I define infidelity as a clandestine, intimate relationship outside of the committed relationship that may or may not include sex, but can potentially damage the existing relationship were it to be known. That definition is currently under attack by the media, Internet, movies, and other forms of influential communication, which show constant examples of a more range of deceptive relationships. The message is clear: maybe fidelity isn't the norm and society should be finding ways to tolerate it better.

That concept could become a game changer for some couples struggling to understand what might be in store for them were they to accept this concept. Though new lovers know intrinsically that breaking trust between them could be a deal breaker, they can simultaneously wonder if fidelity is possible, or even likely, in a long-term relationship. And, if it's not, how do they balance not wanting to leave their current relationship, but not wanting to betray their partners?

Whether I'm dealing with a couple newly in love, or one questioning how to rejuvenate their sexual connection, or another who may be attempting to reconcile when trust is broken, I am able to tell them that fidelity is still the choice for many committed partners, and my experience is that they operate differently with each other to keep that agreement.

Fifty percent of committed partners stay faithful to each other. Though they may be bombarded by the same influences that seduce others away, they intentionally resist them. I have found these partners, and the relationships they build together, important to represent, especially now. I am especially interested, in light of the new social mores that would be more likely to encourage, or even forgive them, if they did.  

The partners I've studied are not in obligatory, boring relationships, but understand what it takes to maintain honesty and openness with their partners. Committed partners aren't unfaithful because they don't want their relationship to end for any reason. They know that deceit, betrayal, and disrespect are negative risks that are likely to damage relationships, and they value their partners too much to take the chance of losing them.  They do not act out of obligation to their partners nor feel deprived of what they can't have. Their commitments and actions are based on preference, not entrapment.

I have observed and noted these partners and their relationships over many years. For those couples who want to stay faithful, I can tell my struggling couples what to reach for in their relationships that will make them less likely to make potentially regrettable decisions.

If you and your partner have chosen the path of faithful intimacy, the following twelve characteristics may help you hold that commitment to each other. The dialogues that follow are representative of actual interactions I've observed over the years. They may seem unusually ideal, but they do happen.

The Characteristics of Partners Who Stay Faithful

"We" versus "Me"

Imagine two people in animated conversation on an airplane. The man in question starts every sentence with "I" and is clearly stating the experiences of a single person. The woman he is speaking to is fascinated by these interesting escapades and inwardly wonders what it's like to live life without having to be concerned about a partner.

As the time to be together comes to an end, the listener asks a reasonable question: "You certainly have had a lot of interesting, independent experiences. Is it easier to do that when you're not concerned about a partner?"

The presumed single person seems suddenly uneasy and hesitates. "Oh, I'm actually in a committed relationship. I've been with the same woman for five years. We both travel a lot, but we're good when we're together."

If that's close to what you heard, you're probably looking at someone whose personal interests take precedence over the collective "we." People who are proud of the fact that they are taken will generally reveal their lack of availability early on.

"We" is a state of mind and heart. It means that wherever one partner is, the other is present in their thoughts. Partners who consider themselves a "we" act that way. When you talk to partners who live with and in the heart of their beloved, you experience that commitment in every way they present themselves.  They communicate a pride in belonging to their partner. It's a powerful feeling of "us" over anyone or anything else.

Non-defensive, Intimate Communication

The partners who don't cheat are able to talk to each other about subjects most couples would be afraid to approach. I've gained great admiration for the ease with which they approach touchy situations.

"Honey, what do you think about my breasts looking a little small since I lost that weight? Do you feel disappointed when you see me naked?"

"I've been having a little trouble staying up long enough the last couple of weeks. I'm not sure what it means and I'm a little worried."

They trust each other with these vulnerable fears and conflicts, especially if they feel they might threaten the relationship. Even if some of those internal battles are embarrassing, reveal too much, or could leave the sharing partner vulnerable to later questioning, these partners choose to be honest even when it may cause temporary stress on their relationship.

Partners who share at that level of trust are committed to truth above comfort. They will share whatever they know could affect their partners without overreacting or taking things personally. All committed partners have temptations and desires that could threaten the relationship if acted upon. Successful partners understand those conflicts, and still honor their relationship agreements.

They know that being able to share intimate feelings will help them to diffuse their importance and head off potential dangers. They use whatever discomfort those vulnerable discussions create to strengthen their trust. It may be very hard to hear that one partner enjoys porn, is fearful of loss, or is feeling less connected, but it could be worse if those experiences were not shared.

Faithful partners are willing to risk expressing their thoughts and welcome their partner's authentic responses. They care about each other enough to want the truth rather than to be indulged in any fantasies and truly want their mates to find fulfillment in their lives. They also use every skill they can acquire to keep their relationship current, mutually respectful, and real.

Committed partners love without possession. If one of them must leave the relationship to find a greater fulfillment elsewhere, the other would never use obligation, guilt, or coercion to hold onto the relationship. The irony of this kind of love is that people rarely want to give it up.

Example:

"Before Todd and I met, I know I never shared my most vulnerable and embarrassing feelings with anyone. I could certainly share my anger and disappointments, but never things I thought guys would think were too stupid, self-indulgent, or threatening.

Todd was different from the beginning. He'd suffered two alcoholic parents, brutal beatings by an older brother, and financial ruin from a best friend who took everything and disappeared. Yet, he'd always try to look at the lessons he'd learned and never complained on why he had to endure them.