If I believed that the name of the college my daughters will attend is really what would define and predict their success, I would be a tiger dad. But my goal is to raise children who will be successful 35 year-olds. That means I want them to have those traits they will need to thrive in the workplace and in relationships. I need them and others in their generation to be prepared to lead us into the future. This means we need our young people to be hard working, to be compassionate and generous, to be socially and emotionally intelligent, to be receptive and responsive to constructive criticism, to be creative and innovative . . . and to be resilient.

• Hard work and tenacity drives success, because effort is what brings ideas to fruition.
• Compassion and generosity is what it will take to repair the world and serve others.
• Social and emotional intelligence is what fosters empathy and collaboration, and collaboration breeds success.
• The ability to respond to constructive criticism with self-improvement and without defensiveness fosters personal and career growth.
• Creativity and innovation is what it will take to generate the best ideas, especially those that only people who can think outside-of the box will produce.
• Resilience is what it takes to navigate life's bumps and bruises and to thrive through good times and bad.

There are several reasons I will not reflexively get on the treadmill of high pressure and high stakes parenting. The first is that I believe it would affect my children's happiness. But I do not see this as a choice between happiness and success. If it were as simple as sacrificing happiness today for a lifetime of success, I would reluctantly but aggressively suggest that we each pressure our children  to meet the very highest standards of academic success. In sharp contrast, I believe that undue pressure to be good at everything not only creates misery today, but also undermines the very traits needed for success tomorrow.

I know that many colleges look at grades first and that I might be sacrificing my children's chances to get a top university spot. (Thankfully, I also know that despite the hype to the contrary, most colleges look at the individual and seek the right match for their educational milieu.)  I am not going to pretend that doesn't cause me a bit of anxiety. I also realize that the colleges they attend might influence the first job they get. But I also know that most young people in this generation only stay at that first job for a couple of years. What determines whether they will get the second job is how they performed in the first, and that is largely determined by their social and emotional intelligence, collaborative skills, innovative potential, and capacity to respond to constructive feedback. In other words, the same narrow focus on academic success that may increase their GPA now may have negative consequences later.

Don't get me wrong, I want my children to do well academically and I expect nothing short of their best effort. But I accept that all people are uneven, and that hard work can produce different results. Rather than feeling incapable for not achieving uniform excellence, adolescents need to pay attention to the outcomes of their efforts. If something comes too easily and doesn't pique their interest, they shouldn't pursue that area as a career because they will soon become bored. If a subject requires hard work, but their interest only grows as they delve deeper, they may have found their calling. If they struggle in another area, but enjoy the challenge, they should consider it for a hobby. If they put in a genuine effort, but just can't grasp something, they should seek help to absorb the lessons as fully as possible and then accept that we all have strengths and limitations.

We all want our children to be high achievers, but it is critical to understand that there is a difference between a high achiever and a perfectionist, and that too much pressure can push a child towards perfectionism. High achievers run the world, they excel at something but have no fantasy that they must be good at everything. They revel in their accomplishments. They value constructive criticism because they look for opportunities for growth and self-improvement. They see failures as temporary setbacks to be overcome with greater effort. In sharp contrast, perfectionists consider themselves unacceptable unless they meet impossibly high self-imposed standards. They worry about being discovered as imposters, and therefore view constructive criticism as an attack. They fear the B+ and won't think outside-of-the-box in anticipation that their ideas won't be recognized as valid.

In brief, perfectionism stifles success because it is the death of creativity and innovation ("I'm not going to try something that might not get an A") and interferes with the ability to incorporate constructive feedback. Kids who are made to only feel acceptable if they meet certain standards, may be pushed towards perfectionism and therefore away from success.

Not all perfectionists fit the stereotype of the straight A student. Some young people who are pushed too hard may feign laziness or indifference, because it is so much easier to pretend they don't care than to confess how deeply they do.  It is so much easier to get off of "the playing field" entirely than to share how incapable they feel of meeting impossibly high standards.

I wish this were the point at which I could guide you precisely how to promote success in your own child. Ideally, we would all know when encouragement crosses the line to pressure and when those high expectations we should all hold transform into impossibly steep standards. The truth is that you have to know your child and watch her closely. Is she stretched thin, but thriving? Does she look forward to every new challenge? Or, is she sacrificing sleep and worrying incessantly about her future. If you're not sure, ask her.

Parents have the opportunity this school year to challenge the traditional notion of success and prepare their children to be authentically successful. I'll be struggling to strike this perfect balance just like you will. Here's what I'll be doing both to apply what is known from research and to follow my instincts on what is best for my own children:

• Expect all children to put in their very greatest effort
• Praise effort rather than grades, scores, or results. Lots of research proves that children praised for their intelligence or grades may grow to fear failure whereas those praised for effort seek opportunities to continue trying.
• Accept that all people are uneven. Rather than making children feel like failures when they do not excel, guide them to learn about themselves as they discover what comes easily and what is a struggle, what interests them and what bores them. Remind them that successful people excel at something, not everything, and that interesting people continue to explore what fascinates them, especially when it poses a challenge.
• Encourage the creative arts that foster creativity, and never suggest that "nonacademic" subjects hold less value.
• Encourage athletics because physical activity will serve as a lifelong stress reduction strategy and some of the best collaborative skills are learned on the field.
• Help children to think outside of the box even if their initial thoughts are not fully grasped by others.
• Encourage social interactions because they are not a waste of time. Part of the work of childhood and adolescence is to learn how to interact with others.
• Above all, give the unconditional love that is the protective force children and adolescents need to be resilient.

The bottom line is happy children who are driven by curiosity and a love of learning are precisely those who will be successful tomorrow.