New couples feel no less pressure to keep pace with these mythical images. If they can actually wait to keep their hands off each other, it must be because the thrill is gone.

Happily, a recent study, in which couples reported being passionately in love even after 21 years, casts some much needed doubt on these conclusions; and though some have been quick to point out, well, maybe that's because the kids have moved off to college by then (another chance to blame the kids), this seems to me not just wrong, but entirely beside the point. Shouldn't we be celebrating? It is possible to maintain passion. All we need to do is learn (and care about) what works.

Love-based marriage is relatively new in our history. Some cultures still arrange for people to get together, making matches based on pragmatism instead of passion. In fact, historically, passion was viewed as a terrible reason to marry (hence all the short-lived, tragic romances). This suggests that the problem isn't that passion dies out after a specified period of time. It's that we have little or no experience maintaining passion over the long haul; and we're probably far too influenced by the picture of quick and easy passion.

Love without Limits

Let's take a closer at the start of things. Romeo and Juliet (a sublime tale that feeds the romantic imagination around the world to this day) depicts, in bold and timeless scenes of grand passion, what true, romantic love should look like. The two lovers overcome great obstacles, just to try to be with each other—at the cost of their lives. Good on them.

But even the ill-fated Romeo and Juliet only had to overcome obstacles they wanted to. As soon as we pair up, based on passionate love rather than logistics, our lives become intertwined. Now, very few unwanted obstacles stand in the way, there's little fear that getting lost in a work project means you'll lose your one chance at true love. Suddenly both partners accumulate a list of obstacles that stand between them; except this time, neither partner feels the chores or tasks are unimportant and trivial. Survival of passion gives way to survival of life.

Romeo and Juliet never got that far. Neither do most of the couples in movies and novels that we hold up as icons of grand passion. We never see them figuring out how to get everything done that they both agree is important and still make time for each other. This is no easy task. It takes practice; and if the message is that passion just happens, we have little incentive to try. Obstacles you want to overcome are easy. Chosen obstacles are the true enemy of passion.

With all this focus on beginnings, there's no model for embracing our chosen obstacles (which are often shared and cherished goals) and figuring out how to keep love alive. That's what kills passion: inexperience; lack of practice.

Now, finally, we have some clues to what keeps passion alive. We're not simply passive animals, waiting around for cupid's dart to hit us between the eyes. Our great gift as humans is that we can take action, reaching out to the world, and to our partners, to stir passion inside ourselves. We can use imagination and we can plan—and what's becoming clearer by the moment is that some plans of action are sexier and more romantic than others.  Nurturing our desired goals—work, friendships, creating a family—means that we sometimes fall into habits of not connecting, not relating, and not really being couples at all. We sit around waiting for the action.

Stop waiting. Sometimes you have to act before you feel. The good news is, many of the things that we're learning help people feel passionate, connected, and close take little time, and keep us coming back for more—just like at the start of things. But you have to keep them up.

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So, without further ado, the list Romeo and Juliet might have liked if they'd made it to midlife—a sampling of research-backed ways to connect and reconnect on Valentine's Day and beyond:

1)   Touch: Multiples lines of evidence confirm the romantic importance of oxytocin, the "cuddle hormone," which is released in greater quantities when we touch our loved ones. The more you touch, the more oxytocin is released, which helps create feelings of closeness and trust—which leads to more touch. It's a positive intimacy loop. The same is true of sex. The more sex you have, the more the feel good brain chemical, dopamine, floods the brain's reward centers—which makes you want more sex. If you make time for nothing else, make time to cuddle, kiss, or hug. Make time for skin-to-skin contact.

2)   Look: Research also confirms that gazing into someone's eyes enhances feelings of attraction--even with a stranger. Oxytocin might play a role here as well. There's evidence that increased oxytocin leads to increased eye contact. Translation: another positive cycle, where holding hands and looking at your partner could make you want to look at them more. I'm forever encouraging couples to make eye contact again. It so simple, and so powerful, to look in to your partner eyes while talking. It's also all too easy to get into the habit of not looking at all. Try this: share the highs and lows of your day while actually maintaining eye contact. 

3)   Listen:  Intense feelings—say from sharing emotionally important experiences—can also enhance romance. Picture the classic scenes in movies: characters share their longings, their fears, their sadness, and fall towards each other, for the first time, in a passionate embrace. It's the stuff affairs are made of, so why shouldn't you and your committed partner enjoy the same benefits? Start confiding in each other again, and maybe you'll be sharing more than words.

4)   Laugh: men and women all over the world consider humor especially attractive. So play together, make jokes, laugh at your favorite comedians. Humor stimulates the reward centers (more dopamine)—which can only help keep the romance alive. Humor may literally be a turn-on. Higher dopamine has even been linked to higher testosterone, the hormone that fuels sex drive in men and women, alike. Couples who share inside jokes feel more satisfied and connected.

5)   Explore: Decades of research suggest that novelty enhances attraction. Make dates and explore new places together—go for a hike in the hills, send flirty texts, check out a new restaurant, leave a love note hidden in her purse or his coat. Call you partner up, out of the blue, and say I can't wait to see you tonight (and see if it doesn't excite you just to say it). All that novelty keeps the reward centers active and the dopamine flowing, which keeps the flame lit. 

Go ahead and get the flowers or chocolates. But don't forget: it's not things that keep us happy—it's experiences. Just ask those couples in the study.