As they get to know each other and that rate of new discovery slows, the partners become more concerned about the relationship's future. One or both partners limit any threatening personal transformations and reward each other instead for predictable interactions. They become partners who strive to accept each other's limitations rather than challenge them. Their initial explorations into unknown territory fall into sleep mode as the partners let the past define the future, and see those chosen limitations as true and lasting love.

"I know I'll always love you the same as I do now."

"Don't ever change. You're perfect the way you are."

"We understand each other so completely that we don't even have to think about it anymore."

"I can predict everything he wants and be there for him."

"I just think of something I need, and she knows it before I tell her."

"We've created the ultimate love. Let's stay this way forever."

"We accept each other's faults completely. That's why we get along so well."

"We'll never allow anything to separate us."

These kinds of comments are what most romantic idealists would savor. Unfortunately, they maintain the trance state that can discourage further relationship growth. The partners saying them to each other believe that their familiarity and predictability more than compensates for the loss of the of excitement they once so avidly pursued. The intimacy of security has replaced the thrill of discovery, and made them vulnerable to losing the love they have created.

When people have given up challenge and discovery in exchange for security, they are in danger of investing less energy because the relationship does not demand it. Instead, the partners develop predictable verbal and physical rituals. As a result, they stop sharing any ideas that might threaten what they are protecting.

Too much predictability can lead to indifference. Over time, apathy can turn to exasperation, annoyance, and irritation. The security that once was their protective castle now becomes their prison. They have unwittingly become bored and boring to each other.

The couple often does not realize their problems stem from the boredom they have unwittingly created. Bickering over minimally offensive issues can grow into dramatic challenges. The couple may suspect that their presented complaints are not the real problem, but they are no longer able to understand what may be the underlying cause.

The real problem often turns out to be the discovery they have lost. They have accepted a life without emerging newness. Though mutually committed to life's external challenges, they have become uninterested in their relationship.

Why do Committed Partners Choose Security over Continued Discovery?

Security is sweet. The partners in established relationships are comfortable knowing what to expect and able to handle whatever situations evolve. The ordinary struggles of life are enough for the partners to combat together, and unexpected ones are uncomfortably challenging.

When I ask them why they chose security over discovery, they tell me that they appreciate the closeness and the lessened energy it requires. They are less anxious when they do not have to be constantly on their toes, waiting for the next challenge.

"I already know what he's going to say just by the way his face looks, and I'm usually right."

"She walks in the house and starts cleaning furiously. I know I'm in for it, but we'll work it out."

"She puts fresh sheets on the bed and the computer is turned off when I walk in the door. I know she wants to make love."

"He gets that silly grin on his face and I know he wants me to say yes to whatever is coming next."

"He's been late for the last three dates. I'll get flowers this afternoon."

"She's being really nice to me. That means her mother's coming to stay for a month."

Why New Lovers Give up the Excitement of Discovery

New lovers are devoted to continuous discovery. They explore each other's bodies, hearts, minds, and memories with excitement and intensity, searching for ever-new ways to join and intertwine. Each fresh discovery is stored and archived for future reference. They revel in their ability to second-guess whatever their partner's desires are, and feel deeply satisfied when they succeed. They do not see predictability as a precursor to boredom; they see it as a well-traveled path to mutual comfort.

Each partner is in constant transformation, alive and open to every new experience. Both are emotionally responsive, constantly sending messages of hope and approval. They share constantly moving and passionate emotional earthquakes, enjoying their constant surprises. They support each other's dreams, create new ones together, and become capable of things neither could do alone.

New lovers generate mutual aliveness together. Their innate love of the hunt combined with their lust-filled physical connections drives them into the deepest recesses of new experience. Their pupils dilate and their bodies tingle with adrenalin. They are just-outside-of-reach fascinating prey to each other, adding energy to every new discovery.

Along with their excitement of the hunt, the partners feel anxiety and insecurity. They are understandably concerned that their new connection will not hold its intensity. The more they fall in love, the more they fear the possible pain of the relationship's potential ending. That fear drives them away from risking new thoughts or behaviors, and pushes them to seek comfort and security instead.

The two desires, hunting/discovery and fear/insecurity begin to conflict. Before, the lovers reveled in the constant newness of their experiences. Now they want to know that their partners will love them forever. To ensure that outcome, both begin to hide thoughts, feelings, or actions that could drive their lovers away. They offer only what they believe will be accepted, and stop searching for any new knowledge that would risk their partner's rejection. The hunt is over and the partners are drawn into ritualized, predictable, and less interesting interactions.

How These Ritualized Couples Present in Therapy

Many committed couples find frustration in their counseling when they cannot seem to get to the core of their heartaches. Each time they resolve what they believe is the true problem, one or the other comes up with a new complaint. If boredom has become the underlying issue, it typically emerges in these disillusioning interactions.

The partners, unable to tolerate the hidden loss of passion, are often serial bickerers, fighting over seemingly useless, energy-draining issues. Their boredom has transformed into hostility, a pseudo-passion replacing any real intimacy. They are tired to examine their motivations or to find a way to do things differently, and they are no longer interested in each other's opinions or feelings. When asked for time or interest, they often respond in irritated come-backs.

"I know, I know. You just want more time to yourself, right? Don't mask it with some damn excuse."

"What do you want? I've got a lot on my plate."

"Why can't you understand how tired I am? You're never satisfied."

"I've told you a thousand times, I'm never going to go to some bullshit dance class with you. I'm not interested."

"Stop nagging me. Just write a list and I'll get to it when I can."

"If you want something, tell me. I can't read your mind."

"I don't care why you did it, I still don't like it. Either change your behavior or stop wanting me to like it. Okay?"