Repairing Relationships

wow! while i agree that the notion of "training" anyone is pretty problematic, you make it sound as though men are the noble and downtrodden who give everything up for women, whilst women just take, take, take - and that is very problematic. this might not have been your intention, but your article seems to imply or insinuate that men are the only ones who bury their wants and needs to be in a relationship, and that is a simple fallacy. everyone makes sacrifices and compromises within their relationships. it's how we find balance between two different people and their needs and wants that is important.

anyone can choose to resent their partner for the sacrifices they make on behalf of the relationship (i could easily talk about my loss of career choice, the many things i have given up). or they can accept that their actions are their own choices, and that no one "makes" them choose to sacrifice - and that when someone chooses their relationship over a more selfish desire, that too is a choice.

You would love our book "The Tiger Woods Syndrome". We do not describe this five stage behavior practiced by men to obtain a relationship as "noble" and men as "downtrodden". In fact we blast men as practicing duplicity in their courtship of women. We are not talking about the normal sacrifices and compromises that are freely and openly made within relationships. We are talking about millions of American men like Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton, Newt Gingerich, John Edwards, Steve McNair, Eliot Spitzer, David Letterman and Mark Sanford who craft an image as successful family men but turn out to be mirages to those who love them the most and think they know them the best. This sick behavior is taught and reinforced by a media that celebrates such superficial values as living for the moment. Our book challenges men to make a choice: to continue in ths unhealthy behavior or choose health and honesty.

I don't believe that men only sacrifice for relationships -- at least good relationships. But, I think that current institutions and thought have encouraged women to "take control" of relationships to reverse historical influences of married women not having equal rights. Now, it appears to me, that the pendulum has swung far past the center.

I agree that men who seek to "appear to fit a particular mold" but who actually are nothing like what they seek to appear act despicably. But, I also believe that there has been a sense of "homogenization" that has created the expectation that all men will appear this way.

I suspect that many women would not be happy with the boundaries that they impose on the men with whom they have relationships.

People of both genders are unfaithful, perhaps this is an issue of millions of years of evolution colliding with modern morality. The architecture of our bodies is to procreate, to spread our genes as copiously as possible. Strict monogamy is relatively recent in the history of Homo sapiens and pushes up against millions of years of evolution and will inevitably cause dysfunctional behaviour (See Celibacy-Catholic Priesthood). Combine this with people getting married for marriage's sake and you have an unconquerable problem. Neither gender should marry someone they have little in common with and both would come to resent the other should they do so. Whether it's a man marrying the wrong woman because it's the next logical step after getting a career post-college or a woman marrying the wrong man because her friends are all getting married and wants her "special day" too, biology trumps morality every time. I don't think men (or women for that matter) need to be "blasted" for "sick behaviour" as you suggest but rather should be more intelligent about WHO they marry and WHY they marry them.

When marrying I think it's vital to have 1)Compatible sexual appetites, 2)More importantly as Nietzsche said : "When entering into a marriage one ought to ask oneself; do you believe you are going to enjoy talking with this woman up into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory, but most of the time you are together will be devoted to conversation."

I refuse to chase men, "snag" a man or train them. I am only interested in an equal, who in essence is a partial mirror image of myself and the other part being what makes him unique. At this point I am not exceptionally interested in dating, however, even if I were, I refuse to engage in these ridiculous behaviors. Women who seek to "train" men end up in insane misery lead by paranoia and worry over the man's interactions. There are many women who give men everything they state they want and are still cheated on. Both women and men have to decide if a relationship is worth it and then take it from there. "Training" is best left for horses...