Save Your Sex Life

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Rediscovering your Sexuality After Divorce

Discover how to reconnect with your sexuality after divorce.

After a divorce, there will come a time to begin thinking about having a sexual relationship again. Often times when divorce has occurred, the couple had not been sexual in some time because the relationship had been on the decline.

When people get out of the routine of being physical with a partner, it can sometimes push the desire for physical closeness right out of one's vocabulary and sight. Sexual desire is manifested by having a regular rhythm of sexual experiences. In other words, you become at risk for becoming a sexual camel or having the ability to go long periods of time without being sexual and without noticing if you get out of practice. And, the longer you are out of the game, the less you may notice.

When you don't feel very sexual, how can one awaken their sexuality? What steps do you take to connect back to yourself sexually? The following are some guidelines to help find your lost libido and get back into having some physical intimacy in your daily life.

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First, recognize that there is a problem. When you don't feel sexual, it isn't considered to be normal. Don't brush it off if it doesn't seem to be clearing itself up. Most people do feel sexual in their own skin although at differing levels of course based on circumstance. The first stop may be your family doctor, GYN or urologist to ask if there could be a medical or hormonal reason you aren't feeling sexual. If something is off medically, you need to get this taken care of before you take any further steps. It is possible that the divorce and life change took such a presence for a time that you have neglected caring for yourself. Put finding your health including your libido on project status.

Next, try and come up with your theory as to why you don't feel any libido. Is it because you are still emotionally raw over the divorce? Are you not ready to be sexual again? Do you have any desire at times during the day or night to be sexual or is it just gone away period? Coming clear on what is happening will help you figure out what your options for moving forward include. There is also a difference between wanting to feel libido and not caring if you have it or not. In order to find what is lost you have to want to look for it and make some changes to get it back.

After this, look for the effects of sexual socialization on your life. Pay attention to your current sexual values and attitudes. This includes how you were raised to feel about sex and sexuality. Is it a positive feeling or is it negative. If bad feelings are associated with being sexual you must begin to rework your self-talk about what you now believe about being sexual at this stage of your life. In order to feel positive about being sexual you need to pay attention to the messages you are sending yourself about what you are allowing yourself to feel. If you think being sexual is only something younger or married people do you need to begin changing your thoughts around this so you can date and feel comfortable being sexual on some level.

Take inventory on your sexual image. Do you feel good about yourself sexually? If not, why not? You must learn to accept your sexual self and your body just as it is. Part of being sexual is what you do with your body. If you are uncomfortable or unfamiliar with it your libido and sexuality cannot help but to be affected. Learn to accept your genitals and how they are responsive to touch.

Self-pleasure should also be introduced to help your libido at this point. Self touch shouldn't be shameful, understand that 90% of people masturbate regularly including those that are in committed relationships. If your libido is really low, masturbating can help you to begin feeling sexual again and actually give you a jumpstart.

If you have never self-pleasured before, it is never too late to begin. If you feel uncomfortable touching yourself try using a vibrator to help buffer you from straight touching yourself. You can even use a washcloth in a warm bath to begin experimenting with touch. Reworking your sexual image into a positive one is essential before adding a partner into the mix. When you're able and comfortable to give loving touch to yourself, you are more able to accept touch from a partner and educate them on what you like. This is important for men and women alike.

Finally, learn to be aware of your sexual feelings, which exist separately from a partner. Many times when individuals have been in relationships or marriages they have stopped having a solo sex life and relied on their partner to produce pleasurable feelings to them when they had sex. Now that you are no longer in that relationship and may be on your own, why stop having those pleasurable feelings because the relationship ended? You must be tuned in to when you are feeling sexual and what serves as a bridge to that feeling. For example, does a bath help get you in the mood? How about a good movie or a workout? Paying attention to what correlates to you feeling sexual is important so you can begin to do something about having these sexual feelings.

Finding your lost libido after divorce is an important journey in moving forward with your life. Getting back on track physically will aid you in moving you to the next step with partner dating, commitment and having a good sexual relationship once again.

 

 

 

 

Lisa Thomas is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist practicing in Greenwood Village, Colorado.

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