The two most common theories of love are, as we might expect, contradictory. These are: "Opposites attract,"- which they often do. And: "Birds of a feather flock together" - a clone theory, - which they often do. But two other theories deserve our attention: social capital theory and chemistry theory.
Opposites really do attract as we are attracted to those who have personality attributes and qualities which we lack or need or admire and which complement our own. This is the "other half "theory, even the "better half "theory. As one friend told her husband: "You complete me." (Others totally reject the idea that they might be incomplete or need someone to complete them.) Still, extroverts and introverts may be drawn to each other, intellectuals and athletes, old and young, black and white... The attraction of difference, the unknown, the learning, the explorable, even the dangerous, the Other, is alluring. Since male and female are usually defined as opposite sexes, the theory has some validity in terms of mutual heterosexual attraction.
This theory is "embedded" in our culture : Romeo and Juliet, Tony and Maria in "West Side Story,""Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, "Cinderella, "Wuthering Heights,""Beauty and the Beast "- transgressions of family, ethnicity, race, class, personality, even species, with varying outcomes. The odds of such relationships lasting are lower than average, according to the statistics, and the more lines and boundaries transgressed, the lower the odds, according to "Sex in America " (Michael, 1994 : 48). Still, they may be fun while they last. The exotic is erotic.
And such loves do happen. Barack Obama is the product of an inter-racial marriage when they were banned in many states. Marilyn Monroe married a top athlete first, Joe DiMaggio, and then a leading intellectual. Opposites attract, but they are probably never totally opposite. There must be chemistry.
The "birds of a feather" theory is also useful in terms of understanding love; for like likes like, it loves itself in others. A similarity and compatibility of values, interests, traditions, language, age and lifestyles makes life and living together easier and less conflicted. The clone or mirror theory of love probably accounts for more marriages than the opposites attract theory. Men and women often marry the girl or boy next door, their childhood sweethearts. Such relationships may not be so exciting, and not so exotic, but the old Chinese curse: "May you live interesting lives," comes to mind.
Too bad: opposites clash and clones are boring. What is to be done? The solution seems obvious, a compromise: some similarity and commonality but also some difference and spice; some togetherness, bonding and unity but also some apartness, autonomy and freedom. If both individuals work outside the home, and so have their own lives as well as each others', then the relationship should work, in theory. But our folk wisdom is ambivalent even about such an excellent theory. On the one hand, yes: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." So true. We see this at the Arrivals area in airports all the time. But wait: "Out of sight, out of mind "and "When the cat's away, the mice will play." The cat too, come to that. So true too. Oh well.
A third theory might integrate the first two: social capital theory. We tend to fall in love with those of equal market value: alpha males and alpha females, gamma men and women, and so on. They may be opposite or clones but often they are equal. Sometimes opposites apply in terms of youth and beauty with age and money (trophy wives and toy boys), but often both are high achievers and successful in their own fields. As alpha opposites, consider Grace Kelly and Prince Rainier, Carla Bruni and President Nicolas Sarkozy, Posh Spice and David Beckham, Marilyn Monroe and first Joe and then Arthur Miller, or the quarterback and the cheerleader. As alpha clones, consider the lawyers: Bill and Hillary Clinton, Barack and Michelle Obama, Tony and Cherie Blair, and among royalty, Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip. The concept derives from Marx' theory of capital as an economic asset; but there are other assets : education, beauty, political power, fame, talent, sense of humor, earning potential, intelligence, youth, etc, and we can and do try to work out some sort of calculus of the worth of the other according to our own values. We talk about marrying up or down, whisky taste but beer income, people being below someone, or out of reach. This is love as market value: not so romantic, but practical.
Finally, we might say, bewailing a lost opportunity: "There was just no chemistry." And it's true : this is love as chemistry. In "The Anatomy of Love", Helen Fisher emphasizes that infatuation begins with molecules of PEA (sorry, I can't spell it or even pronounce it) and over time as love normalizes into attraction, endorphins gradually replace this PEA. But apparently attraction is also deeply influenced by the olfactory sense. New discoveries about the major histocompatibility complex (MHC) indicate that mice and men and women are sexually attracted to those whose auto-immune system is most different from their own, and therefore most complementary. This makes evolutionary sense since any children would have superior immune systems. Plus the more personal benefits are supposedly greater happiness and better orgasms - but apart from that... (Economist 12.1.08). The only snag is that the most biologically suitable person may not be the most socially suitable person: smells good but is bad. In sum, opposites do attract, not only across many boundaries but also genetically and nasally. Beauty is in the nose of the beholder. So maybe love is blind but aromatic.
"I want to know what love is "(Foreigner). I'll bet you do, mate. Don't we all. Hope this helps. But: "We murder to dissect. " Enjoy!
