Resolution, Not Conflict

The guide to problem-solving.

by Susan Heitler, Ph.D.

Can Energy Psychology Treatments End Chronic Pain?

New energy psychology techniques may revolutionize the way psychologists and physicians treat pain. They sure have helped me. Read More

How To Meet People At Parties: 7 Icebreakers

I can vouch for this getting-to-know-folks strategy having just returned from my husband's 45th college reunion where I knew virtually no one. Read More

5 Danger Signs that Invite Inadvertent Infidelity

Best to know and to heed the warning signs that indicate you're heading for an affair if you don't want an infidelity to put you and your loved ones through agony. Read More

How To Get An Ex Back: 5 Essential Steps

A large proportion of my clients are couples on the brink of a final ending. After drifting through years of distancing and fighting, the couple has separated. The couple is quickly heading downstream toward the waterfall of a permanent break-up or divorce. Is there any way at this point to save their love from splitting apart forever? Read More

Can I Trust My Gut to Know I've Found My True Love

Are gut intuitions enough to decide the big question, Is this The One, my real true love? Here's five short tests to help you assess if a person who feels like a marriage candidate would be a good choice for sealing the deal as husband and wife. Read More

Skip the Criticism Altogether. Give Feedback Instead.

The notion of constructive criticism is bogus. Criticism stings. Instead, give feedback. That's more useful and generally painless. Can you tell the difference? Here's three examples to test out your ear. Read More

Boundaries, Privacy and Intimacy Are Partly Culturally Determined

When couples start with different cultural backgrounds, their his-way, her-way expectations can lead to misunderstandings and quarrels. Differing views about the about boundaries between what should be kept private and what are legitimately public aspects of their lives can prove especially sensitive. Read More

What to Do With Your Mother Once You're a Grown-Up

Watching squirrels in my backyard and then goats in a meadow triggered thoughts about how adult children and their moms interact. Some enjoy each other like the playful furry-tailed squirrels. Others ignore each other like goat moms and their grown-up offpsring. Does our society train our children to value independence to the exclusion of sustaining strong family ties? Read More

Anxiety Problems, Part II: 3 Habits That Help

While people may label anxious feelings stress, fears, worries, tension or "my nerves," the feeling of anxiety is an unpleasant one. To escape anxious feelings, it can be tempting to try to distract yourself. In fact, directly addressing the situation that's stirring up anxiety problems is usually the fastest route to ending the icky feelings. Read More

A Short Course for Overcoming Narcissism and BPD

A few critical skill upgrades can massively improve relationships for folks who act in ways that get labeled narcissistic or borderline personality disorder. This Short Course suggests skills for the folks with the labels and also for their loved ones and work colleagues. Read More

Worrying in Relationships: 3 Habits That Invite Anxiety

At work, people may call worried feelings stress. In relationships, couples label worrying and anxiety as tension. Fortunately, at work, home and elsewhere, understanding the habits that exacerbate anxiety can launch you on a pathway toward feeling better. Read More

Will You Still Need Me? Will You Still Feed Me?

Here's a way you can catch a glimpse of the future. Take a look at what you've been doing in four arenas of your life to view the kinds of connections that are likely to lie ahead for you in your elder years. Read More

When Is "Doing What Comes Naturally" a Bad Idea?

Studies continue to show that relationship education courses significantly upgrade a couple's chances of enjoying a long and strong bond together. With effective apology, emotional self-regulation, communication and conflict resolution skills, partnerships of all sorts are more likely to thrive. Read More

Baby Come and Light My Fire...

Striking a match can light a candle. Initial sparks can help to kindle a blaze. So too with lighting sexual fires, which in turn help to keep marital affection warmly loving. What mutual actions can couples take to ignite their sexual energies? Read More

Couples Therapy: The Four Questions

Leonardo Niño Rodríguez, a journalist in Colombia South America, recently interviewed me for a state-of-the-art assessment of couples therapy. The four questions he asked me on behalf of readers of SEMANA Magazine, the leading Colombian news magazine, struck me as questions that may be of similar interest to readers of PsychologyToday.com. Read More

3 Mistakes That Invite Anxiety to Undermine Your Performance

Even athletes who are ranked amongst the top in the world sometimes find their level of performance cramped by anxious feelings. Yet most anxiety episodes occur in response to one of just 3 triggering thoughts. Train yourself to avoid these triggering thoughts and anxiety is far less likely to bubble up. Read More

Look Back on Your Childhood: The Better Marriage Project Part II

Gaining an adult’s perspective on the childhood relationships that formed templates for your marriage relationship can be very helpful. Journalist Elizabeth Weil's candid new book No Cheating, No Dying relates how she and her husband learned from their pasts to enhance their love in the present. Read More

What Increases Marriage Satisfaction?

Does perfect love result in a perfect marriage of two spouses who “live happily ever after?” Not so says forthright and funny journalist Elizabeth Weil, author of the newly released marriage-upgrade saga No Cheating, No Dying. And according to recent marriage research, that kind of perfection is not even desirable. Read More

How Technological Distractions Destroy Connections

There's many signs, including absurdly broad usage of antidepressants, that college students these days seem to be struggling emotionally. I recently forwarded the link to a particularly worrisome PT posting about depression on college campuses to an Ivy League student friend of mine. Here's what he wrote back to me. Read More

8 Guidelines for a Friendly Divorce

Divorce results from emotional distress. Anger, resentment, shame, guilt, and anxiety can tempt folks to want to get back at their spouse. Yet instead of healing emotional pain or easing resentments, divorce battling typically just adds to the emotional damage of everyone involved. Here's a guide to a more constructive pathway for marital disengagement. Read More

Your Mind Has Extraordinary Powers

There’s a revolution going on in the world of healing emotional and also physical distress. The revolution hinges on a remarkable discovery. We all can access far more knowledge, including self-knowledge of what we need to heal, than most of us ever have believed we can know. Read More

Changing Habits Beats Reliance on Willpower

Most of us behave fine when we are feeling calm and enjoying ourselves. Self-control depends on building strong habits that carry us through difficult situations when stress and intense emotions switch us to autopilot. Whether it's sports, anger, or eating that you want to manage well, knowling how to re-program your habits sets you up for success when you need it. Read More

Beware: Individual Therapy Can Harm Your Marriage

Individual therapy is often helpful. A therapist can provide emotional support and guidance for changes. But divorce can be an iatrogenic (therapist-induced) side effect of individual therapy for married folks. Read More

Collateral Damage

How does a sudden outbreak of war amongst civilized people in a sophisticated world-class city impact the life of a child? A psychologytoday.com reader shares her experiences. Read More

Bad Luck, Bad Choices or Psychological Reversal?

What seems like bad luck or self-defeating choices may stem from the subconscious workings of a phenomenon that therapists are just at the very beginning stages of recognizing and treating. Read More

A Quick and Quirky Addition to Depression Treatment Options

Extensive medical research has established that when people feel a sense of well-being there is more energy in their left than their right prefrontal lobe. Their brain, by contrast, has more energy in the right prefrontal lobe when depression is present. Read More

Some Ways to Practice Are More Perfect Than Others

What separates world-class performers from everyone else is how they practice. Here are the keys to becoming far better at whatever you love doing. Read More

Valentine Day's Thoughts on Love and Marriage

Smartmarriages founder Diane Sollee shares some of her favorite quotes on love and marriage. There's no time like Valentine's Day to think about what you can do to make your love relationship all the more positive. Read More

Three Ways to Use Play to Get Kids to Behave

Parenting, someone once said, is the art of getting kids to do what you want them to do, and getting them to stop doing things you don't want them to do. These three ways of playing can fill your basket of parenting tricks with potent fun strategies. Read More

Appendage-itis: When You Love Too Much

Loving others so much that you become an appendage to them can undermine relationships. Excessive altruism can be problematic just like narcissism, its opposite. My client Mary explains how. Read More

Susan Heitler, Ph.D., is the author of many books, including From Conflict to Resolution and The Power of Two. She is a graduate of Harvard University and New York University.

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About Resolution, Not Conflict

Pathways lead to forks in the road.Life similarly brings choice-points where we feel caught between wants and shoulds or frustrated when a loved one wants one thing and we want another. Do your choice-points tend to mire you in inner conflict? In tensions and arguments with loved ones? Strong skills for creating win-win solutions sustain personal well-being and harmonious relationships.