Sexless Marriage? A Quick Fix Guide Read More
Setting aside time to talk about the problem was obvious. We did that. And we went to counseling. But none of those things made my wife interested again. None of us can figure it out, not even the therapist.
To the issue of long term sexlessness within the context of these dynamics.
I would certainly be wary of a therapist who claims otherwise.
For jaded marriages this might work, but the problem of intractable long term sexlessness seems immune from these suggestions.
Both men and women experience this too.
It is impossible to talk someone into "wanting it". Imagine trying to eat through a plate of the food you dislike the most, something that gives you the gag reflex. Can someone talk you into liking the taste of said food? No. You can force yourself to eat it, never to enjoy it. The experience of that pleasure is out of our control, we do not choose what we like or enjoy, and have no power to change what we like or enjoy. Once sexual desire is lost in marriage, it is gone, forever, period, no amount of talking will ever bring it back.
The glib, surface suggestions in this post will do NOTHING to help couples in true sexless marriages. If you're struggling with this issue, read the many excellent comments on these two posts by Mark D. White.
Although White's original posts on the topic are almost as useless as this one, the commenters, many of whom have been through this horrible experience, suggest some real solutions.
The author wrote that the suggestions were a quick fix. She did not claim they would fix all sexless marriages. To suggest that they are glib is also a glib statement. The suggestions are essential steps that you should go through if you are making a first attempt to fix the problem. In some cases, that will fix the problem.
As for "once sexual desire is lot in a marriage, it is gone" is as silly a statement as the assumption that a quick fix will always solve the problem. Sometimes it can be fixed with therapy and improvements in the couple's interactions. Sometimes it can be fixed by medical approaches such as with hormone adjustments. Sometimes it's just a matter of switching to a medication which doesn't suppress sex drive. And sometimes nobody can figure out how to fix it.
Many wives are never truly madly in love with their husbands when they marry. They have other goals, especially if theyre young and want kids.
If that true animal lust isnt there for a woman in the beginning (and trust me they can talk themselves into believing theyre in love with a man when theyre really in love with their own wedding and mothering fantasies) then when they have what they wanted -- a house, kids, settled life, they no longer care about sex because it was always just a means to an end; getting the guy and getting pregnant.
There isnt a therapist in the world that can make a woman desire sex with a man who doesnt turn her on if she was never beside-herself horny for him in the 1st place. She may do it to keep what she wants but forget about real passion. Her passion is herself, her kids, her friends. Her life.
A lot of us women know this. Im constantly amazed at how a guy will go thru with a marriage to a woman who is already treating him like a tool before the wedding is even over. Guys if youre gonna walk deliberately into a fantasy then your sexless marriage is on you. Be honest with yourself in the beginning. Thats the key. Like the saying goes, you make your money on a house when you buy, not when you sell. You go in good, its good. You go in hoping it will turn out, it prolly wont.
Well that was honest! Too bad they don't teach all of us stupid guys that in high school. Would save a lot of problems. I have come to the same conclusion after 20 boring years of marriage. Only thing I can do now is leave once the kids are grown but she probably won't care. Got what she wants, like you said, and I am just extra baggage.
i have a question ? that how can you have a pleasurable sex after marriage if your minds don't match .this is the fact causing so much of divorces in Asia due to arrange marriages.
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Lisa Thomas is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist practicing in Greenwood Village, Colorado.
Who says marriage is where desire goes to die?