Repairing Relationships

Building intimacy and joy into your relationships

Why do so many men stalk women after a relationship ends?

How to prevent the stalker.

The other end of the spectrum from the disappearing guy who never calls again is the mirage man who won't go away after the relationship ends.

Much of the current stalker phenomenon is based on ignorance. Mirage men have no idea that popular and skillful women may cultivate several future beaus even as they date their current boyfriend. In our book we refer to this as the sine curve of dating.

Mirage men are encouraged by music, movies and television to put way too much emotional stock in a simple dating relationship. They are shocked and wounded by the fact that as the current relationship ends these women may have another man waiting in the wings, at the threshold of another dating relationship. This simple truth needs to be communicated to boys as they enter adolescence.

Mirage men don't understand that the purpose of dating is to determine compatibility. Instead they pretend they've found their soul mate for life. They are more interested in the idea of you than the real you. Women need to understand this concept so they can nip a stalking relationship at the bud. Rushing into a romance with a virtual stranger can lead to possessive relationships with men who may be mentally ill or simply believe the media myth that persistence will win them a mate. 

Women should be free to date a series of men. Guys must be taught to expect it and not resent it. If either partner is not satisfied with a casual dating relationship, they should be free to leave it at any time with no guilt.

 

J.R. Bruns, M.D., is co-author of The Tiger Woods Syndrome, a book about repairing relationships.

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