Save Your Sex Life

Renewing romance and rekindling desire

For Women Only; A Guide to Coming Out of Your Sexual Shell

Learn how to break through shyness and have better sex tonight!

Becoming a sexual woman can be exciting, intimidating and terrifying all at the same time. In my private practice a sex therapist I’ve worked with hundreds of women who have come to my office in need of assistance coming out of their sexual shells. Some have just started dating, some are married and some are divorced but all of them are looking to be more sexually uninhibited, free and relaxed. Here are some ideas for getting from zero to fabulous sex.

Make a Decision for Yourself That You Are Interested in Having Better Sex

Being sexual has to be a decision for you. You won’t be authentically in it if you decide to be sexual because your boyfriend wants you to or your husband is begging you. You can make a choice to learn about your sexuality and have better sex if you choose to do so but please don’t let someone talk you into it because that’s what they want for you. You need to have a discussion with yourself about if you are ready to become more sexual. Once you decide it’s for you then go on to the next step.

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Take a Mirror and Look at Your Vagina

Ladies, it’s time to do this. Take a mirror and see what is downstairs already. How can you know what you want and what feels good sexually if you are unsure what is even down there in the first place? A hand mirror works best to take a look at what you really look like. Vagina’s come in all shapes and sizes so please don’t be too hard on yourself. Identify your outer lips, your inner lips and find your clitoris. Understand that most orgasms stem from your clitoris so it’s important to find where it is positioned.

Make it a Priority to Learn the Art of Self-Pleasure

Next step, learning how to masturbate and understanding the link between women who masturbate and having sexual confidence. Now some of us were raised to believe and think sex is dirty and girls aren’t supposed to touch themselves. As a grown woman you should think about giving yourself permission to find your pleasure and masturbate when you want. A good place to start is to order a vibrator online and have it sent right to the house. You can also find the brand “Lelo” at Brookstone retailers. See, now buying a vibrator is so normal they sell them in the mall at Brookstone, a very normal and non-threatening place!

Lelo vibrators are discreet and come in a variety of shapes and sizes. This brand is also good because it features controls that you can set the speed you are comfortable with so that it is just the right amount of stimulation for you to enjoy.

I suggest purchasing a brand that is small and has a flat surface area on the top so you can use it on your clitoris. Most of the time when women begin masturbating you aren’t sticking anything up inside your vagina, you are just pleasuring the outside and stimulating your clitoris. Practice masturbating a few times a week to start and try and work your way up to masturbating or being sexual with your partner every other day. You will begin developing an appetite for being sexual with better frequency if you are being sexual on a regular basis. You will also begin building sexual self confidence as you learn how your body reacts and what feels good to you.

Watch Porn, Read Erotica or just Go Buy “Fifty Shades of Grey”

So, to be frank, part of why men mostly have a higher libido than women is because they look at porn. They began looking at it from a young age to feed their curiosity about sex and to learn how to be sexual. In fact, when you think about it, men are mostly responsible for initiating and leading the sex experience.

The best secret for women to understand is pornography can be your friend if you will allow yourself to look. By viewing porn you will understand more about initiating, foreplay, positioning and what people do when they are being sexual in general. Now granted, not all porn suits all tastes so feel free to look around to find your taste (Role Play, First Time Sex, S&M, Sex in the Shower, Sex with Three People, ect).

What you don’t know can hurt you or at least your libido. If you are really shy about viewing porn alone ask your partner to help you, I’m sure not only will he be thrilled, he will know how to find some for you to view. Other erotica ideas include erotic books like the ones written by author Nancy Friday or sexy columns like the ones in Playboy/Penthouse Magazines. You acn also check out the sexuality section at your local bookstore.

Buy Some Sexy Clothes

If you are going to get in the mood to be sexual, either alone or with a partner, at least get into the mindset and the role by putting on something proper. No one feels sexy in a spit up scented bathrobe or those dreadful sweats we all are wearing every night. Go out or shop online for something pretty or sexy. Look for something in a beautiful fabric or in a pretty color. Find something that you like and that you connect with. Look anyplace from Victoria’s Secret to Target, lots of options exist from pretty nightgowns, lace topped stockings and pretty panties. Put your hang ups about how you look aside, if you keep making excuses for why you can’t do this you will never have the sexual relationship you deserve.

Initiate Some Romance Followed by Sex

Finally, initiate some romance. Drop a hint to your partner in the form of a sexy text or phone call. Tell them you want to clear the calendar for the night and to meet you in the bedroom. Have dinner or a glass of wine together first to have some connection to each other.

Then, go to the bedroom, lock the door, light a candle, put on Pandora Radio and go in for the kiss. If you have been using your vibrator and feel comfortable with it then pull it out and use it together. You can either show your partner how you like it placed on you or give it to them to hold and put your hands over theirs guiding it how you like until they get the hang of it and you can let go. You can also experiment holding the vibrator on your clitoris while you are having intercourse to see if it feels good. Remember you can always turn the speed of the toy down if it is over stimulating to you. Open your eyes and look at your partner during the occasion to catch their eye. End with more kisses and a snuggle. Be proud of yourself that you did something different sexually tonight.

You are coming out of your shell! This will protect your relationship because it is an exercise in trust and bonding that can be so good for you both. Make it a priority in the future to experiment sexually both alone and together. Having more transparency in your sexual relationship and taking risks with your partner will keep your relationship healthy, strong and exciting.

Lisa Thomas is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist practicing in Greenwood Village, Colorado.

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