For many people who choose to leave a serious relationship, there is a moment, a turning point, at which that path suddenly opens before them and becomes the desirable one. But when the leaver is still weighing his or her decision prior to taking that fork in the road, there remains an investment in keeping the option open to stay. Not wanting to face the pain or outrage of the person being left, the leaver keeps playing the game until definitely sure and the exit strategy has been planned.

But where did the love go? There's always a certain amount of idealization when people fall in love. We tend to accentuate the positive in our minds and downplay the negatives. Spent five years in prison for fraud? The justice system is so often imperfect. Left the three previous marriages because of affairs? That was then - people change. We tend to want to believe that the ones we love are good for us, just because we love them.

The process of idealization reverses itself, however, when the relationship stops meeting the needs of the individual and devaluation starts to occur. Little things take on huge symbolic importance and start to feel unbearable, so much so that an upturned toilet seat or unscrewed toothpaste tube become proof that it's absurd to continue living together and are used as grounds for divorce.

Once the devaluation process is complete and the leaver no longer feels love or desire for the partner, there's no turning back. It's like a fire that has burned out. No amount of blowing on it will spark it back to life. But just to be sure, If you're having trouble accepting that it's really over, ask yourself these questions:

Is It Really Over?
• Have I recently seen any evidence of warmth, tenderness, caring or desire on the part of my former spouse?
If the answer is no, let it go. If the answer is yes, ask yourself this:
• Has the tenderness and desire shown been consistent and long lasting over weeks or months?
If the answer is no, let it go. If the answer is yes, ask yourself this:
• Do I truly believe that the positive attention being shown me is due to a sincere love for me or is it more likely an insurance policy to keep options open?
If the answer to the first part of that question is no, let it go.