For most of the current season of the "Housewives of NJ" a boiling interpersonal feud has taken center stage.
At first it seemed like the feud was between Teresa and Melissa.
They flung verbal insults and taunts back and forth, with a lot of the behind-the-back aggression that tends to constitute adult, female violence, though neither party articulated a clear reason for the conflict. In fact, Melissa seemed rightly confused most of the time. After a few episodes, it became clear that the negative feelings were really between the men—Teresa's husband Joe Giudice and Melissa's husband Joe Gorga.
A few more episodes unfolded and the viewers learned a bit more context. It seemed that Teresa and Melissa's initiatal stance of aggression toward each other was more of a gesture of loyalty toward their husbands. They were expressing allegiance to one husband who was increasingly pissed with the other.
In any event, why the feud between the Joe's? It has never been fully clarified though for most of the season the show suggested (and this is consistent with each person's subsequent behavior) that the half-drunken fist fight that unfolded between them at a christening in the season premiere was the trigger.
I don't mean to suggest that the ongoing tension, avoidance, hostility, etc. between the Joe's has stemmed solely from the fist fight. Clearly there is a complex backdrop of perceived slights and suppressed negative emotions that probably dates back decades, and links to familial dynamics (there's sibling rivalry, competition for parental affection, etc.).
But one piece of the feud that was thrust into the spotlight for the first time during last week's finale was the following: during the christening, but before the fist-fight, Joe Gorga had an extremely emotionally charged interaction with his father. He was screaming, he was crying (on the inside), he was as emotionally dysregulated as I could imagine him being and based on the content of his communication it seemed that he felt misunderstood and rejected by his father in a fundamental way.
This would, quite naturally and predictably, lead to anger. It's not fun to feel misunderstood and rejected by the one person you love the most and from whom you expect unconditional positive regard.
But the father is not a comfortable target for anger. He's always been an authoritarian figure, he's old, it goes against cultural norms, etc. But Joe Gorga has all this anger built up inside - it's got to go somewhere. And that's where the other Joe comes in. He's the perfect target - a natural rival (husband to Joe's sister).
So, instead of resolving his anger in an efficient, healthy manner - through an open, honest and direct exchange with his father - he does what a lot of us do, he rechannels his emotions toward an easier, more palatable target in the form of Joe Giudice.
This is called triangulation and is fairly common in dysfunctional families. Triangulation is when Person A has a conflict with Person B, but instead of resolving the dispute, Person A pulls Person C into the mix and experiences the short-term relief of avoiding the true conflict with the distraction of an easier conflict.
Now, I don't mean to suggest that Joe Giudice is an innocent victim who was just walking along, singing a song, before being sucked into a triangulation. It's clear that Joe Giudice does a lot of provocative things to Joe Gorga, and it was more than clear that the former poured fuel on the fire once he was triangulated. But what triangulation does suggest is that Joe Gorga will be unhappy until he resolves the real dispute, and that his perception of Joe Giudice is unfairly colored by unjustified negative emotions.
So, the big feud that took center stage this season can really be thought of as two head-strong, impulsive, and psychologically immature individuals taking whacks at each other, due to a trigger that involved one guy displacing his anger during a christening, thereby 'kicking the dog,' and, it just so happens that the dog that was kicked was an angry pit bull.
