There are few repetitive and discouraging relationship interactions that are as damaging as those between a partner who keeps pushing for unmet needs and the other who feels inadequate to fulfill them.
As a relationship therapist for more than four decades, I am sad to report that these unsuccessful interaction patterns are far too common, even in otherwise still successful relationships. They aren't likely to happen at the beginning of an intimate relationship but become more destructive as specific unequal needs increase. As the relationship progresses, the partner whose desires are greater than the other in any area of the relationship begins to push for more satisfaction as the other makes empty promises he or she cannot keep.
As the gap widens between need and availability, both partners initially try to compensate. Independent of gender, one may try to pull back on unreciprocated needs and the other will try harder to meet the lesser demand. Over time, that solution does not heal the difference, causing both to feel helpless and frustrated.
Unable to escape their pattern and both saddened and uncomfortable with the situation they have created, they enter couple's therapy because they want help. Who would want to be described as a serial complainer, self-pitying, and begging? Conversely, who would want to feel inadequate and consistently cover that feeling by making in-the-moment promises they can't keep?
Despite their sincere desires to stop their negative interactions, they can't seem to stop once the downward spiral has begun. The nagger/complainers feel powerless to get what they need and to continue believing in the relationship, and the passive/aggressive promise-breakers no longer have credibility.
In specific situations, it is usually one partner that becomes the nagger/complainer and the other the passive/aggressive promise-breaker, but they may also switch roles depending on the situation. Regardless of who is tagged at any one time, these repetitive patterns are never just one partner's fault. The nagger/complainer is the more obvious partner to identify, but one-sided blame will not take the relationship to a better place. Whichever roles they play, partners who are ready to take accountability for their own behaviors is the first step to healing.
Whether you are more often the nagger/complainer or the passive/aggressive promise-breaker, you can help each other stop perpetuating these negative interactions.
When You Are the Nagger/Complainer
Begging someone to meet your needs is painful for anyone. As you nag and complain, you'll feel your anxiety building as your partner seems resentful and unavailable, even if he or she is patronizing you in the moment. When you begin sinking into these painful interactions, your emotional and physical tension will increase and your hopes for success will away. Whatever capability either of you once may have had to help the other will give way to your personal need to survive the interaction.
Nagger/complainers are often able to stop their counter-productive behaviors when they feel genuinely listened to, treated with truth and authenticity, and given clear boundaries as to what to expect. If they are patronized, put-off, or continually face broken promises, they push harder and become locked-in to ineffective, self-rationalizing behaviors.
Unfortunately, their promise-breaking partners often feel guilty and blamed as they fall more into arrears, and justify withholding the compassion their partner needs. As this sorrowful pattern continues, the dismissed partner often becomes more demanding, creating a greater justification for avoidance by the other. These responses lead to irrational reasoning that negates what they once deemed as their entitlement in a loving relationship.
When You Are the Passive/Aggressive Partner
If your role in any repetitive interaction is the passive/aggressive promise breaker, you may have become a seasoned conflict avoider, not realizing you are creating the very conflicts you can't bear. You may even feel like prey on the other end of a predator, agreeing to what your partner demands in the moment, but knowing deep inside that you are probably not going to come through later. You may also find that you're having more difficulty setting clear boundaries, especially if you have conflicting desires.
Passive/Aggressive promise-breakers sincerely intend to keep their promises, but don't accurately evaluate whether they might be able to feel the same way later. They tend to overload their commitments and then feel too guilty to take responsibility for their eventual priorities. They don't want to disappoint anyone and dislike conflict. If their partners continue to press for promise-keeping, they may then blame their partners for wanting too much, using their building resentment as justification.
When partners continue in these hopeless reciprocal patterns, they feel powerless and disappointed in love's ability to heal. Those responses hurt the soul and discourage the heart of their relationship. To stop the negative interactions and replace them with an upward spiral of mutual support, they must both replace them with an upward spiral of mutual understanding and support. The Nagger/Complainers can learn to stop themselves as they lose ground and move to a different process. The Passive/Aggressive partners can learn to know their capabilities and present themselves more honestly from the beginning.
Here are two examples: The first is a negative go-nowhere dialogue between a chronic whiner/nagger and her passive/aggressive partner. The second is between two partners who have overcome those patterns and have moved beyond them. Note that the genders are reversed to show that these roles can be played by both men and women.
Example One:
Nora (Nagger/Complainer): "You're never around anymore, Joe. You always have something to do that's more important than being with me. I feel like I ask and ask, and nothing I do makes any difference. Why don't you care about me anymore? You treat me like I'm going to devour you or something. I feel like a burden."
Joe (Passive/Aggressive Defender): "I try to give you time, babe. I really do. I'm sorry it's not enough and I'll try to do better. Please don't be mad at me. I never want to disappoint you, but other stuff comes up that I can't always predict. I know I mess up sometimes but it's not always my fault, you know. Maybe you could remind me more or something so I won't forget."
Nora: "There you go again, putting all the responsibility on me. Then you'll just say I'm nagging you more. You know that doesn't work. I've tried everything. Why don't you just tell me you're not going to do what you say? I don't ask that much, Joe, and you even admit that. You make me feel like a fool, begging for what I need from you. I look like an idiot while you sit there so smug, thinking you're the greatest person on earth. If I don't ask for anything, you do nothing. If I ask for something, you do nothing."
Joe (starting to show his underlying resentment): "Okay. Okay. So you're right. So it's my fault that I can't keep track of all your demands. I'm the one who has to try harder to please you so you won't have all these reasons to find fault. It seems like you get off on finding fault with me. So I mess up sometimes and don't come through for you? Have you ever thought that you just ask for too much? I'll just try harder, but I know you're watching my every move to set me up to prove how right you are."
Nora: "I give up."
Example Two:
Joe: "Hey, Nora. Come sit on the couch with me and watch the game. Those things can wait."
Nora: "Sure, sweetheart. I want to, but I'll be there in just a minute, honey. Just have a couple of chores to do first."
Joe: "That feels too familiar. If I don't remind you ten times, you're going to keep doing what you want to do. Then you'll tell me that I'm pushy and don't understand, right?"
Nora: "No, no. I really mean it this time. You ask me things without paying attention to what I'm already doing. I might not come right at the time you ask, but you need to be more patient. I have other things that are important to me, too.
Joe: "That's your typical excuse, babe, but I know your patterns. Please listen to me. I want you with me now. There can't be anything more important. I want you with me."
Nora: "Okay. I'll drop the long list. Just let me call my mom back and tell her about the changes tomorrow and put that load in the dryer. Then I'll be right there."
