Repairing Relationships

Building intimacy and joy into your relationships

Unresolved Feelings Are Relationship Poison

Unresolved feelings are often displaced onto the innocent.

Instead of dealing with the issues of the prior relationship, mirage men plunge into a new romance thinking it will solve all their problems. Donald, a thirty four year old chemical salesman, is a great example. His marriage had been deteriorating for several years once his wife realized the true nature of her husband and lost all respect for him. This sad ending could have actually been an opportunity for Donald. It could have been a time for introspection and professional therapy to deal with his unaddressed personal problems and addictions. It could have been a time to mend his deceitful ways with women. But a month after his wife moved out, Donald instead enlisted a computer dating service like e-harmony.com to search for some body to love (pun intended). Within six months of the final divorce decree, the irrepressible Donald was remarried. Only this time he now had a mirage relationship AND his mother-in-law living with him!

To men like Donald, being alone is the problem to be solved, not the issues that sabotaged his last romance. But the feelings of resentment about the old lover creep back in once the Honeymoon peak stage of the new relationship inevitably fades away and physical intimacy loses it's anesthetic effect. Then the new partner has to cope with their spouse's displaced anger that should have been dealt with months or years earlier in addition to any new compatibility issues he has hidden to win the new romance. Talk about a double whammy! Mirage men like the think they can cheat the hangman, but eventually they and the unsuspecting people around them pay... in spades.

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J.R. Bruns, M.D., is co-author of The Tiger Woods Syndrome, a book about repairing relationships.

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