Sexual impulses are powerful. Protect them.
Psychologist Shirley Glass first clarified that most infideleities are inadvertent occurrences that evolve with old flames or current work associates.
Working closely or talking often or worst of all travel alone together increase the likelihood that pleasantly titillating sexual feelings will arise at the office. Anything that feels good invites us to experience more of it. The stronger the arousal of positive feeling, the more that trigger has potential to override our good judgment so we can experience that feeling, again, and again, and again.
Sex can especially feel good. That's the good news and the bad news, though it's in fact no news, just obvious, to most of us. The problem with these good feelings is that as much as we may value fidelity, we are biologically designed for new sex to arouse more potent sexual feelings than old.
Meet, for instance, Mr. and Mrs Gerbil. Put a male and female gerbil together in a cage. Guess what they do? Copulate. Many times.
When scientists count these copulations they find a telling pattern. Over time, with familiarity, the number of copulations gradually decreases. Mr. and Mrs. Gerbil find a comfortable plateau at which copulation rate they have potential to live together happily ever after. There's a gradual lowering of their average daily copulation rate over time, but wherever the plateau rests, they seem contented.
Familiarity may not breed contempt but it does lower a couple's copulation rates. The actual satisfaction from copulation may not be lowered. Many couples in fact find that satisfaction from sexual acts increases over time. But the intensity of pre-copulation arousal decreases.
Now comes the problem. Put Mr. and Mrs. Gerbil into two separate cages. Add a new Mrs. for him, and a new Mr. for her. Boom. Copulation rates zoom up for both of the new couples, rising immediately to the copulation rate of the initial pairing.
Additional new partners or each gerbil will cause repeats again and again of the same pattern.
Does that mean that mammals are meant for multiple partners? No. People are not gerbils. People have an additional phenomenon called pair bonding. Not all people have that gene. But most do, perhaps because it takes two adults to raise offspring. One needs to forage for food while the other protects and nurtures the young. Or in our contemporary world, two increase the odds that they will be able to earn a living high enough to pay for housing, food, child care, clothes, leisure and savings for old age.
In addition, successful couples tend to like each other. Like Adam with Eve, they prefer companionship to loneliness. They treasure continuation of their partnership 'till death do us part.' And saving sex as a pleasure they enjoy only with each other is part of the deal.
So how can couples protect against inadvertent affairs? Here's five essential policies that are worth discussing together before sexual enticements with new potential partners enter the picture.
- Marry your loved one. Legal bonds help to consolidate sexual boundaries.
- If sexual feelings come up with people outside of your marriage partnership, bring these feelings home. Let them enhance your sexual enjoyment with your loved one, like a romantic movie can add to your marriage.
- Do not however seek out or encourage sexualized interactions with others. Flirtatious behavior starts you down the path to infidelities. Titillating interactions may be fun at the moment but can lead to destruction of your marriage, which is no fun whatsoever. If flirtation is seeming tempting, switch to rekindling the flames in your marriage.
- If excessively tempting sexual feelings do come up with someone with whom you must have repeated contact, especially with an old flame or a work associate as these are the two highest risk categories, tell your spouse. Honesty and openness have huge protective benefits. Stay a team and figure out together a plan of action.
- When you are interacting with someone of the other gender, especially at the office, when you are traveling without your spouse, or if you happen to reconnect with an old flame, protect yourself by following realistic policies.
a) Avoid discussions of personal topics. Talk about practical or business matters. Save personal talks for your spouse or same sex friends.
b) Do not play alone together. For instance, on business trips, dine in a group.
c) Meet only in public spaces. Stay clear of private places where "something" could happen.
d) Avoid alcohol if you must be in a one on one situation.
e) Separate yourself immediately from a situation that you may not be able to handle.
--------------------------------------------------------
Susan Heitler, PhD, a Denver Clinical psychologist, is author of multiple publications including From Conflict to Resolution and The Power of Two. A graduate of Harvard and NYU, Dr. Heitler's most recent project is a marriage skills website, PowerOfTwoMarriage.com.
