To date in a heathy manner one must take into account that compatibility issues will inevitably surface once the thrill of the relationship fades. Consider the sad testimony of Academy Award winning actress Halle Berry, fresh from a messy divorce from former Atlanta Braves and New York Yankees star outfielder Dave Justice: " I've learned so much through marriage, and I've learned that, the next time around, I'm going to take the time to find out, 'Do I really like you?' Not 'Do I love you and am in love and do I lust after you', but 'Do I like who you are, and can I laugh with you and play with you?' I think I might take the time to figure that out."
To avoid romantic commitment with someone of clashing temperaments, one needs to see past the initial physical attraction and charm to your potential partner's compatibility with your own personality style. Psychological experts have compiled indexes of personality types and we recommend using one devised by David Merrill that denotes four general kinds: Analytical, Driven, Expressive and Amiable.
Each personality type has its positive and negative aspects (and many people share from more than one personality type). For example, the Analytical and Amiable are less assertive, while the Driven and Expressive are more in your face. Do you like it when someone stands up for their rights, or are you embarrassed when a person (with a personality like George Costanza or Elaine Benes from the Seinfeld show) causes a scene if their steak is undercooked or a person at a cocktail party makes a politically incorrect remark?
The Analytical and Driven are more task oriented, while the Amiable and Expressive are more attentive to the emotional needs of those around them. Would you rather hang out with someone who is focused and achievement oriented, or do you value having fun along the way? These are important factors in deciding who you would wish to date, much less commit to for eternity.
Given your own range of emotion and assertiveness, you will connect with certain personality types and clash with others. There is no cookie cutter, one size fits all way to compatibility. You have to do the hard work of finding out where you stand and what you need.
You may be attracted to the Expressive personality type, because they are exciting, funny and charming. However Expressives tend to be talkative, low-achieving, needy and flakey. If you value loyalty over having fun, you may react by choosing to date people with the reliable but introverted Analytical personality.
The Analytical personality type tends to be thoughtful, organized, dependable, quiet and high achieving. That can be the perfect antidote after a bad experience dating a mercurial Expressive. However, the Analytical also has the negative tendencies of being overly critical, skeptical, humorless and boring. You may react to the critical nature of the Analytical person by dating someone who is Amiable.
The Amiable personality type is friendly, upbeat, even-tempered, non-judgemental, moderately organized and agreeable. What a relief after that Analytical person! Unfortunately, the Amiable also tends to be indecisive, resent change and will not communicate when they are troubled. The Amiable's poor communication skills and lack of goals may then motivate you to seek out a Driven person,
The Driven personality type is self-assured, innovative, self-motivated, stimulating and a great leader. You really go places with a driven person! However the Drivens tend to also be cold-blooded and manipulative, unempathetic, impatient and domineering. So we see through this exercise that there is no perfect person waiting for us out there: it really depends on what you value as an individual and what type of personality complements your personality best. Every general personality type has some repulsive elements that become very hard to ignore once the Honeymoon cools off. We must be willing, with eyes wide open, to accept the good with the bad when we commit to that one person.
