A vacinated relationship is likely to grow ever stronger and more loving over time.

At the same time, repeatedly making the same mistakes can lead to one of the the 3 A's, the three main marriage deal-breakers:  Alcoholism, Affairs and Anger.   

The 3 A mistakes can get you fired from the job of spouse.  Often, the baseball rules pertain: three strikes and you're out.  

The 3 A's of alcoholism, affairs and anger, in addition to wrecking your marriage, can have profoundly negative impacts on your children.  Modeling addictions, affairs and anger teaches your kids that this is what adults do. At the same time, addictive, sexually unfaithful and excessively angry behaviors teach your kids that attachments are unreliable and unsafe, making your kids less able to establish secure positive relationships as they reach adulthood.

Here's a closer look one by one at each of the 3 A's, and at potential remedies that can strengthen your resistance so these habits will not mar your work and love relationships, marriage, or parenting.

1. Addictions.  If your usage of a substance like alcohol or drugs, or habit like excessive shopping or sports-watching, ever prompted someone you love to say to you, "Too much," listen up.  The biggest mistake people make with addictions, alcohol and otherwise, is that they deny that they are over-doing it. They get defensive.  They insist "I"m only drinking so much because ..." They claim, "You do it too.." or "Everyone drinks like that.."  They minimize, "I just drink...." 

Denial is tempting, and extremely self-defeating.  Resist this temptation, and you have a chance at averting the potentially marriage-threatening consequences of an addiciton that you persist in sustaining. 

The remedy:  Take your loved one's concern seriously.  Seriously reassess your habit.

Ask yourself, "If I look at my drinking in the best possible light, what is it meant to accomplish?" 

If the answer is that drinking enables you to escape from stresses in your life, it's time to face those stresses head on. Addictions usually are an alternative to addressing and resolving problems, marital and otherwise.  Replace running away with talking about your problems with someone you trust. 

If the stresses are from marriage problems, learn the skills for talking problems through constructively, without arguing and with positive outcomes. As I write in another of my blogposts about how seemingly effortlessly skillful couples talk over tough issues, smooth communication flow takes high level skills.  You can learn these on your own with books or an online course or by finding good couples counseling. My PsychologyToday.com article on couples counseling explains what couple therapists do.

Persistance in activities that are clearly self-injurious may indicate also that your psychological system is locked in what therapists called "psychological reversal." Treatment of reversal is a new frontier in the therapy world.  With a knowledgable therapist however it can be accomplished via Skype or in person within one treatment hour.   

2. Affairs.  To resist the temptations of a sexual involvement from someone other than your beloved, beware of letting yourself enjoy the early titillaton phase of getting to know someone new. 

A minor sexual flirtation outside of your marriage or other monogamous relationship can feel good.  The problem is that sexuality is a slippery slope phenomenon.  Initially the activity seems neither too slippery nor sloped....until one more step, and the swoosh...you're hooked.  Sexual feelings are addictive. 

The remedy.  Plan ahead with your spouse your will-do's and won't do's by agreeing on prevention policies.  Take early exits from potentially sexual situations. See my posting on the importance of recognizing and planning for the potency of new sexual connections.

Sexual arousal is addictive.  Extrication from temptation becomes increasingly difficulty the longer you stay in a sexually energized interaction.  Plan ahead how you will keep your distance from situations in which the magnetism could prove to be stronger even than your potent desire to protect your marriage. 

In addition, see my posting on how to keep your marriage strong and loving so you stay totally clear that the temptation of a sexually exciting situation is not worth the risk of what you could lose.

3. Anger, from quiet sarcasm to verbal or physical abuse.

Everyone feels angry in provocative situations.  The question is how then to prevent angry feelings from erupting in counter-productive snide comments or hurtful actions.  The temptation to speak out in anger can lead to an ever-worsening situation. Even low-level angry tone of voice, words and actions are bound to create trouble. 

Sarcasm, for instance, is the best predictor of a spouse who will end up divorced.  (Credits for this research go to psychologist John Gottman).  While subtle sarcasm can sabotage a marriage quietly, high intensity anger with verbal or physical abuse more dramatically brings to an end either the marriage or the happiness of your spouse. Being married to a tyrant who tries to control you with anger is no fun.

The remedy. Learn about anger, and how to corral its arousal into constructive outlets. Take an anger management course.  Find a therapist who can do Bradley Nelson's emotion code techniques to decrease your tendency to anger arousal. 

In my PowerOfTwo program we teach that Anger is a stop sign.  At a stop sign, you pause to look about, define the problem, and figure out a safe way to proceed.  You wouldn't pick up the stop sign and batter people with it.  So instead of battering people when you're mad, calm down, figure out what you want, and find a more effective, less-damaging, non-angry way to get it. (please continue on the next page.)