Save Your Sex Life

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Jumpstarting Libido After Divorce

After a divorce, reclaim your sexuality!

How does one jumpstart their libido? Often times after a divorce or break-up, the couple had not been sexual in some time. The divorce didn't just signify the end of the marriage or relationship; it also meant the end of having a physical relationship with another person. When folks get out of the routine of being physical and sexual with a partner it can contribute to pushing the desire for physical closeness right out of one's mind.

When you don't feel very sexual, how can one awaken their sexuality? What steps do you take to connect back to yourself sexually? The following are some guidelines to help find your lost libido and get back into having a sexual life script.

Recognize that there is a problem. When you don't feel sexual, it isn't considered to be normal. Don't brush it off if it doesn't seem to be clearing itself up. Most people do feel sexual in their own skin although at differing levels of course. The first stop may be your family doctor, GYN or urologist to ask if there could be a medical reason you aren't feeling very sexual. If something is off hormonally for example, you need to get this taken care of before you take any further steps. It is possible that the divorce and life change took such a presence for a time that you have neglected caring for yourself.

Try and come up with your theory as to why you don't feel any libido. Is it because you are still emotionally raw over a past break up or divorce? Are you not ready to be sexual again? Do you have any desire at any times during the day or night to be sexual or is it just gone period? Coming clear on what is happening will help you figure out what your options for moving forward include. There is also a difference between wanting to feel libido and not caring if you have one or not. In order to find what is lost you have to want to look for it.

Look for the effects of socialization and upbringing in your life. Pay attention to your current sexual values and attitudes. This includes how you were raised to feel about sex and sexuality. Is it a positive feeling or is it negative. If bad is associated with being sexual you must begin to rework your self-talk about what you now believe about being sexual at this stage of your life. In order to feel positive about being sexual you need to pay attention to the messages you are sending yourself about what you are allowing yourself to think and feel. If you think being sexual is only something young or married people do you need to begin changing your thoughts so you can date and feel comfortable being sexual in new relationships.

Take inventory on your sexual image. Do you feel good about yourself? If not, why not? You must learn to accept your sexual self and your body just as it is. Part of being sexual is your connection with your body. If you are uncomfortable or unfamiliar with your libido, your sexuality cannot help but to be affected. Learn to accept your genitals and how they are responsive to touch. Understand that 9 out of 10 people masturbate regularly including those that are in committed relationships. Masturbation is also correlated with higher education meaning that the more education one has the more likely they are to masturbate and to understand this behavior is normal. If your libido is really low, masturbating can help you to begin feeling sexual again and actually give you a jumpstart reconnecting your mind to your body. If you have never masturbated before, it is never too late to begin. If you feel uncomfortable touching yourself with your own hand try using a vibrator. Reworking your sexual image into a positive one is essential before adding a partner into the mix. When you're able and comfortable touching yourself, you are better able to accept touch from a partner and educate them on what you enjoy.

Next, think about the level in which you were sexual in your marriage or past relationship. If it was good and you felt sexual and had desire, are you trying to just get back to feeling like that or do you want to create a new sexual existence in your life? Sometimes after the demise of a relationship, individuals want to broaden their sexual horizons and learn new ways to feel turned on. For example, some women have been in marriages where they never learned to initiate sex because it never happened in their marriage. In moving forward, they want to understand how to initiate being sexual with another person and feeling confident they are participating as an equal sexual partner.

Also, consider how to discuss the use of condoms or protection when being sexual with a new partner. You must learn to advocate for yourself so you don't end up sick with an STD or dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. Carry condoms with you so you are not reliant on a partner to furnish one if the mood should strike.

Finally, learn to be aware of your own sexual feelings, which exist separately from a partner. Many times when individuals have been in relationships or marriages they have stopped having a solo sex life and relied on their partner to produce pleasurable feelings to them when they had sex. Now that you are no longer in that relationship and may be on your own, why stop having those pleasurable feelings because the relationship ended? You must be tuned in to when you are feeling sexual and what serves as a bridge to that feeling. For example, does a bath help get you in the mood? How about a good movie or a workout? Paying attention to what correlates to you feeling sexual is important so you can begin to do something about having these sexual feelings.

Finding your lost libido is an important journey many take after a life change. Getting back on track to feeling like yourself is an important journey in helping you feel your best and move forward with your life.

Lisa Thomas is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist practicing in Greenwood Village, Colorado.

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