Save Your Sex Life

Renewing romance and rekindling desire

9 Tips for a Hot and Healthy Marriage

Nine tips to improve the quality of your relationship and reconnect sexually

1. Have boundaries set around your immediate or nuclear family. Have individual, couples & family time built into your routine and redefined lines of connection with each spouse's family of origin. This means you have clear boundaries around how much time you spend with your parents/extended family and your spouses parents/extended family. Your couple's relationship and family must be the first priority.

2. Touch each other often. Have a good connection around non-sexual physical touching, hand holding, kissing hello & goodbye, laying together, sitting on the couch next to each other. Establish a routine to kiss hello when arriving home and goodbye in the morning when parting for the day.

3. Say I love you to one another. Hearing this is reassuring about the way your partner feels about your relationship. It's a small gesture that can keep your connection alive. Call each other during the day to say it if you miss your chance in the morning.

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4. Have regular physical intimacy dates. Having an ongoing sexual relationship in your marriage is important. Couple in their 20's average relations 2-4 times a week, couples in their 30's twice per week, 40's & 50's once to twice per week. Pay attention to the frequency so as you aren't being sexual less than twice per month and slipping into a routine that doesn't give priority to connecting in a physical way. Maintaining your physical connection gives your marriage staying power and protects it from the stresses of life. Create time either spontaneously or planned, to follow through with regular sex and intimacy. Your sexual relationship should be a tension reducer, not a tension producer.

5. Compliment your partner in front of other people. Not only is it a nice thing to do, it helps your partner feel a deep sense of attachment to you as well as builds their self-esteem. It's also good modeling for your children to see you being complementary to one another.

6. Every so often, have sex using a different sexual script. By mixing up your usual order of kissing, foreplay and intercourse you can reconnect in an amazing way. By initiating mixing up the script you take ownership of pleasure and eroticism in your marriage. Nothing is hotter than feeling desired and having a partner who takes charge of the sexual relationship.

7. Regularly give each other small gifts or gestures of loving and caring behaviors. Write your spouse a loving note, get them a special treat from the store or when you go on a business trip, write I love you in lipstick on the bathroom mirror one morning. By paying attention to this you can help your marriage maintain a ongoing connection.

8. When you are being sexual, open your eyes. Feeling even more daring? Lock a gaze during your orgasm. Doing this involves courage and letting your partner really see you, the essence of true intimacy, in-to-me-see. Your partner will have never felt so loved, connected and prioritized as a moment like this. Better than any romantic getaway any day, can be done at home anytime.

9. Have regular weekly dates to keep your connection alive and have regular weekly couple's business meetings to discuss ongoing family "business" including the division of roles and household duties, weekly plans and items that need to be discussed in the relationship By keeping these times separated, date night can be about connecting, talking and being physical and organizational "business" night can be about problem solving and collaberating as a team during the week.

Lisa Thomas is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist practicing in Greenwood Village, Colorado.

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