Rediscovering Love

How to identify behaviors that undermine love—and how to avoid drifting apart

by Randi Gunther, Ph.D.

The Mysteries of Implausible Relationships

Some relationships seem doomed for disaster, yet, despite the odds, the partners are intensely and magnetically attracted to each other. Many of these seemingly unlikely lovers cannot tell me why they choose to stay together. They know they are paying a high price, but something intangible keeps their relationship alive. Read More

A Hundred Shades of Grey: Are Sexual Submission and Gender Equality Mutually Exclusive?

E.L. James’ new bestseller, “Fifty Shades of Grey”, speaks about women’s secret longing to be sexually dominated by a powerful and controlling man. Read More

Act Three: The Great Finale of Life

My colleagues and I are excited about the new research that our brains can be re-mapped for the rest of our lives. It’s a whole different ball game to think that, as we age, it isn’t about being on the down side any more, but knowing that we can keep the momentum of living a fulfilled life all the way to its end. Read More

Hunter or Gatherer?—Exploring Your Sexual Approach Style

My patients today are remarkably sophisticated about their relationship issues and are searching for any new information that could help them be more successful. They read self-help books, subscribe to all the right magazines, watch the relevant TV shows, subscribe to dating services, and seek advice from friends and counselors. Read More

Match.Who? Crucial Aspects of a Potential Partner That Are Hard to Know From Dating Profiles

Now that Internet dating has become an accepted way to find otherwise elusive partners, users are increasingly turning to professional "sorters" to help them create, and find, authentic and intriguing offerings. Read More

Nagging or Avoiding Won't Help You Find Love Again

There are few repetitive and discouraging relationship interactions that are as damaging as those between a partner who keeps pushing for unmet needs and the other who feels inadequate to fulfill them. Read More

Cougars? How About "Sought After Mature Women?"

The media hype about older women seeking out young men for sexual contact has about worn me down. As a relationship therapist for four decades, I have certainly defended many unfairly labeled "dirty old men," who were just guys who fell in love with younger women for their beauty, energy, and potential for having children. Read More

Promise Keepers - The Committed Partners Who Stay Faithful to Each Other

As a relationship therapist for four decades, I have been called upon to intervene in hundreds of cases involving infidelity. A large percentage of couples seeking counseling do so because one or the other partner has strayed. Read More

Bionic Teens - Effective Communication Techniques

Modern technology has changed parenting forever. Your teens today use their new phones and computers as multi-leveled, multi-faceted thinking machines intertwined with their biological brains. This mysterious alchemy has produced a language unlike anything the world has ever known. Read More

Bitterness: Love's Poison

Of all the barriers that discourage committing to a new lover, the wall of bitterness is the most deadly. There is no greater warning sign to a potential relationship than cynicism about the past. Those black clouds signal the presence of a failure-demon, who lies in wait for the first time you do not meet his or her expectations. Read More

Who Are The "Keepers?" The Behaviors of Successful Long-Term Partners

Many long-term relationship seekers have failed to find their ideal partners despite sincere and intense efforts. They have read dozens of self-help books and Internet articles, watched dating videos, and sought competent therapists to help them. They have learned every phase of finding the right person, correcting their own dysfunctional behavior, and keeping competitive in the dating market. Read More

Hostile Venting - Mean Phrases that Scar Intimate Relationships

New lovers carefully watch their word choices even when they argue. They don't want to say anything that could deeply wound or distance their partners, and watch each other closely for signs of distress. They treasure their closeness and cannot bear being at odds for long. Read More

What Causes Boredom in Intimate Relationshipss?

In every phase of life, and in every new situation, each person must continuously choose between security and predictability on the one hand, and the hunger for adventure and challenge on the other. If individuals have too much security, they can fall prey to a deadly trance of comfortable monotony that dulls the mind and kills the spirit. Read More

What Happened To Courtship and Pillow Talk? The Loss of Romantic Sexuality

Today's mass media sanctions and supports lust-driven sex oriented towards fantasy, arousal, and orgasm. My single daters constantly ask me on which date they should expect sex to happen, relying on their physical responses for successful sexual contact. Their goal is to make that single physical focus work first, and then worry about what kind of relationship may or may not evolve. Read More

When Should I Have Told You? Negative Surprises that Hurt Relationships

One of the most difficult dilemmas people face in the dating world is when to tell potential partners something that could scare them away. They hope that embarrassing histories might fare better when they've had a chance to secure a stronger footing first. Read More

Speaking Before You Think: Foot-In-Mouth Syndrome in Committed Relationships

Committed couples regularly say negative things to each other that they wouldn't say to anyone else. Without apparent forethought, they casually communicate critical comments they would never have uttered when their love was new. Read More

Should I Date This Person Again? First-Date Behaviors That Predict Relationship Success

Many of my patients have asked me why some relationships just seem to work, and others do not. They often invest a significant amount of time with a new person only to find out later that it has been in vain. They wish they had known how to have predicted that outcome early on. Read More

Selling Out: Compromising Integrity in Intimate Relationships

All partners in successful intimate relationships know how to compromise when negotiating each others needs. They fully expect to give up some things and strive for fairness in those decisions. Read More

Unequal Appetites

How many arguments have you had with the person you love the most that center around wanting more of something than your partner does? Whether it's affection, sex, vacations, social engagements, material possessions, or just plain alone time, you have probably wasted many hours embroiled in these frustrating conflicts. Read More

Can Love Survive in the Age of Technology?

As a relationship therapist with forty years of experience, I am both fascinated and concerned about technology's potential to outpace the success of intimate relationships. If we are constantly seduced into procuring the latest innovations in ever-more-amazing technological gagetry, how can we not want the same continuous novelty in our personal relationships? Read More

Can text messages damage intimate communication?

In the last few years I have observed my patients struggling harder to understand each others vulnerable feelings. They seem less able to spontaneously identify what their lovers need, and much more likely to misunderstand each other. Read More

Is Your Relationship Thriving or Just Surviving?

There are many ways to check out how your intimate relationship is doing but the following eight areas are the most important markers. If you and your partner go through them carefully, you'll end up with an informative and concise evaluation of where your relationship stands. Read More