Sexless Marriage? A Quick Fix Guide Read More
Setting aside time to talk about the problem was obvious. We did that. And we went to counseling. But none of those things made my wife interested again. None of us can figure it out, not even the therapist.
To the issue of long term sexlessness within the context of these dynamics.
I would certainly be wary of a therapist who claims otherwise.
For jaded marriages this might work, but the problem of intractable long term sexlessness seems immune from these suggestions.
Both men and women experience this too.
It is impossible to talk someone into "wanting it". Imagine trying to eat through a plate of the food you dislike the most, something that gives you the gag reflex. Can someone talk you into liking the taste of said food? No. You can force yourself to eat it, never to enjoy it. The experience of that pleasure is out of our control, we do not choose what we like or enjoy, and have no power to change what we like or enjoy. Once sexual desire is lost in marriage, it is gone, forever, period, no amount of talking will ever bring it back.
The glib, surface suggestions in this post will do NOTHING to help couples in true sexless marriages. If you're struggling with this issue, read the many excellent comments on these two posts by Mark D. White.
Although White's original posts on the topic are almost as useless as this one, the commenters, many of whom have been through this horrible experience, suggest some real solutions.
The author wrote that the suggestions were a quick fix. She did not claim they would fix all sexless marriages. To suggest that they are glib is also a glib statement. The suggestions are essential steps that you should go through if you are making a first attempt to fix the problem. In some cases, that will fix the problem.
As for "once sexual desire is lot in a marriage, it is gone" is as silly a statement as the assumption that a quick fix will always solve the problem. Sometimes it can be fixed with therapy and improvements in the couple's interactions. Sometimes it can be fixed by medical approaches such as with hormone adjustments. Sometimes it's just a matter of switching to a medication which doesn't suppress sex drive. And sometimes nobody can figure out how to fix it.
Many wives are never truly madly in love with their husbands when they marry. They have other goals, especially if theyre young and want kids.
If that true animal lust isnt there for a woman in the beginning (and trust me they can talk themselves into believing theyre in love with a man when theyre really in love with their own wedding and mothering fantasies) then when they have what they wanted -- a house, kids, settled life, they no longer care about sex because it was always just a means to an end; getting the guy and getting pregnant.
There isnt a therapist in the world that can make a woman desire sex with a man who doesnt turn her on if she was never beside-herself horny for him in the 1st place. She may do it to keep what she wants but forget about real passion. Her passion is herself, her kids, her friends. Her life.
A lot of us women know this. Im constantly amazed at how a guy will go thru with a marriage to a woman who is already treating him like a tool before the wedding is even over. Guys if youre gonna walk deliberately into a fantasy then your sexless marriage is on you. Be honest with yourself in the beginning. Thats the key. Like the saying goes, you make your money on a house when you buy, not when you sell. You go in good, its good. You go in hoping it will turn out, it prolly wont.
Well that was honest! Too bad they don't teach all of us stupid guys that in high school. Would save a lot of problems. I have come to the same conclusion after 20 boring years of marriage. Only thing I can do now is leave once the kids are grown but she probably won't care. Got what she wants, like you said, and I am just extra baggage.
i have a question ? that how can you have a pleasurable sex after marriage if your minds don't match .this is the fact causing so much of divorces in Asia due to arrange marriages.
I have been in a sexless marriage for 10 years. Sex stopped for the most part when my wife got pregnant with our daughter who is now 9 years old. If we did not have children, I would have initiated a divorce by now. We have gone 14 months without having sex. I have talked about this topic to my wife many times, she just gets upset, changes the subject, does not think anything is wrong. The interesting thing is that she is a social worker and psychologist by trade, yet refuses to acknowledge that the term/concept of a Sexless Marriage exists. My wife has a BS and Masters in Psych and is very smart. She says that none of her friends and husbands have sex more than 2-3 times per year. Yeah, right!
She has hormonal balance problems which reduces her libido.... she has no testosterone, none-near zero. Woman do need the big T as well! That is part of the problem. She has talked about this issue with her OB/Gyn but my wife does not want to take any supplements. The other issue is that my wife puts all of her energies into raising our daughter; she really does not have any emotional energy left for me or anyone for that matter.
I feel terrible when thinking about divorce and the impacts on my daughter. Worrying about how this would impact my daughter and the guilt almost consumes me. I do also have concerns about the financial impact of divorce. I have been successful in my career and have amassed a good net worth and don't want to lose half. I apologize if that sounds selfish. My plan actually is to wait until my daughter is a bit older before taking any definitive action with a divorce. My wife and I are more like friends or co-parents at this point. What is interesting is that my wife does not think anything is wrong. She was genuinely shocked when I suggested a few weeks ago that she look at becoming a little bit more financially independent. She is not working at this point so she can focus on my daughter which is admirable and I do sincerely appreciate that.
We just celebrated our 10 year anniversary. I honestly did not think that my wife wanted to do anything special except go to dinner. I was surprised…she actually made reservations at a local upscale hotel and got overnight child care. I thought positive on this whole experience. Much to my dismay she rolled over facing away from me just like every other night. So much for a romantic night out!
I know all of the ladies out there are thinking... well you must not be anything to bring home to Mom! :-) I try to help out around the house and take care of childcare duties as much as possible. I work a lot and financially do well which my wife certainly enjoys. She enjoys shopping for her home decor habit...picking out new counters and furniture... and the J Crew and Banana Republic shopping trips. Yeah... I like nice things too! I work out 4 days a week to stay fit. I just got asked if I was 10 years younger than I am. I am by no means a Brad Pitt but I try to look my best :-)
I have had several opportunities to stray. I actually had to go to HR at work because an employee was making very aggressive advances. I know that many men may laugh but I am not going to get fired over any woman at work!
I have a great female friend that I confide in along with her husband. I have known her for just as long as my wife. She is happily married. This friend has saved my marriage until this point. She is a great sounding board for me. I love her like a sister.
This felt good to write this all out. I hope someone on the interwebs can appreciate and understand that they are not alone in this situation!
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Lisa Thomas is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist practicing in Greenwood Village, Colorado.
When and how should we open up to loved ones?