Save Your Sex Life

Renewing romance and rekindling desire

Healing Erectile Dysfunction

Using tools to regain your confidence.

Healing Erectile Dysfunction


Are you a man struggling with erectile problems? You may believe that you will have difficulty with this forever or that is not solvable unless you take medication for the problem but a pill may not fix all of the trouble. Here's why.... For most men, erectile problems are caused by an anxiety issue, not a medical issue. While prescriptions such as Viagra, Levitra and Cialis may help to solve the problem of getting your penis hard, you may not get to the core of why your penis is having difficulty getting hard in the first place. By then you are committed to taking prescriptions and "timing" when we are sexual for the rest of your sexual relationship. Getting to the core of the anxiety and taking back control of your body is what we will be discussing in this article.


Keep in mind that the only two ingredients necessary for an erection is to be aroused and to be relaxed. When one of those natural functions is interfered with you may experience erectile difficulties.
No doubt is you are experiencing a medical issue and cannot obtain an erection on your own due to vascular issues, a disability or other medical circumstance than erectile medications may be a life saver for you guys. I am speaking to the other men in the population who are dodging their sexual difficulties and hiding behind a prescription because it may be easier for them than figuring out why their penis's are not standing up during sexual encounters.


Pay Attention to your Relationship
You must be willing to look at what is going on between the two of you. You may want to have a discussion with your clothes on about the way you guys are going about being sexual. Are you satisfied with the frequency? Are you pleased with the script of what you are doing in bed (kissing, foreplay, and intercourse)? Do you feel like you guys are connecting during a sexual experience? Are we reading each other's cues correctly? When couples have sex less than twice a month you are guaranteed to have an anxiety laden experience. The reason is that you fall out of a routine of intimate touch and then it becomes very anxiety producing to get back into bed with each other. If you are not able to be sexual at least twice a month than at minimum you should spend time laying in bed and holding each other so as not to move too far away from intimacy and touch as a part of what we do. Couples with bad frequency set themselves up to be nervous that each experience has to "knock it out of the park". Since that can't be guaranteed you are better off to have more frequent experiences and learn how to handle "natural failures" by discussing this, confronting your anxiety about failures and learning how to being intimate in other ways than penetration with your penis.


Masturbate but be Careful
What I mean by masturbate but be careful is pay attention to the way you are masturbating and the material of what you are masturbating to. Some men when the masturbate use such a rough stroke and touch that the arousal and pleasure of doing it that way cannot be duplicated in partner sex. With that being said, just pay attention to making moves on yourself that can be done in the bedroom you share with your partner. Also, pay attention to your explicit materials. If you are pleasuring yourself watching material that is so different from when you are with your partner you may be setting yourself up for erectile and arousal problems. Try to watch material that is relational in nature or somehow depicts a story of two lovers being together, this will help work with your arousal pattern you are trying to create in your relationship. The other old fashioned idea is to just look at 2D images (magazines or books) that don't have the same arousal level as watching videos or looking online. 2D image porn may seem not as exciting at first but after a while you will begin to notice a desensitization that is happening and a resensitization that happens in real life with your sexual partner.


Slow Down, What's the Rush
You have to be willing to look at the pace in which you guys are being sexual. If your sexual script has boiled down to 1 minute of touching and then you expect to be ready to go then your penis is trying to communicate something very important to you, slow down and take a moment to get yourself aroused and ready for sex. The media does a horrible job of teaching us how to be sexual. In the movies it is depicted that folks kiss or touch and then everybody is just ready to stick it in. At home your sexual patter may be rushed because it is late or the kids may come in and need something. In functional sexual relationships, adults learn to lock the doors, tell kids they need some privacy and make time to connect through sex and touching to get us ready. Avoiding dealing with intimacy and sex illustrates that you don't have a firm grip on your own anxiety and you need to settle yourself down and work on this by not running away and not being avoidant. Slow down and marinate in your anxiety, tell your partner you are uncomfortable, its possibility contributing to your loss of erections and work through it together. You may need more arousal, you may need more closeness in the relationship and you may need to look at what you are saying to yourself during sex. Your mindset should be positive and relaxed; your focus should be on your partner's pleasure and responses, not on your penis. If criticism is a barrier in your sexual relationship go talk to a sex therapist for guidance through this issue, find a Certified Sex Therapist at www.AASECT.org

 
A very smart man, psychologist and mentor of mine named Dr. David Schnarch one said that "The bedroom and sexual relationships are the cradle of adult development". Think about this and open your eyes and your mind about why you are having this problem.

Lisa Thomas is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist practicing in Greenwood Village, Colorado.

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