I got an email the other day from a woman who writes about her frustration that her teenaged daughter wanted to spend Thanksgiving (here in Canada, it's in October), with her father rather than her. The mom had planned a big family meal, but the father, whose birthday was the same day, had suddenly changed his plans to be out of town and called his daughter at the last minute, inviting her for dinner.
The mom lamented, "I told her I would prefer her not to have dinner with him as I had a big holiday meal planned with company. I can see she thinks I am a bad person for doing this. I told her she could see her Dad during the day but I wanted her to have dinner with us. I hate how he changes plans with no warning, goes directly to our daughter, and I end up looking like the bad guy."
The mom went on to say, "Why, when it was HIM who betrayed me and broke up the family, is she so defensive of him, and I'm cast as the bad person trying to keep them apart?"
I've heard so often from parents, both moms and dads, who blame the other spouse for breaking up the family, that they wish the kids would see it the same way and be mad at the departing parent, too. They want to use the bad behavior as a lesson about what's right and wrong and believe that it's necessary for the child to disapprove of the wrong bit - it's framed as a life lesson. It's a tough one. When you feel so hurt and betrayed, that reality is foremost in your mind. The emotional response is so huge, it's hard to see beyond it.
But the child has a different perspective because he needs to keep a connection to both parents. Each is a part of his identity. He may naturally minimize the things the departing parent did to cause harm because he needs to find a way to hang on to the good image so that he can stay securely connected. He has empathy for the dilemma of the departing parent, who has probably told the child about his or her own suffering in making the decision to leave. Many parents in that position turn to the child and say, "You want me to be happy too, don't you?" It's hard for a child to answer "No" to that.
Of course, there are many cases in which kids choose sides, either through their own independent assessment of the situation or because of either overt or hidden coercion on the part of a parent. For these kids, the tension of trying to keep connected to a parent who has caused so much hurt or to one who appears helpless and pathetic, is too great and so the child allies himself with one or the other as a way of avoiding the pressure. But it's at the price of losing connection, which sometimes is unavoidable, but is always significant in the child's life history.
So my response to the mom who wrote is as follows, "The short answer is that when you think of your ex-husband, you remember the person who did all those bad things. You can't help thinking about all the damage he did. When she thinks of him, she thinks only of her dad and is not evaluating him in light of his past behavior, because she needs a dad."
Just a note: This blog, Schlepping Through Heartbreak, explores all aspects of break-ups, whether they involve the subject of my most recent book, Runaway Husbands, or not. I love your comments! Keep 'em coming!
