Thank you."

Great question Stephen. To understand where the resentment comes from, we must first understand how modern relationships begin. Growing numbers of young men, largely instructed by their ignorant peers and heavily influenced by the media of music, film, television and the internet, learned that if contemporary courtship success is based upon sexual attraction and suitability as lovers, then pretending to be emotionally compatible would greatly increase their chances of positive short term courtship results. Even good men have learned to their sorrow that in an American society that praises the concept of living for the moment, deceivers are the winners and nice guys often finish last. Mirage Man Syndrome, defined as men defrauding women for immediate companionship, has become an accepted and lauded way of life for many American men. We call those who practice such deception "mirage men".

Those who use the deceptive courtship to begin a romance will attract a person who may or may not be compatible.. Over time, each relationship goes through five distinct stages in the same order. These are (1) artificial intimacy, (2) approval seeking, (3) commitment/abandonment, (4) the honeymoon and (5) resigned compliance. Each stage leads to more commitment by each partner, binding them to an increasingly destructive relationship.

There are two strains of men who go through all five of these stages, the misogynist mirage man and the compliant mirage man. Let's look at each:

The misogynist has a Prince Charming personality before the romance hits its emotional peak at the Honeymoon stage. He is willing to temporarily surrender control of the relationship to the woman to get companionship and sexual favors, but he enters the union with the mind-set of disrespect and bitterness at womankind. Into this cauldron of hatred is added the resentments accrued in the present relationship, which will be expressed once the  thrill of the romance or marriage cools, as we saw with former NFL super star O.J. Simpson,  Two And A Half Men star Charlie Sheen and movie star Mel Gibson.

The compliant mirage man is mentally capable of loving and respecting women but has bought into the society-approved method of deception to gains a romance. He may be a good or spiritual/religious person, but he believes the romantic ends justify the means. Despite healthy motives, he ends up just as angry as the misogynist. Why? A tremendous resentment builds up from accommodating his partner and hiding his true feelings, tastes and goals. It doesn't become an issue until the honeymoon peak of the relationship fades. His partner will have no idea why his heart is no longer in the activities, people and events he seemed to enjoy so much with her early in the romance. But the only way for him to preserve the union is to continually accede to her wishes. He will kindle a simmering resentment from living with an incompatible mate, but never openly rebel against her. Thus he feels trapped. He may begin to look to his beloved as his oppressor and secretly begin to live a life doing the things he really enjoys, like former Senator and 2004 Vice-Presidential candidate John Edwards. He won't let on that he doesn't share his wife's beliefs, goals and tastes.

The day to day grind of living a role that isn't genuine leaves both the misogynist and compliant mirage men feeling weary, oppressed and resentful. They will be careful not to alienate their wives or live-ins through a tidal wave of pent-up rage. These mirage men will instead learn to express these feelings in sarcasm, bickering and simmering, never resolved arguments about non-relational subjects like the family pets, the in-laws and home improvement projects. They think this is a safe way to blow off steam without revealing the real reason for the bottomless well of unending anger. The wife or live-in is none the wiser about her mate's deception, and these misogynist and compliant mirage men can continue in the union for years or decades. 

Unfortunately for these mirage men, venting can only buy so much time. The once-passionate romance gradually slides toward disillusionment as the woman tires of her grouchy partner who won't let her move the relationship to greater intimacy and get to know his true self. But the misogynist and compliant mirage man must never reveal that secret. They must remain emotionally withdrawn from their increasingly miserable wife or live-in to preserve the relationship, lest they be found to be a fraud who deceived her from the very start of the romance. In a snowball effect, the woman will communicate her increasing displeasure about the union by becoming increasingly withdrawn physically. The well of anger dwelling deep inside the misogynist or compliant mirage man increases as the physical relations with his partner decline and the relationship shifts from one of romance to one of open conflict. Both partners end up completely miserable at this crisis phase of the final stage of Mirage Man Syndrome. 

For our married dentist,  the best outcome would be that he could someday hit bottom and, along with his wife, confront the harsh reality that the reasons they had fallen in love were myths and that her dream man was actually a mirage. The hardest hit is of course the woman, who believed the myth and now must recover from the devastating deception by her trusted man. If they both hit bottom and are committed to saving the relationship, they will seek outside intervention including marriage counselling, psychological and psychiatric services, Twelve-Step groups for codependency and for individual addictions. This requires the misogynist or compliant mirage man to courageously deal with his issues and demons that have been with him since childhood and are feeding his resentment and addictions. If both the man and woman remain committed to dealing with their issues, a new, better relationship arises from the ashes of the old one. 

For many misogynist and compliant mirage men, the fear of their partner rejecting their true self, wanting out, seeking legal remedy and strapping them with the huge financial costs of ending the relationship motivate them to fashion an apology and return to pretending to be Prince Charming. This is what happened to our married dentist. In this outcome, the blame is squarely on the man, but the solution is not a search for the true man and a new relationship based on honesty. Instead the couple returns to the deceptive ways of courtship before the honeymoon ended. The mirage man will redouble his efforts to conform himself to his mate. If he begins to act up, his mate has him on an extremely short leash and is quick to bring him into line as the phony he truly is. 

The way for many mirage men to cope with this humiliating situation is to withdraw from reality with increased compulsive behavior. If they already drink, they begin drinking more heavily to up the dose of soothing medication. Men in this predicament (like our married dentist) aren't about to deal with their addictions because they help them make it through the day. The actual way each man in this situation withdraws varies. Overeating, serial adultery, workaholism, drug and alcohol addiction, religious addiction, excessive gambling, sports, card-playing, excessive television watching or reading, pornography, controlling or fixing others and fixation on their children and grandchildren are but a few of 180 possible addictions they may use to numb themselves from the reality of their self-created Hell on earth.

It's quite a fall from the initial thrill of romance at the nightclub or dance to this bleak scenario. There is a reason why country clubs are filled with burned out men spending huge chunks of their Saturdays and Sundays away from those they once loved so dearly. We urge all women and men to avoid the sorry fate of the mirage relationship, and if you realize you are already in one, seek professional help.