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The Housewives of NJ: Resolving Role Transitions and Disputes
Putting the housewives on the couch
Posted August 9, 2011
The Housewives of New Jersey, a reality television show that follows four high society families (namely the housewives), has historically been rich with interpersonal conflict and dysfunction. The third season has been no exception to this rule. One of the most interesting (though not the most explosive) conflicts has occurred between Jacqueline-Chris and their daughter Ashley.
It's one of those slowly simmering fights that stretches out over time, never quite getting resolved and sporadically rearing its ugly head in order to produce repetitive fights (exchanges that directly touch upon the topic) and fueling the fire of other fights (exchanges about unrelated topics that would have been resolved easily if not for the lingering resentment of this other thing).
A basic understanding of the conflict is as follows: Ashley is now 20 years old. She continues to be financially (and, as I'll suggest, emotionally) dependent on Jacqueline and (mainly) Chris. The core issue is that Jacqueline and Chris want Ashley to separate, individuate, be more autonomous, etc. Their stated desire is that they want their now-adult aged daughter to engage in an adult life, which means constructing short-term goals like holding down a job, paying her own way, acting responsibly, respecting limits, expressing gratitude for that which she is given, and developing the confidence, efficacy and skill set to do all of this competently.
The core issue has escalated into a conflict because Ashley continues to, well, not pursue these goals competently (that's putting it nicely). The exact reason for this is unclear, though it's probably some combination of not wanting to grow up and not knowing how to grow up.
We are now in the arena of what is termed role disputes and role transitions.
Interpersonal Psychotherapy is a prime example of a therapeutic approach that specializes in such processes - and could be of help to Chris, Jacqueline and Ashley. It is a short-term, empirically-supported treatment that provides a variety of strategies and goals designed to resolve such disputes and manage such transitions (this treatment is specifically targeted toward individuals suffering depression, not families suffering unhealthy dynamics, but I believe the approach can be quite applicable here).
Role disputes and transitions are indeed central to this conflict, but this facet of the confrontation has gone unarticulated on the show (as is often the case with people embroiled in a conflict). The role transition is straightforward enough - Ashley is transitioning from adolescence into adulthood, from a dependent child who automatically received gifts to an autonomous adult who automatically is expected to earn that which she used to get for free. Some people struggle to exhibit the internal resources needed to seamlessly adjust to such a transition. Moreover, difficulties can be compounded by an environment that does not adequately prepare one for such an occasion. Ashley is clearly a member of this unfortunate subgroup. Thus, she could use some help managing the transition.
Role Transition
A therapist that practices an Interpersonal Psychotherapy (ITP) approach might consult in the following way: Ashley would be alerted to the true causes of her distress. If I were to speculate I'd say that Ashley is angry with her parents (i.e. perceives them as critical, demanding, and abandoning), resentful about what is now being asked of her, and fearful and worried about pursuing independence (i.e. perceives herself as unable to cope and excel). This would map nicely onto the role transition goals of ITP, namely mourning and accepting loss of the old role (i.e. an entitled teenager), and building a more positive view of and sense of mastery about the new role (i.e. an independent adult).
The strategies outlined to achieve these goals are to: a. clarify that Ashley's distress stems from this role transition (Ashley likely perceives her distress as stemming from her parents' negative behaviors and attitudes) b. review positive and negative aspects of both the old and new roles c. encourage and explore the feelings related to what has been lost as well as the change itself (a deceivingly critical step) d. identify opportunities in the new role.
In other words, Ashley would be much more likely to "grow up," (i.e. be less distressed, have a better relationship with her parents, take steps to be autonomous, etc.) if the therapist (and eventually Chris and Jacqueline did the following: validate, rationally review, explore, and problem-solve.
Ashley would benefit from a clear and sympathetic description of just how scary and jarring it feels to rely on oneself for the first time in life. A review of the pro's and con's of her upbringing (i.e. I got a car just for having a birthday, I never had to cook my meals, but I had to abide by certain preconceived rules and limits etc.) as well as her present/future (i.e. job hunting is a lot of work for little return, interviews are anxiety-provoking but earning my own money liberates me from curfew's and provides a sense of satisfaction about myself, etc.) might also help. Ashley would also be guided through a process of mourning the loss of an easy life, and embracing the fears of responsibility (actually sit with and notice the physical sensations and thoughts that accompany each wave of emotion so that she could get better at recognizing and tolerating the emotions as well as using them to approach rather than avoid important challenges - channel anxiety into preparing for an interview rather than canceling it). Lastly, Ashley's strengths and the ways in which those strengths can be utilized and fostered could be highlighted (i.e. promoting her artistic talents is a promising start).
Role Dispute
Now, there's a second piece to all this that also can be addressed by ITP - the role dispute. This might be mostly vividly understood from the parents' perspective. The easy part here is that there are a million disputes that have surfaced due to the same core issue (Ashley's role transition). During a recent episode, Jacqueline and Chris (mostly Chris) experienced a conflict with Ashley related to the purchase of a new car. Ashley wanted a car. More specifically, she wanted Chris to buy her a car. There were various reasons for this, some good (i.e. now I can get to work on time), and some not so good (i.e. I deserve a new car just for being me). The deal was that Ashley and Chris would split the car payments and if Ashley failed to stick to this then she would lose the car. Chris thought this was fair, Ashley didn't, and they predictably disputed.
The first goal in ITP's management of role disputes is to identify the dispute (duh). In this case, the dispute is related to their car payment plan. The second is to determine the stage of the dispute - can the dispute be readily resolved once everyone takes a deep breath and calms down? Is this one of those fights where everyone has withdrawn into stony silence and now a fire needs to be lit under their butts to facilitate a confrontation? Or, is this an irreconcilable difference that can only be resolved through dissolution of the relationship? These three questions map onto the stages of renegotiation, impasse and dissolution, and I would venture to guess that Chris and Ashley simply need to renegotiate.
The strategies used to achieve the aforementioned goals revolve around a series of pragmatic problem-solving inquiries. In other words, the parents would receive peace, and the conflict would get resolved if a therapist (and eventually the parents) were to do the following: Calmly identify the issues (i.e. the parents are asserting their financial limits with Ashley, and Ashley is struggling to accept the new family approach to car purchases), and cite the differences in expectations and values. This second strategy is particularly key and relates directly to the role transition. Chris and Jacqueline now expect Ashley to be more independent and responsible, as they are advocating a value of self-sufficiency. Ashley needs to understand and appreciate this value, and pair a validating response with her own request to meet her personal needs (i.e. I am not ready to pay for a car on my own because I only work part-time, etc.).
Next, additional options and alternative to the status quo can be considered. For instance, Ashley seems to react aversively to the idea of sharing the car with Chris (and perhaps being teased by him as well). Is there a way of holding Ashley accountable for the car payments without bruising her ego (doubtful, Ashley seems exceedingly sensitive to rejection)? Lastly, unspoken assumptions need to be articulated and maladaptive functions inherent in the behaviors being challenged need to be appreciated. That's a mouthful, my apologies. What I mean by that is, for instance, Ashley's resistance to sharing the car payments seems related to limit setting. Ashley is not accustomed to being told "No," or "there will be consequences if you don't hold up your end of the bargain." She has difficulty respecting Chris' reasonable limit-setting (you need to pay for half of this or else), because she has a childhood's worth of getting what she wanted if she stomped her feet loud enough (i.e. the likely result of inconsistent, indulgent parenting on Jacqueline's behalf, and a difficult-to-parent temperament within Ashley).
The other problematic component to all this, which Chris has begun to confront quite effectively, is that Ashley seems to associate affection and love with gifts. This is not a healthy pattern. The therapist (but better yet, the parents) can help Ashley to understand that materialism does not equate to love, and affection can be communicated in other ways, such as holding firm to a limit, which, if internalized, will help Ashley to live a much healthier and happier life.
In any event, Housewives of NJ is an entertaining show rife with conflicts, and Interpersonal Psychotherapy represents one of the many useful ways in which interpersonal friction can be smoothed out.
