Repairing Relationships

Building intimacy and joy into your relationships

Why do so many men stalk women after a relationship ends?

The other end of the spectrum from the disappearing guy who never calls again is the mirage man who won't go away after the relationship ends. Read More

Please boys...

Here we go again with men thinking they know women and how we work...ugh.

Hey guys...sometimes women stop dating men because they are no longer attracted to them or get creeped out or whatever. What's this crap about women always having another one in the wings? Sounds like a male fantasy to me, making it sound like women are capricious at best...deceptive and calculating at worst!

Also...These stalking mens need to learn that dating a women isn't tantamount to ownership and possession. Most stalker behavior is often based on a male mentality of ownership, possession and territory....fueled by hormones and desire.

Actually the opposite

There is nothing "deceptive and calculating" about using dating to determine compatibility. We didn't say women "always" have one in the wings. We did say "if either partner is not satisfied with a casual dating relationship, they should be free to leave it at any time with no guilt", but that seemed to have escaped your notice.

Oh ...I read it Sir

First...I didn't say that dating for women is an act of 'deception and/or capriciousness." What I wrote was that your description of how women play out dating in the back of their minds paints women as either deceptive or capricious, or both!

"Mirage men have no idea that popular and skillful women will cultivate several future beaus even as they date their current boyfriend. In our book we refer to this as the sine curve of dating."

This first sentence sets up this "notion" you have about women...and your sentence infers that many/most/all women (if they are attractive or skillful enough...skillful implies a certain calculation!) have someone else on the hook...in the back grd, just in case? As a Women...it screams that to me, which is absurd and of course offensive! My god...you even gave it a name! Just because you name soemthing that may )or may not) exist, doesn't make it so!

"They are shocked and wounded by the fact that as the current relationship ends these women will have another man waiting in the wings, at the threshold of another dating relationship. This simple truth needs to be communicated to boys as they enter adolescence."

This second sentence helps to reenforce this erroneous point home further as I interpret that by saying that men learn this as little boys. Who taught you that? Plus, you throw out the idea that every boy learns that girls are not to be trusted because they are always looking down the road for a better offer...again...sounds capricious to me!

But of course you mention nothing of the possessiveness/control issues that these sorts of men are mentally caught up in...but I suppose that point escaped you!

No you didn't Ma'am.

"Mirage men have no idea that popular and skillful women will cultivate several future beaus even as they date their current boyfriend. In our book we refer to this as the sine curve of dating."

"This first sentence sets up this "notion" you have about women...and your sentence infers that many/most/all women"

No, we said "popular and skillful women".

That does not imply most/all women.

If you read our book you would know "who taught you that". The culture teaches men to pursue relationships based on the superficial values of physical attraction and charm over compatibility and shared interests. That leads to the possessiveness issues that are dealt with in Chapter 11 of our book.

"Plus, you throw out the idea that every boy learns that girls are not to be trusted because they are always looking down the road for a better offer...again...sounds capricious to me!"

Actually we said just the opposite:

"Much of the current stalker phenomenon is based on ignorance. Mirage men have NO IDEA that popular and skillful women will cultivate several future beaus even as they date their current boyfriend. In our book we refer to this as the sine curve of dating."

We said mirage men have no idea that girls or women may date to determine compatibility. That's why these mirage men are "shocked" when their relationship doesn't last. We thus advocate education so the next generation of boys doesn't grow up with these ignorant assumptions about dating.

You have somehow managed to twist a cautionary blog on men stalking women into an attack on women. Our book is designed to alert women to the shameful behavior of mirage men and inform women in Chaper 10 what they can do to protect themselves from these love charlatans.

Looks like that reader didn't

Looks like that reader didn't get the point of your book, Doc.

BAck to my point

Once again, I read the article but the tone of the article to me, as a woman, is that of these "poor clueless guys" just don't understand how these attractive crafty women work...so it is hardly their fault since they were never taught about such things that women do when dating. Almost men as poor victims to such women.

The fact that you never, ever bothered to address issues of power and control as a harbingers of men who stalk show you are more interested in promoting your "mirage men" construct than dealing with attitudes that drive such mens potentially hostile/potential angry/violent behavior. Stalking isn't an act of love or attraction after all. Because stalking is about trying to gain control where a man no longer has it. Same for those women who stalk...equally potentially as violent and unpredictable. Because if you think it is how women approach dating (in your driving point of why men stalk according to the above article) that drives these men to stalk, you are very much off base.

We must be doing something right

You think we are excusing men and men think we are anti-men. Please show us where we say "poor clueless guys"and "crafty women". We are pointing out a serious problem and showing that education can be one of the solutions.

Which book?

And by book do you mean The Tiger Woods Syndrome?

Truth vs. Fiction

bla bla bla, rhetoric, rhetoric.

Fact is that, whatever anonymous, Dr. X or I or anyone else says, women *DO* have another man waiting in the wings in 9/10 cases. And the remaining 1 is usually and most probably the one time where the man has left the girl, most usually in the earlier stages of dating (where the woman honestly cannot see any other man as a potential boyfriend, given that she truly is attracted to her current one). As the relationship progresses almost all women tend to develop a certain love/hate relationship: certainly all do talk to some guys and most of the time this is without the knowledge of the man, who is most of the time entirely oblivious to his girlfriend's "extra-curricular" activities.

Women tend to be masters at hiding things, men tend to be quite naive. Furthermore, women tend to be much more suspicious, men over-confident. This probably stems from the fact that men are very open (intentionally or not) about their attraction to other girls, especially hot girls. Whereas women will usually keep their desires quite hidden.

That is why women are "better" at knowing things - many will just assume the worst. I have been accused of having another girl countless times, when in fact I was not even talking to anyone, just truly busy.

My sources? Well, my own meandering experience, and all, and I mean ALL, of my friend's. And of course common sense and knowledge, because, after all, this is what this is. Only in the last couple of decades have these theories emerged. Up until then, everyone knew these simple truths.

Interpretation of facts is a different matter. Whether actions are moral or not calls for an ethical discussion, not a descriptive one. For what it's worth, I myself do think that "having another beau" "just in case" is deceiving, and find it morally wrong. That's my take on it. If we are to pursue "love" we should do it the right one (the only way, in my opinion), otherwise it's just a sharade.

In other words, I agree with most of the article, but this merely provides me with a reality that makes me shun the "ways of love" in favour of a more practical "I want companionship now", much in the spirit of the instant gratification plaguing this age.

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Allowed HTML tags: <a> <em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd>
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
  • You may quote other posts using [quote] tags.

More information about formatting options

J.R. Bruns, M.D., is co-author of The Tiger Woods Syndrome, a book about repairing relationships.

more...

Subscribe to Repairing Relationships

Current Issue

Love & Lust

Who says marriage is where desire goes to die?