Do you have to wait till they've finished exams, even if you have already found a new apartment? Do you tell them together, when you can't stand the sight of each other? What if one of you will cry? Do you have to announce it in an up-beat way or can you all mourn together?

The parents are often trapped in a dilemma in which they may want both to protect the child's innocence and relationship with the other parent while, at the same time, deeply wishing that the child will understand their individual position and ally with them. The intensity of their own experience at this moment in time may make it hard for them to really get into the mind of their child and how significant the manner of their announcement of the news will be to them. This is unchartered territory for parents. They often prepare their kids more for their first trip to the dentist than they do for the revelation of their parents divorce.

MY STUDY ABOUT THE REVELATION OF PARENTS' DIVORCE

I want to find the answers and learn more about this crucial conversation in the life of a child or teen and, as a result, have instituted a study. I'm looking for participants who will be willing to fill out a questionnaire about their experience when they were told.

There are three separate questionnaires: One for adults who were kids or teens when their parents divorced, one for teens and one for children (ages 4 to 12) with divorced parents. Teens can complete the questionnaire on their own with the consent of a parent. The children will need a parent to help them complete it.

Should you decide to share your story or help your child share his or hers, I want you to know that the results will be used to further understanding of the best way to inform kids so that the least damage is done in the process. Your participation is valuable and deeply appreciated.

To request a copy of the questionnaire, please email ChildDivorceStudy@gmail.com.

I'm a family therapist and the author of Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal and My Sister, My Self: Understanding the Sibling Relationship that Shapes Our Lives, Our Loves and Ourselves.

I can be found online at www.vikkistark.com and www.runawayhusbands.com.