Repairing Relationships

Building intimacy and joy into your relationships

Creating the Couple

Is control an issue in manufacturing fake relationships?

How many times have you seen it, in your family, among your co-workers, fellow students and friends? How do two people fall head over heels in love with each other, even marry and have children and yet end up despising each other? Is it just that they are "unlucky at love", born under a bad sign, or snakebitten? Or is it the way they pursue love? And can it be corrected?

Couples are being created through the use of artificial intimacy. This is established in an encounter between a man and a woman by emphasizing physical involvment with no regard to compatibility as well as a submersion of the true self to conform and heighten the sense of commonality between the couple. These superficial similarities become a reason to believe in the future of the relationship.

Overwhelming desire drives the relationship into the realm of deception. Consider Steve, a thirty four year old businessman, who met his future  wife Steph at a Valentines Day party. The couples stayed up talking until dawn and three days later became engaged to be wed. Little more than a month later on their wedding day Steve proclaimed, "Once I knew that this was the right person, that we were meant to be, there was no point in waiting."

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Three days from meeting to being engaged and a month later married? It sounds rash, youthful, even stupid, but responsible mature adults are creating such couples all across America. They are willing themselves to the altar against all common sense. They have no idea if the person to whom they have committed has  a predilection for infidelity or tendecies to be violent. Waiting to find out such details might derail their headlong rush to matrimony. They are driven by the need to control the outcome and  are going to make this happen no matter what.

Consider the multi-billionaire and editor of US News and World Report, the suave  and brilliant  Mort Zuckerman, a confidant of presidents and among the most coveted of Sunday morning talking head political chat shows. In a whirlwind courtship he married Marla Prather, the distinguished head of the Department of Twentieth Century Art at the National Gallery of Art. "We had a very short courtship, and then boom, we're pregnant," said Marla. "We're still getting to know each other and learning to be parents." Predictably, this mismatch ended a few years later.

We laugh when we read of celebrity couples  like Kim Kardashian and NBA player Kris Humphries marrying quickly and  then divorcing in bitter acrimony, but older and allegedly wiser  couples like the Zuckermans are creating couples with the same foolish techniques and are reaping the same poor results.

 

J.R. Bruns, M.D., is co-author of The Tiger Woods Syndrome, a book about repairing relationships.

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