Why do I still feel so wounded after all this time? Mike stared down at his hands in his lap as he struggled to hold back the tears. It's been three years! Why aren't I over it? Is there something wrong with me? They'd long ago split up the property, dispensed with the legal divorce, won or lost communal friends, sorted out the bank accounts and credit card debt, but still, he thought about her every single day and ached.
Divorce isn't just a single-facetted event but rather one that unfolds and transitions through various phases. Even though you may consider yourself divorced, some aspects of your recovery may still not be quite completed. Mike was struggling to understand what was holding him back so I explained to him the concept of the Six Stations of Divorce that was developed by Paul Bohannan (Divorce and After, Doubleday, 1970).
Here are Bohannan's Six Stations of Divorce:
1. The emotional divorce - The challenge of detaching emotionally when it become clear the marriage is coming to an end
2. The legal divorce - The process of dissolving the legal connection as married people in the eyes of the law
3. The economic divorce - The division of money and property and the assessment your new economic situation
4. The co-parenting divorce - The pattern of childcare and living arrangements which are negotiated and become established; parent/child dynamics are often greatly affected.
5. The community divorce - The choosing of sides by family and friends who sometimes become lost to one or the other former spouse.
6. The psychological divorce - The redefinition of yourself as a separate entity so that you no longer relate everything that happens in your life to your former spouse. The "we" has become the "me."
The Six Stations don't typically follow a logical sequence. More likely, you'll accomplish bits and pieces of them as times goes on, lurching back and forth as you try to reach a comfortable place so you can move on in your life. Some people find that they never do resolve all of them, even in the course of lifetime. Like Mike, who has yet to settle the psychological divorce, their point of reference remains oriented towards the past rather than the future.
But then, aren't there many more stations than just six? Think about how complex the process was to get married and build a life together - all those years of decisions made and memories established. And although six stations may be enough for the person who powered the decision to leave, the one being left needs many more. How about these?
Here are Stark's Ten Stations of Divorce:
1. The existential divorce - What was it all for? Did those fourteen years have any meaning?
2. The historical divorce - What do I do with the mini Eiffel Tower we got on that amazing weekend in Paris?
3. The future divorce - I won't have the future I've expected all these years and time is running out!
4. The culinary divorce - Who gets to keep our favorite Greek restaurant and that breakfast joint by the beach, and it will kill me to know that she's going there with him!
5. The sense memory divorce - Oh my god! I hope I'm not seated at the dinner party next to someone wearing Dune.
6. The calendar divorce - Is there any way to eliminate my anniversary, my spouse's birthday, the day we met, the date of our first kiss, Christmas eve, Chanukah, Father's Day and the Fourth of July from the calendar, and still come up with 365 days?
7. The side of the bed divorce - Don't I feel silly still hugging the left side of the bed when I'm sleeping there alone?
8. The self-esteem divorce - I thought you said those extra thirty pounds really didn't make a difference!
9. The trust and love divorce - Next time, I'm getting a pre-nup!
10. The hopes and dreams divorce - There is happiness in this world and it's not contingent on being with George!
