Relationship Boot Camp

Thanks for addressing the tight rope daters find themselves in these days. Datings easier when the standards are clear, but I'd also not want to return to 1950's marriage-mania.

You made a valid point about people needing to more directly communicate what they want because the dating world is so ambiguous. It would save me alot of time if people were more direct about their intentions or not make assumptions about mine. Chances are there is someone for them whatever they want to do. Is it a lack of communication skills or guts? In my experience, both play into it.

However, you expressed some assumptions about single people today that are not likely true for the bulk of us. Most single people I know aren't simply into 'fun and friends with benefits'. Some would like to marry off and have babies pronto. Most are somewhere between those polar opposites. I also don't go to bars just to pick-up men, but to hang out with friends and watch shows. Married or not, I'd still do those things.

I guess the point I was trying to make above is that you were stereotyping single people as a group. We are a diverse bunch and that creates confusion when communication isn't clear.

Dr. Heisler seems to think we all should be honest and up front about our wants, needs and desires when it comes to relationships.

But let's use logic rather than ethics and morality. If you are not interested in a long term relationship that will lead to marriage then being honest with a romantic partner will benefit you how exactly? People/men often want sex, romance, intimacy and friendship. They get that from dating and relationships. People/women sometimes want long-term committed relationships that may lead to marriage. When one dates people who are interested in long term committed relationships it can be highly fulfilling and one can get lots of sex, romance, intimacy and friendship during the relationship. If, at any point, one divulges to a long-term committed relationship-type partner that they are not interest in marriage then the friendship, intimacy, sex and romance will come to an immediate and abrupt end, so that is a very very bad idea.

Perpetuating romantic relationships for your personal benefit can be a situation where lying and dodging the truth will get you want you want and desire. When your dating partner finally figures out that you are "not ready" for commitment and marriage then all you have to do is pack your bags and move on with your life. It's unfortunate it all has to end but there are many more willing partners out there ready to believe another bundle of lies. Win win win, no consequences.

If lying is not for you, then one can prolong a relationship for weeks/months simply by insisting that they aren't ready to have any serious discussions about long-term goals. Or they can say they'll be able to talk about it when they receive a promotion/better job/pay-off-bills, etc.

Now if one does want a long-term committed relationship with an honest partner all I can suggest is bringing the subject up often and having a great deal of discussion about the future. Those that want it will want to talk about what the future looks like. Most people will disagree with me on this as it provides too much pressure. But if you don't do it you run the risk of dating a liar(see paragraphs above).

I could get into dating scenarios from my own life, but I am not in the mood today; This is also Psychology Today and not an episode of Sex and The City.

In an ideal world, if one simply wants to screw about there are ample websites and places to find that. Don't waste my time. People make assumptions that I want babies and want them NOW NOW NOW simply because I'm a single woman in her early 30's. Why not ask me? People shouldn't make automatic assumptions, but they do. Oh wait, thats another reason to lie about my age on my hypothetical online dating profile.

I suppose it is my directness about this stuff that means I live with little drama, but end up single. See I am flawed! Ha ha ha... Though I suppose I waste less time with crappy candidates that way. I am fine with that. I enjoy life either way.

Sometimes we get even more ambivalent - like not even calling a date a date. Some of us (just to be inclusive) seem content to just let ambivalence rule until signals get loud enough that ambivalence is not an option. This can make for interesting if not awkward hang-out dates - where rules for giving numbers and/or dancing with other interested individuals is sketchy territory.

Thx for your thoughful comments