I love the Bill of Rights, those first ten amendments to the Constitution. Well, I’m not crazy about all of them. For example, Number 2 (the so-called right to bear arms) has caused a lot of trouble and Number 10 (which gives lots of powers to states) makes me want to move to Massachusetts. But some of those others, like the First Amendment, guaranteeing freedom of speech among other things; and the Fifth, which says you can’t be forced to incriminate yourself seem pretty good to me.
But the Bill of Rights is really meant to protect us from unreasonable power by governments and is mostly about public behaviors. It’s not really about what goes on in our own homes, and most certainly, it is not about marriage.
Case in point is that Fifth Amendment. One of the best-known examples of its use is when people who are arrested are read their “Miranda rights.” Anyone who has watched any cop shows on television practically knows this by heart. It may differ a little from one jurisdiction to another, but basically, it begins like this: “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you.”
The marital version of this would be a little different. It would go like this: “You have no right to remain silent. And anything you say can and will be used against you. And not only what you said today or yesterday, but every little thing I can remember from all the years we’ve been married.”
In other words, there is no Fifth Amendment in marriage.
Fortunately, there is no law about perjury either. Faced with the fact that silence typically won’t work, like when your spouse asks you where you’ve been for the last several hours or days, you lie. And, hey, if you don’t have the right to remain silent, what the heck are you supposed to do? And there is no reason to feel guilty about this. In your wedding vows you pledged to love, honor, and cherish. You did not say you’d never lie. Yes, try to imagine it: “Do you, Roderick and Samantha, promise to love, honor, cherish, and always be entirely truthful with each other as long as you both shall live?”
People are taking longer to get married these days as it is. If the vows were amended to include one of truthfulness, I think that would be it for the institution.
And what about that most wonderful and most talked-about of the amendments, the First, which states, in its entirety, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances”?
As anyone who has been married more than a month knows, your First Amendment rights end by the time you get back from that wonderful two weeks you spent honeymooning on the island of St. Lucia. You know that expression, “The honeymoon is over”? Well, the honeymoon is over, and you will quickly realize that while the government cannot punish you for saying virtually anything you want, your spouse can. And he or she is not bound by the Eighth Amendment either, which prohibits “cruel and unusual punishment.”
As for the “right of the people to peaceably assemble,” just try to peaceably assemble a bunch of your friends when your spouse would just like to sit home and watch “Law and Order” or the ballgame. And it’s hard enough to try to redress your grievances one-on-one with your partner in life; if you get those peaceably assembled friends involved, forget about it!
And what about the Sixth Amendment, which says, “In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury”? I won’t get into the strange use of the word “enjoy” here. It seems to me that getting tried for a crime would not be all that enjoyable, even in front of a jury filled with fun people. But the concept is entirely moot in marriage, where the accused has no rights.
Of course, you and/or your spouse may try to employ some of your friends as an “impartial” jury (“Well, Sarah and Susan both think you’re being ridiculous!”), but I would respectfully advise against that.
Finally, there is the Third Amendment, which, fortunately, is one we don’t hear too much about. For those few of you who have forgotten this one, it states, “No soldier shall in time of peace be quartered in any house without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed in law.”
Here is one I think many married couples would gladly see broken. Having to quarter (and just that term shows you that in certain ways the Constitution is just a bit dated) a friendly soldier or two would be a lot easier than the in-laws we do so often have to quarter. Wouldn’t it be great to say to a difficult in-law that you’d love to have him or her stay for a while, but, unfortunately, the spare bedroom is being used by Colonel Murphy?
