More than likely, the harder you tried to love them, the more strongly they held on to their unhappiness. You may have been determined to love them, but eventually got tired of carrying those cheerleading pom-poms. Sadly, when you finally did give up, your cynical partners have added one more reason to their expectations of relationship failures.

To recognize a resolutely bitter person early on, listen for statements like these:

"I don't really expect much out of relationships anymore. They seem to start out okay, but eventually something always happens to trip them up. Haven't you found the same disappointments?"

"Let's face it, when the hot sex quiets down, your partner is bound to be unhappy with you. They always start out supportive, but eventually find fault when you don't live up to all their expectations."

"I don't think people are really meant to be together for a long time. The bad stuff adds up, and the good stuff can't compete. I don't know one great relationship that makes it through the rapids. Mine certainly haven't, and I don't expect them to anymore."

If you are attracted to these tragically sorrowful people and are just naturally compassionate, you may be tempted to try to help them, especially if they have other attractive qualities. Be especially careful if that person tells you that you're different from all their past lovers, even possibly the one person who could understand them. If you believe that story, know that it will be a zero tolerance test. Your partner has been disappointed many times in the past, and is hoping against hope that your love will overcome their fears. If you question their repeatedly returning to their cynical viewpoint, they may accuse you of no longer caring, just like everyone before you.

How is Bitterness Created?

No one is born bitter. It is a learned attitude, most often from pessimistic, cynical, or hopeless caregivers. Sadly, small children are the most effected by consistent negative messages like these:

"Don't count on anything and you won't be disappointed."

"No one deserves anything good. Maybe you'll be lucky and maybe you won't."

"No one is really happy. Don't even think about it."

"Happiness doesn't last. There is always going to be something bad in your life."

"Life is hard. That's the way it's supposed to be. Why should you be any luckier?"

"Why do you think you deserve love? It's not automatic, you know, and more likely to go away than stick around."

Hope is a natural way to envision a future that is better than the present. Despair diminishes hope, and instead sees a life of continued suffering. Every person needs to know that they have some control over that process. The absence of possibility can cause despondency, defeat, and hopelessness. If children are instead given messages that hope is always possible, they can reach beyond disappointments and seek fulfillment even when their lives are hard.

Some people are more internally resilient than others. Despite having more heartaches than most, they can still maintain hope. But most are not so fortunate. The continuous crushing of dreams, or a lifetime of repeated failures, can push anyone down.

When people experience loss after loss, they may unconsciously create behavior patterns that sabotage new options. The natural result of too many broken dreams or unfulfilled expectations is a lessened willingness to try again. They now see successful love relationships as an impossible realization.

Different Kinds of Bitterness

Bitterness can be expressed in many ways, but the following five are the most common. Unfortunately, they are not mutually exclusive.

Ø  Bitterness handed down trans-generationally

Ø  Bitterness from depression or other organic causes

Ø  Bitterness from broken promises and lost dreams

Ø  Bitterness that results from unrealistic expectations

Ø  Bitterness from trauma, neglect, or abuse

Trans-generational Bitterness

Pessimistic attitudes can be passed down through generations, even when the original reasons for cynicism no longer exist. Unfair discrimination, blocked access to new ways of life, or attachment to restrictive traditions, can keep families from believing that change is a viable option. They feel that keeping their children hardened to vulnerability and low in expectations will protect them from unpredictable pain. They toughen their family members early, never allowing them to hope or dream beyond what is readily available. If any of their children aspire beyond those limitations, or attach themselves to optimistic outsiders, those children may be threatened with punishment or exile.

Some cultures treasure their cynicism as part of their lore. They feel that passion and loss are one, and that despondency is part of life. You will find bitterness and cynicism hard to release if it has always been a part of your culture. That will be especially true if you have chosen a partner who does not have the same background.

Depression or other Organic Causes

A genetic predisposition to depression can make the most hopeful of situations appear bleak and untrustworthy. Unlike grief, which has a specific loss to endure and permits hope, clinical depression feels more like an open-ended prison sentence without chance of parole. Sleep eludes, appetite wobbles, self-esteem is non-existent, and energy for life wanes. Those suffering from depression may have difficulties managing sleep and appetite, have no energy for life, and feel inadequate and undeserving. For them, life becomes a continuous ground hog day of limited and unsatisfying experiences.

They can feel hopeful at the beginning of a relationship because new experiences create brain chemicals that offset depression for a while. With positive qualities to offer, they can attract rescuers who can temporarily undo their negative attitude. Eventually the depression will re-emerge, making them likely to defeat their partner and end up alone again. Cynicism that results from innate depression can be treated. Once the depression abates, they must then challenge the habits they believed were intractable.

Genetic abnormalities that lower serotonin and dopamine levels are sometimes the basis for depression. Chronic illness also can cheat people of life's beauty. It may destroy hope, and cause heartbreaking results, such as lost relationships, financial ruin, or physical incapacities. Some people find ways to rise above these unwanted trials, and still create new options for whatever is still possible. Others find solace in their legitimate reasons for hopelessness, and cannot change their expectations.

Depressed people can always be helped by a loving and concerned support network but, unless they are willing to receive that assistance, even well-intended friends and lovers will eventually give up.

Broken Promises and Lost Dreams

In every stage of life, many people weave their experiences into their dream of an ideal romantic relationship. Children absorb from their parents and other adults. Young people join social networks, text continuously, watch TV, attend movies and concerts, and create the person they feel they might be able to love forever. Throughout all of their lives, people seek to find that perfect person, that ever-lasting love.