Real Men Don't Write Blogs

Exploring love, marriage, and other difficulties.

How to Attract Women

Humorous advice from a man long out of the game

Although I have been married for more than 40 years, men who come in contact with me, and especially those who meet my wonderful wife, know that once upon a time I knew the secrets of how to attract highly desirable women. I still know these secrets, but they are of as much use to me now as E-Z Pass is to a man without a driver's license. Still, I feel that is important for me to share with men less fortunate than I am what I did learn in those few, dare I say precious, years between the end of my first marriage and the beginning of my second - both to women much sought after.

To start with, the most important thing for any man trying to attract women is not what you should do and say, but rather what you shouldn't do and say. Paradoxically, in fact, one of the best ways to attract women is not to show any eagerness at all in going after them. As the Bible says in one of its proverbs, "A fool's mouth is his destruction." As soon as you open your mouth, there is a high likelihood that you will say something that will be an immediate turn-off to any woman who might have even noticed you. So, as much as possible, say nothing. Suddenly, instead of being a fool, you will become a "man of mystery." Wherever you are, women will gravitate toward you. You will be the envy of your friends, who have seen woman after woman disappear when they have tried such lines as "Could I have your autograph? I loved you in your latest film."

Unfortunately, sooner or later you will have to say something, and the best approach is to keep it simple. When a woman has noticed you, and is close enough for you to speak to without yelling out, say, "Hi."

That's it.

Not "Hi, beautiful," or "Hi, is this seat taken?" or "Hi, do you come here often?" Just "Hi."

Actually, even though it may feel strange to say it these days, you might have even a better chance if you say, "Hello" rather than "Hi." Remember, in the film Jerry Maguire, after Tom Cruise makes his speech to Renée Zellweger, trying to get her back, she says, "You had me at ‘hello.'" Had Cruise started his speech with "Hi," who knows if she would have given him the time of day.

Most men should probably stop right there, although if you feel you must go on, and start removing the mystery, there are websites that suggest, as one site puts it, "cute pick-up lines." For example, here's a line from that site: "You can't be real. May I pinch you to see if I'm dreaming?"

Yes, go ahead, use that one, and what you might hear is "Yeah, pinch me, and I'll punch you."

Here's another: "What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?"

Give it a try, but don't be surprised if her reply is "First of all, it's ‘woman.' And now that we've got that settled, how does it feel to be the biggest a-hole in this room?"

I'm not saying some women won't go for these lines, but it's better to be original. Before you think about using a line, do a Google search, and if no one else has ever used it, give it a try. I'll give you one right here, but don't blame me if it doesn't work. Remember, I've been out of the game for more than 40 years:

"Did anyone ever tell you that you look like what you look like?"

If the woman is into Zen, you are on your way to love. If not, you can explain that you are, and ask her if she'd like to come back to your apartment to see your cushion.

You'll notice that I haven't said anything about physical appearance or your education and/or earnings. As for physical appearance, if you are between six feet and six-three, and are really good-looking, you are so desirable that you need never say a word to any woman ever; if you are neither, then you will have to do work-outs every day to become a hunk, and you will have to come up with some interesting things to say.

As for your education and/or earnings, if you think that's important to today's young women, where have you been? Certainly not in a college classroom, where women outnumber men by a ratio of close to three to two. And not in the business world, where women are starting their own businesses all over the place. No, the key to a young woman's heart today is to tell her that your biggest desire in life is to do everything you can to help her fulfill her dreams. Your dream is to take care of your children, do the laundry, and, most of all, vacuum.

 

Mark Sherman, Ph.D., is a psychologist and humor writer.

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