One of the most bewildering aspects of the unwanted end of a relationship is that once your former partner has moved on, you stop mattering much to him or her. Although you may be parsing through every moment of every event that took place during the past two years, the person you're obsessing about is most probably not even thinking of you. Unless, that is, it's to try to figure out how to get you to stop the constant contact and your efforts to engage in explanatory conversations. Let's face it, the more you cling, the more your ex tries to shake you off. And the more you get blocked, the more you become desperate to make contact.
Email - that ever so tempting medium of immediate gratification which often leads to lingering regret. How many times did you get up in the middle of a sleepless night with the absolute conviction that you must tell your estranged partner one essential thing right that minute? If only he knew this, either he'd feel enormous regret for his actions or perhaps, if you're lucky, you could make him feel a crumb of the hurt he's made you feel. He has his armor up and your attacks only make you look desperate, pathetic and maybe even unhinged - and you know that. And because you never get the satisfaction you crave from having sent the message, you end up re-injuring yourself instead of making a dent in him.
It's like an addiction, a fix. You know it's not good for you in the long run but you can't resist because it relieves some built-up stress momentarily. At first, when your emotions are in a perpetual uproar, you may not be able to hold yourself back from trying to get the other person to connect with you, but as time goes on and you gain more control, you'll accept the fact that it is counterproductive and learn how to stop yourself. You will swallow the bitter truth that you will never get the acknowledgment of the magnitude of hurt done to you by the one who made it happen. You'll have to move on without it.
That's why, when I was in the midst of my own process, I came up with the following rule of thumb: DON'T PRESS "SEND" WHILE YOU'RE STILL IN YOUR PAJAMAS! That means, don't send anything at all between the hours of midnight and 6 a.m., when all of our thinking is distorted anyhow, and hold off sending things between 6 a.m. and midnight until you've really thought it through. Twice. At least!
When you can learn to file any email that you write with sweaty palms and a racing heart in "draft" or even press "delete", you'll have turned the corner toward reducing the power your former partner has over you. It's not that important to set the record straight - he or she is just not that important in your life any more. Those days are over.
