The mail has been coming in about my last blog and the potential conflicts that arise in marriages among those individuals with ADD or ADHD and their spouses (or significant others), so I am committing myself to another self examination for possible insight for these and other issues. In this blog I am not focusing on the frustrations in inattentive behavior, but more on the compensation techniques we use for the occasional blunders in the nurturance of a relationship.
It may come as no surprise that we are fully aware that we can be distracted easily from important conversations and required duties around the house. As a rule, individuals with the diagnoses of ADD are at least average intelligence and do not have hearing losses more than the average person. And I may be as guilty as anyone else when I confess that I may be thinking of something more important (to me) than what my wife is saying about the leaky faucet or what person got voted off American Idol last night. It is a natural process that anyone has their own attention priorities and this in itself may create serious conflict in values. After all, what is more important than who won the heavy-weight boxing match, especially if you had fifty bucks on the outcome. Or another fight-to-be-avoided is when you are trying to find some justification in the family budget to go to Los Vegas for vacation. Sometimes it is easier to use the label of "inattention disorder" as a cover-up for family harmony, and just look surprised when we get caught without a good answer to the question we were just asked. We can be smart that way.
But there are other times we just get wrapped up in the static in our brains. For example, if my wife asked me where the car keys are, I will have at least 20 thoughts go through my head (I counted them) before I can answer and that is when I actually know where they are. During that split second I can process what the NASCAR has to say about cars in the last race, what coffee does to your brain in times like this, what my mother used to tell me about car keys, where to get a good car wash, and the color of my first girl-friend's shoes when we went on a picnic 40 years ago. Don't ask me how that last one got in there, but needless to say, psychoanalysis might answer that one day but not good for the current crisis, "Where are the car keys for the third time?"
I might get some hate mail for revealing the fact that we do know we have some issues with our lack of concentration, and we also feel frustrated trying to manage all the cover-up we do. Consequently we develop what psychologists call "compensatory" behaviors. I will give a short list now with more to come. This could last a long time and will require a lot of discussion with my wife as I proceed. I also want to explain that these behaviors are actually quite ingenious, if I do so myself, and I will offer some good rational for each.
• Chewing gum - If there is one habit my wife would want to change in my lifetime is chewing gum. It is not actually my chewing gum, it is how I chew gum. And I admit it can be a bit irritating to a peaceful mind. You see, I don't chew gum, I chomp gum. I make a lot of noise and if I am not stopped, I can put my jaw muscles in spasms.
But chewing gum is actually good for your brain. Wrigley has sponsored some interesting research that showed better test performance, better attention, fewer rest breaks and more peaceful attitudes for chewers. I have studied the brain itself and have come up with a brain model for these results. The chewing helps pump more blood into the frontal and temporal lobes, helping us stay more relaxed and gain some memory.
• Repeating the questions and taking time to answer - I am not sure this is unique to ADD, but I have learned to take my time in answering questions because there can be major traps wrapped around an innocent question. One example is: "Which dress should I wear to ...?" Or "How did you like that new lady visitor ...?" I have come to realize I can give no good answer to either of these or other questions, especially questions that have not been asked yet.
I usually go by the advice given to me by an Indian shaman who said to always give three moons time before answering an important question. I think my father said something similar, like "Be careful you don't step into a pile of bear dung just because the path looks the same."
• Drifting off - We are driving to somewhere and I notice the family is discussing something, but I am off in my own world chasing some idea or two, and suddenly I notice everyone is looking at me, expecting an answer to a question I did not hear. I usually have two choices: Confess that my mind was on the safety of everyone on the car and was concentrating on a possibly drunk driver with a threatening swerve (making me the hero), or I could make up some answer that would cover me, such as "That is a real important question and I need to think about the ramifications (perhaps creating the image of a wizard.)
Actually neither of these practices work well consistently, at least a second time, but I consider my "flexibility" in creative response to be worth an "A" in some parallel universe. However, I see the benefit of keeping me out of trouble and stirring up controversy in the family. And it usually turns out they really didn't want my opinion anyway (this reality can feel like a stinging sensation at times, which justifies my day fantasies).
Inattention and lack of concentration are not unique to individuals with ADD or ADHD. It is one of the most prevalent symptoms in the DSM, related to anxiety, depression, grief, stress and a host of brain disorders. But it is also related to falling in love, getting a traffic ticket, going through a divorce, or just plain boredom. The main difference is that we have been putting our parents and partners through these problems for years, not just recently. But I would bet a lot of people use these same compensations, but maybe not as practiced.
