Resolution, Not Conflict

The guide to problem-solving.

Sexual Intercourse and Talking Together: What's the Same?

What could sex and talking together possibly have in common? Lots.... Read More

Excellent. Glad to see this

Excellent. Glad to see this article.

With respect to sex, we seem to get so wrapped up in the stigma that men are to be desirers and women are to be desired, that both genders can ( and do) get ripped off by not actively taking part in the desire equation. That is: the profound personal and psychological benefits of BEING desired for men, and the freedom and power that comes with being the desirer for women.

Yes!

Yes, I totally agree with you. The change in men and women's ways of doing sex together for me is the essence of the women's revolution. Now we can be on both sides, doers and receivers, of power relationships, and also can be totally collaborative.

We live in a wonderful time historically, and a great country, where equality is both the norm and the ideal.

Thanks Jen for sharing your thoughts.

A Curious Analogy

Dr Heitler, I was interested to read your analogy of narcissism partnering with excessive altruism through conversation and that of sexual activity. I don't know about you, but I know of many people who seem to be the "it's about me" types who often have quite one-sided conversations (almost always their side) with those who listen intently (or at least appear to be - perhaps sometimes out of politeness). In regard to those potential narcisstic types, your article has now lead me to ponder how often a similar behavior/dynamic occurs in the bedroom and, if so, how adequately their partner's sexual needs are (or aren't)being met.

Yes, alas....

Yes, alas. You describe a classic and unfortunate dynamic, and one that probably used to be all the more prevalent before the age of Women's lib. All too often in the past, stereotyped gender roles promoted this kind of pairing. Hopefully there's less these days....

Warmest thanks J. Nelson for highlighting this pattern.

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Susan Heitler, Ph.D., is the author of many books, including From Conflict to Resolution and The Power of Two. She is a graduate of Harvard University and New York University.

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