Through these magical communication devices, young people can acquire either bogus or objective knowledge without the guidance of a church, synagogue, or parent, often amassing information unknown to those responsible for their well-being. Techno-teens are at once savvy and terribly naïve. Sadly, many of their parents are woefully uneducated about this new world in which their kids spend most of their time. Because there is no such thing as personal privacy once anything is published, these young people are constantly subjected to having deepest and darkest secrets posted forever for anyone to see.

I've worked with hundreds of teen-agers throughout my forty-year career as a therapist. Life for them isn't easy. They are neither children nor adults, and live every day without the protection of childhood or the status of adulthood. Their emotional brain pathways are developed by the time they are fourteen, but the "choice-option", the long-term decision making" synaptic connections, are not fully mature until they are well into their early twenties. That leaves four vulnerable and potentially dangerous years where they are driven by hormones and passion but have not yet develop the discernment they need to make good long-term decisions.

They are my favorite people to work with. Their passionate responses to life may change from moment to moment but they are genuine and authentic. I care for them and grieve for them. In so many ways they can never be children again, and do not yet know what adults they will turn out to be. Many of them have lost faith in the heroes they once worshipped and do not trust those who do not speak their new language.

Parents who want to understand, love, and guide them must not only recognize and respect this never-known-before gap between themselves and their teens; they must learn to think and speak this new technology. Otherwise, they are likely to be seen as technical dinosaurs, relegated to a dimension that no longer exists in their teen's world.

Meaningful traditions are still important to kids, and so are fads, friendships, and the insecurities of young love. They still want to be known, understood, and forgiven for their self-serving expectations. They still wonder what makes life worth living, and what challenges they must ultimately face. They have been thrust into new vistas that most of their parents cannot see or understand.

If you are confused by your teenager's behaviors, as so many parents are, the following ways of interacting with them may help. Though I have garnered these tried-and-true methods from hundreds of hours with teens, these are still only suggestions. These are your kids, and you must ultimately trust your own heart.

Communication

Kids hate "trap" questions

Don't ask a question you already know the answer to, as if you don't. They tell me how much they hate these manipulative questions, and will resent your pretending to be innocently inquiring when you already know the answer. They will not only black out the indirect lesson you're trying to teach, but will come up with cleverly distracting answers to intentionally confuse you. For instance, if you know your kids are lying about where they've been, don't slyly try to corner them. It's always better to be up front with the truth as you know it.

Example

What isn't likely as likely to help:

"Did you and Molly have fun at the sleepover at her house last night? I'm sure her parents were checking up on you regularly, right? I hear that some kids pretend they're at someone's house but go other places, but you wouldn't do that, would you, honey?"

What is more effective:

"Honey, I heard that you left Molly's and went to a party. Some of your friends called me and told me you were drinking. You threw up on the floor in Molly's bathroom later and you told her mom were probably getting the flu. I'm concerned that you might not remember what happened and could have been hurt. Can we talk about it now, or would you rather wait until tonight? We'll have to come up with some way to handle this together, but I'd rather wait until you feel better before we come up with the answers."

Unsolicited advice

Try to refrain from offering suggestions or asking too many questions in a row. It's better to be straight than to sermonize. Teens often tell me that their parents never stop preaching, hovering, and advising. It is true that many kids forget and need to be reminded multiple times, even about things they really want to remember, but preaching often backfires and teaches hostile dependency rather than healthy independence. There are better ways of communicating your anxiety about their seemingly space-cadet behavior. Ask them what they need and what they think will work for them.

Try to refrain from mentioning stories about when you were a kid and how you handled things. Especially watch for eye-rolling. It's a sure sign that your child is discounting what you're saying.

Example

What isn't likely to help:

"You need to remember to bring that book tomorrow. You've been late on assignments with that teacher too many times, and you're going to regret it someday. Maybe you could put a note on your mirror or something, or I can remind you when we leave the house. You are in a dream world these days, and you can't seem to remember what's important."

What is more effective:

"I know you've felt terrible when your teacher chewed you out in front of the class for forgetting your homework. I don't want to nag you, but I'm here to help if you want me to. Maybe you can come up with your own idea of how it would work, and then just tell me what you need. I'd be glad to take orders if you think it would solve the problem. I realize that you have to work this out on your own, but I'm available if you need me."

Urgency for resolution

Parents often move too quickly into solving a situation without getting all the information they need to make a better decision. Try to stay calm when you have to impose consequences. Kids can tell when you've already made up your mind and are just putting them through a pretend choice. If you urgently communicate your upset about the situation, your kids are more likely to argue or go silent just to get the lecture over with. They usually know when you've already made up your mind and are more interested in making them uncomfortable than helping resolve the situation. Even when you are feeling urgent inside, your patience in getting the whole picture will pay off.

Example

What isn't likely to help:

"Your teacher called me and told me that you're late on three assignments. I'm really disappointed that you told me everything was okay when it obviously wasn't. Your mother and I have discussed this and we both agree that you're grounded until all these back assignments are turned in. We're not going to tolerate your putting time with your friends ahead of school, and you're not making good choices. You obviously need more control."

What is more effective:

"I got a notice from your math teacher today that you're behind a little on your homework. He was really concerned and thinks a lot of you. I was really glad he called early enough for us to still get you back on track. Can you tell me what's going on, honey? I know you're usually responsible about these things. I don't want to impose consequences if I'm missing information that could change the situation."