Savvy Auntie

...you clearly have a big heart!

Great article and wishing you the best.

Thank you for sharing your story.

I'm glad to hear that once you hit 40, the grief isn't as present, though it's always there. As a person in a similar space, I can't tell you how many nights I've soaked my pillow in tears that just won't stop coming. I have what looks like a good life from the outside as well - great job, good friends, a pretty full life. But I am missing the one thing I've wanted since I was a little girl, and there is no help coming over the horizon. I'm hopeful that this grief, now that I have an idea of what it is, will dissipate with time.

Thank you again for sharing your story. It's always helpful to hear others' perspective and experience on my own trials and tribulations.

I think you are pretty brave to share your story. I wonder if it would be worthwhile to look into freezing your eggs? It sounds as if you would be a wonderful mother. I wish you good fortune.

Melanie, I was touched after reading this article because I can relate. Thank you so much for sharing your story, made me feel less alone in this world. You seem like a beautiful person, and I hope with all my heart that you find what you're looking for. Loads of love and prayers X

I adopted a few kids through WorldVision because I felt the same loss you did and I wanted to feel vicariously like a mother. I think it is possible to be a Big Sister or a mentor and also have some of the maternal experiences. Regardless you are hitting on something real, which is that it's hard to feel grief when it's not socially sanctioned grief, and single women are frequently judged more than understood in situations like this one. I bought your book too.

Your article really resonated with me. I'm a couple years younger than you and find great consolation in how you described how once you hit 40, you were able to be at peace with your situation. I'm hoping I can get there emotionally, too. I remember once reading an article published around Mother's Day, written by a married woman who wanted a baby but was unable to concieve. She described how painful it was to see all those "Thank you, mom" banners and cards and sales slogans, and I was thinking how I felt upset the same way, but wasn't even allowed to express that kind of sadness because I didn't fit certain criteria. People would always say, "if you want a baby THAT much, you would not be so picky." Well for me it's not just about a baby. It's more about having a loving family (which I didn't get to experience when I was a child myself) and in my mind having a baby with a husband i am not in love with doesn't make sense. It almost sounds like a business deal, and cruel to the husband, too...So I can relate to your story. My best wishes go out to you-

Melanie, I am 63 years old, male, father of four, grandfather of four, live in Argentina, a latin country. I understand you so well.....
Two of my daughters are in a similar situation.
You seem a to be very brave person, stop waiting for what we call "the blue prince".
Think in getting pregnant by one of your good friends. You will NEVER regret it. A son or a daughter are so MUCH important than an spouse.....
Next year, please send me the name of the child...:)

Very poignant and I think a woman in this position should never be hesitant in expressing her feelings. They are just as real and as important as the feelings of couples who are having difficulty conceiving. Yes, this is also a real and legitimate unfortunate position to be in.

But let me ask you a question. Does anyone have any consideration or empathy for a male in a similar position? Yes, it is often said that men can have babies at almost any age, but realistically (especially with women now often looking towards younger men), an older single man reaches a position where he may not stand a very good chance of having children.

Yes, for whatever reasons, I also did not meet the right person at the right time. And I adore and love children, and also always envisioned myself having my own. It is heartbreaking. But I would submit that if you feel that it may be unacceptable for single women to feel this way (because many couples are trying to conceive and they would disapprove), imagine how much empathy a man who feels this way would receive.

I can totally understand you because, I am in the same situation.. My dream of three kids and happy family ever after never came true. I was married for 12 years, God only knows what I tried and how many hours spent in numerous hospitals trying this and that, never used contraception, and - was never getting pregnant. Doctors say, I am totally healthy, no problem there.. So I don't know what to say.. On top of that my, now ex, husband silently and not so silently blamed me for not wanting to have children with him..
Yes I am of a broken heart from that. I still wish to stay pregnant , I have almost three years relationship now with 10 years younger guy and, guess what, nothing.. It is truly painful... I have to come to terms with that from some reason I do not understand, I will not be blessed with motherhood .. not in this life.. The only thing I never dared to try (my health is a bit fragile) is IVF.. Al the rest I went through.. Am I less of a woman? I dream so many times of holding my baby.. waking up is .. truly depressing afterwards.. realizing it was a dream only.. BTW I am 42 as well...

This sort of feeling I don't see expressed very often and I thought I was the only one felt this. It breaks my heart having never found love nor had children and others will never know the sadness I feel at age 42 without a child while I see others around me abusing and hating the children they were blessed to have.

... i would sooooo love to share this on facebook but i have to admit i am too scared of the stupid reactions i will get (why don't you go to the sperm bank? just get out there and get a new partner! why not just screw around until... you should have thought of that before.... etc.). I know that they will hurt me too much. of course they would just go to prove the point of your article :-). But the dilemma remains, these thoughts can't easily be shared. very brave of you!

So many things you describe here are exactly things that I experience. I have woken up beside myself with tears that I hide and have ended the night wrought with grief that I can't shake myself out of. Though I have a good job, I am no "career woman." Though I've many friends, I feel the depth of a hole of something missing. What really moved me about your piece is the idea of disenfranchised grief. I always have such a difficulty explaining the above feelings to others. It's a point of frustration and despair. I feel very far from people.

A little different. I have almost been married - a few times - and I've been pregnant - a few times. This makes it worst. Not only do I get to carry the grief, but now the guilt. I could have had it "all."

Surprisingly, however sad I am in moments, I do not live the life of a shattered and destroyed woman. While I do feel frighteningly alone, I know I am not the only woman or person in the world that feels alone. This acceptance has helped me a lot. I don't think of it as me shivering cold on the outside looking in. I understand that even women, happily married with children, have their moments of despair.

What struck me was this idea of not being allowed to feel grief over things like this. It's interesting. I may feel very low, but I do not feel weak. Much of my inner strength comes from this pain - I find that "not being allowed" to experience my grief and receive comfort for it has allowed me to accept the grief of others. Plus...I don't give a damn if I'm not allowed to feel it. I feel it and I feel it strongly and I am unfettered by the cold and logical people who think I'm too much. I carry grief, but I do not carry shame. I've let that go.

In a lot of ways, I feel like it is my inability to compromise that has kept me from my dreams of love and family. I could not lie to myself and marry a man I did not love. Nor could I let a man marry me who obviously didn't love me. I did not want to burden a man with a child he did not want or have a child who did not have a father. Plus, I was so much younger then.

I'll say this - now that I'm over 30, I would make different decisions about having children. I could very happily raise a child by myself. But I still refuse to marry a man just to married. That means nothing to me. And however sad and bleak some nights are - I'd prefer that to the prison and torture of a loveless marriage.

So many things you describe here are exactly things that I experience. I have woken up beside myself with tears that I hide and have ended the night wrought with grief that I can't shake myself out of. Though I have a good job, I am no "career woman." Though I've many friends, I feel the depth of a hole of something missing. What really moved me about your piece is the idea of disenfranchised grief. I always have such a difficulty explaining the above feelings to others. It's a point of frustration and despair. I feel very far from people.

A little different. I have almost been married - a few times - and I've been pregnant - a few times. This makes it worst. Not only do I get to carry the grief, but now the guilt. I could have had it "all."

Surprisingly, however sad I am in moments, I do not live the life of a shattered and destroyed woman. While I do feel frighteningly alone, I know I am not the only woman or person in the world that feels alone. This acceptance has helped me a lot. I don't think of it as me shivering cold on the outside looking in. I understand that even women, happily married with children, have their moments of despair.

What struck me was this idea of not being allowed to feel grief over things like this. It's interesting. I may feel very low, but I do not feel weak. Much of my inner strength comes from this pain - I find that "not being allowed" to experience my grief and receive comfort for it has allowed me to accept the grief of others. Plus...I don't give a damn if I'm not allowed to feel it. I feel it and I feel it strongly and I am unfettered by the cold and logical people who think I'm too much. I carry grief, but I do not carry shame. I've let that go.

In a lot of ways, I feel like it is my inability to compromise that has kept me from my dreams of love and family. I could not lie to myself and marry a man I did not love. Nor could I let a man marry me who obviously didn't love me. I did not want to burden a man with a child he did not want or have a child who did not have a father. Plus, I was so much younger then.

I'll say this - now that I'm over 30, I would make different decisions about having children. I could very happily raise a child by myself. But I still refuse to marry a man just to married. That means nothing to me. And however sad and bleak some nights are - I'd prefer that to the prison and torture of a loveless marriage.

I'm a few years older than you and come from the exact opposite place. I'm very happy being single, and even though I love kids, I never wanted to be a parent. I didn't want the responsibility. I love being the kid, the one who can come and go as she pleases when she pleases. I've never felt any grief at all, yet I have to deal with people who act like I'm somehow unfortunate or deprived when that isn't the case. Marriage and kids aren't for everybody. I genuinely feel like the luckiest woman in the world because I'm free to pursue my dreams.

Have you ever considered adoption? There are so many kids who have no parents at all, especially in Third World countries. You can have your dream and at the same time save a child from a life of extreme poverty. Even though I never planned on having kids, two came into my life unexpectedly, both orphans, and I love them as if I gave birth to them and raised them from day one. And I wasn't even seeking to be a parent! Please look into this option.

Kudos to you for coming out and speaking your piece. I totally 'get' that others do not understand your feelings - how could they? For the majority things just 'slot into place' but not for me. I have described myself to people as marginalised, because that is how I feel, but just get blank stares. It is a physical pain to be excluded from the normal, expected things in life and it is a pain that most people do not have to experience, just an unlucky few. Well, I understand how you feel... and I'm a bloke

Melanie, thank you for sharing how you feel. At 35, I am already feeling the grief that you speak of. I see my sister, at 41, making peace with her life as it is and I know there are many others out there. You are not alone and I have just said a prayer for your peace and the peace of so many other women.

After happening on this site I now think maybe I was smart not to have children-

http://www.justrage.com/I_Hate/i-hate-being-a-fucking-mother-and-i-dont-...